Jun 12

 Sketchy mental stability.

Talking to myself a bit too much. A bit too manic. And my perceptions are shifting around a bit in a not cool losing touch with reality kind of way. I had the strongest sense today that everything was alien. Every person was a collection of dysfunctions. Our habits and tropes were just some crazy ingrained alien animal behaviour. It was like glimpsing the objective in a subjective world. Realising how alien everything is. And. The worst bit. I was trapped on this alien planet, with this alien lifeform and their weirdnesses and it was difficult to assimiliate into it. Uncomfortable. Sanity scratching. Very hardcore stranger in a strange land.

I lapsed between exhausted and listless and vaguely ill. I just wanted to sleep.

I briefly considered trying to do something computer wise to keep myself occupied. But thought better of it. I think I am burned out hardcore. Trying to do something would be a mistake I think. I just need to let this settle at its own pace. It's not pretty. But I just need to try and be calm whilst I come down. Assuming I come down.

By the afternoon I was really sketchy.

I decided to try a reset. Change of behaviour. Break the cycle. Get back to something that had worked.

So I checked my gym membership.

And went for a swim.

I think the last time I was in a pool was what ? September last year ? Getting close to doing a mile in an hour if I remember rightly.

I'm fatter that I was. It gave me an old school pause. Am I too fat to swim ? What will everyone think ?? Old school ghosts. My dude. It doesn't fucking matter. It's about you. And your mentals. And health. And everything else is like some idiotic distraction. And besides. People wont care.

So I got to the pool. I didn't expect much of anything beyond having a float around. I figured I would be way out of shape again. And just getting up and down a length or two would be a win. Forget distance targets. Double forget getting close to a mile in an hour.

So I paddled around. And did some lengths. And sure enough the first length was hard. Way out of shape. Slowly I got back into the swing of it. But I didn't push it. I could feel much of the shape I had got into was gone again. But, upside, I was better than I was when I started swimming last year. I eventually ended up around 400m in about 45 minutes. Which is pretty lame. But more than I thought. And a whole lot more than I managed starting up last year. So out of shape. But not completely zero.

I felt heavy getting out of the pool. Lead. Like gravity had increased.

But I felt better. A reset. My head had quieted. The manic burn of thoughts had stopped. I had stopped slipping into an alien alternate reality.

It wasn't an all amazing wonder panacea. But it definitely helped.

And I was glad I had made the effort to go. And it has reinforced my plan to go back regularly to swimming. It's easier at the moment because the weather has turned hot. And jumping into a cool pool is just by itself one of the nicest things to do. Instant relief.

I picked up some very late lunch on the way back. Sushi. Water. And a fistful of pain meds because I had kinda run out. But that too, a normalised event. Go and get lunch. A small, tiny reinforcement of normality. It helps.

At home, despite not swimming that far, I had a vague post excercise glow. A tiredness. But a good tiredness. Not the shitty exhaustion I usually get. A post pushing yourself a little tiredness. Perhaps the only difference is the endorphins. Well. That and perhaps the increased cardio blood flow.

This week, in theory I have a bunch of things to do. Pick Hazel up on Thursday so she can stay overnight to get a headstart on viewing her new flat on Friday first thing. Wiping my old server down. Setting a new server up. Putting up some shelves. Sorting out a new router. Most of these tasks have been sitting there for a year. Incomplete. Left. I need to do all these things to get my ducks in a row to then spend a week in Oxford doing work.

It feels like a lot. But eh. We shall see.

I'm also torn about this. At this moment in time. Perhaps unreasonably of me. I think I need to create a hell of amount of space between me and Hazel. The thoughts of being unfairly treated still rattle around my head. And the question to me comes up, why am I bothering. Why am I putting up with it.

And so I feel inclined just to leave it. Like everything else in my life. Walk away from yet another social tie. Until I am fully isolated ?

I feel uneasy doing favours for her, and likewise, her doing favours for me. It feels like a normalisation of an unresolved situation where I have been wronged. If that makes sense. Carrying on, as if nothing bad had ever happened. Except it has. It did.

I dunno. This is a change in mood from me from just accepting shit, moving on, and forgiving. To a. No. That was shit. And it gets outright denied and even used against me in the present. And nothing about that is fair. And fuck that shit. It feels like just a soft lean into accepting the abuse and there being no blame, and even, it being just my fault. Victim blaming bullshit. Stop defending yourself. Just let me hit you.

Ho hum. Perhaps I will regain my zen and just rise above it. I. Am not sure I will. I think low key Hazel moving out of the city is going to be an opportunity to get distance. Which is probably unfair of me. Not to warn her. Or let her know how I feel. On the other hand. I can't be doing with the arguing. And her just blaming her faults entirely on me. And her rewriting of narrative. I just can't. No energy for it. Just. Leave me alone.

Hum ho.

Also I would guess this week will also be something of a clash with Andy. As he will want me to do this, that, or the other. He will not be able to let me go. His anxiety will not let him. We will be in the usual situation. Where he will say something like, of course, have time off. And then. The other bit of him. Will absolutely not allow him to carry through on that agreement. The cognitive dissonance between the two will not affect him. He will be able to simultaneously agree one thing and deny the same thing within a single minute and assume from all directions its ok. This is a pattern he has repeated over and over for many years. Sometimes hilariously. Dark. But hilarious. Have a week off. So the 4 days off you have. 3. 2. 1. Quick question on your day off... so.. thats zero time off then. It's his anxiety ramped up to 11. A comfort blanket. He cannot help to reach out and grab. Damaged psyche. Trauma riddled childhood. Insecure adult.

I think I will just ignore him to be honest. Just. Not communicate at all. If he's that desperate. He will have to phone me. And if he does. I will reset the time off timer. And we'll start again.