Jun 11

 I'm having trouble.

I can't seem to rest, I can't seem to have enough energy to do anything either, and the days are passing in a bit of a blur. I guess. Intellectually speaking. I am perhaps unwinding all the stored up kinks that have accrued over the last few months. And. It's very early days for me to stop and take a breath.

Perhaps that's it.

Whatever it is. It's not easy. To be sure I've had far worse situations. This is not putting me in danger of imminent demise. I am not about to jump off a bridge. But at the same time. It's not pleasant. I am unable to settle. Unable to enjoy. Unable to get enough energy. I think I just need to unhook the brain. And go with it. My thoughts are still pretty hyper. I crunched my way through a conversation with myself today explaining to an imaginary person the concept of abstract thought, intelligence and language. And how, language is just an abstraction of reality, a quick way to describe complicated things, and ultimately, it's all just a form of compression. Like a jpg. Or a zip file. You say religion. If you unpack it. It contains endless further compressed terms. Spiritual. Christianity. Buddhism. And how all of that abstraction. Is the trick that allows our very small processing size to tackle problems that are bigger than we can handle, and why, we cannot understand how AI works because it's a problem that exceeds our limited processing space, and cannot be tackled by piecemeal abstraction. In fact we are trapped to only ever understand whatever our processing size can handle. Which is minimal. It varies from person to person, but no matter who you are, it's of roughly the same order of magnitude. Or to think of it another way. Ants on the anthill unable to grasp the size of a country. Let alone a planet. Or a solar system. Galaxy. Universe. Etc. Just like everything else. We are trapped at our own level of existence and perception. Ultimately it almost certainly means we will never be able to grasp reality as it truly is, or a fraction of what goes on around us. It's possible we might be able to create AIs that can exceed those limitations. Because their processing frame size is much larger than our own. It too has an upper limit based on the limitations of physics. And in turn they may get stuck at their own level. But eh.

Uh huh. See. Burny. That was half of it.

I switched off at some point. Not good. Stop. Just. Look at the wall. And go blank. Rest the old bacon lump.

Today has been hot. According to my computer it's a record. For June. Mm k.

Meanwhile Canada burns. NYC is plunged into an apocalypse glow straight from Bladerunner. The Netherlands burns. And we are not even into summer proper yet.

Global warming and El Nino are upon us.

Atlantic temperatures are the highest they have ever been. By quite a margin. And again. We're not even in peak Northern hemisphere summer yet. It's going to get worse.

The really bad news is, that next year is also a solar maximum. The sun is going to be at it's strongest.

Global warming. El Nino. Sun at it's maximum.

This year is going to be bad I think. Next year is going to be even worse.

I wonder if we are currently in a small calm before the storm truly hits. Just like the pandemic. I wonder if come next year, things will never be the same again. The world is going to change.

Maybe.

Maybe not quite yet. But it's coming, inevitably.

Doom and gloom ! Not much to be done about it. Grab a cooling towel. A seat. And watch the apocalypse. It's all nonsense anyway. Everything ends. Not if. But when.

In other news. Finally got round to sending a short text to a friend just to say, I am not dead. He revealed he had read some of my messages sent to his spouse. When she was discussing his horrible behaviour. And now he feels awkward. And unfairly treated. It sounds like he wants to tell his side of it. Which I am sure has pertinent facts about. But doesn't change the fact he has in the past behaved horribly. It also doesn't change the fact that at some level, I don't care. Not as in. Facepalm. I don't care. But as in. I get it. Everyone is flawed. Everyone has imperfections. Everyone is capable of being a monster. I am not your regular kind of person that goes on a monster hunt. I am aware of what people are like. I understand. I don't condone. Neither do I judge beyond, well, being a shit to others is bad. I get why people behave why they do. I understand it's part of the human condition. And I by and large, don't think less of people for it.

I know that's pretty fucking weird. Because everyone likes to jump on the pile.

So anyway. We're amicable. He wants to meet up in person. It will be... good to see him. Despite me being burned out on people. I have no idea what to say to him. Oh I know exactly what I can say to him. I am not clueless about content. What I mean is. I have no idea if I will say one thing or another. Which path I will choose. Honestly. I can't really be arsed with going into it. It is. At this point. Just People. And I am kinda done with that shit. You're human. I get it. Move on. On the other hand. I could dive into the whys and wherefores. The things I see in him. The flaws. The things he could do. But to what end. I don't know. I guess I will see on the day. My mood. His mood. I cannot tell him the whole truth. The probabilities. The likely outcomes. The flaws that will destroy everything around him. The whole unvarnished truth would be, perhaps, arguably, horribly cruel. And again. To what end. So I don't think I can go there. I must shut my mouth about somethings. Reality blows. Too much knowledge blows. It is better to believe in magic that know none exists.

I reflected today that there really are somethings you can't tell someone. Because people.

Your relationship is doomed.

It will fail.

You are the root of the shit that happens to you. Your past trauma dogs your steps and sets you up for your next failure in a pattern you repeat, over and over. You do not have the capability to escape it. You run from it. And commit the same fault. And hurt those around you when you do.

Too brutal.

It's too much.

You might argue, oh, some of that is speculation ! You can't know ! It might be different !

Except it has history. Where it has already happened. And keeps happening.

And just like dropping a ball from a tower. In that moment. You might say. Well. It may never land ! An alien could swoop by and pluck it from the sky.

Or. It could. Just fall. And impact. And leave a crater. Like the hundred times before it.

Ho hum.

Part of me being very good at what I do with computers is that I can analyse patterns, find the problems, and then present to you the exact path of how it got to that point. And then. Tell you what's going to happen next. And give you the probabilities and risk assessments and options you have.

It applies. Horribly. Awfully. Not only to computers. But everything. Including people. You just need to be able to crunch the data. Understand the systems. People. How they tick. The idiosyncracies of each person.

Anyway.

Whatever.

There's always random chance. The uncalculable bit. All things are possible. And what do I know.

Except. You do know. The probabilities. And the shit that happens over and over. 99 times out of 100. Patterns. And people at some level are incredibly predictable. Relationships. And problems. And dead ends. And successes. They are telegraphed. A mile off.

It goes for me too. I can see my own paths.

Anywho. Pfft.

Take off the glasses. Let the world smudge and blur. Stop counting. Admire the clouds. Unhook the brain. Let the data slide by unrecorded. And enjoy the cake.