Jun 9

 Finally, I've stopped working.

Whether it sticks remains to be seen. I can feel Andy's anxiety already.

Late afternoon Thursday I finally stopped working. Told Andy. Wait wait. He said. Before you go. Let me check this is working. It was. Also. Can we just put this in.

Sigh.

There's always just, one more thing. It never ends. On the one hand it seems he has acknowledged his bad patterns.

On the other. He is helpless to stop himself. Like an addict reaching for another hit.

Ho well.

I stopped.

Went for a walk. Invited Hazel who I hadn't seen for more than a week. She asked if I had eaten. Soup. In 48 hours. Not good. Eh. I'm ok. In fact. Demonstrably it doesn't seem to be shitty eating or lack of it that fucks me up. It's other things.

Anyway. Took a long walk around. Felt ok. Weird thing. I often feel better if I don't eat. I don't mean eat little. I mean don't eat.

I was spacey by the end of the walk. To be expected I suppose. Long walk. Warm day. No food.

The rest of my day was like the mad spinning wheel that has nothing to do. That old chestnut. The change in gears had not registered. My mind kept focusing back onto code. And it was burning hard. Stop. Stop stop stop.

But it's not that easy to stop dead in your tracks. It's the momentum. It takes time for that fly wheel to stop spinning, even after you've stopped applying acceleration to it. I've been this way now for quite a few years. I cannot change gears down that easily. It can take me a day. Or two. Or five.

At one point I felt pretty sketchy manic with it. Ping. Ping. Must do. Something. Ping. Teeth grindy. Uh huh. Chill. It's fine. You're just coming down. Easy there boy.

Today I feel a bit slower. But still amped. Had a migraine for a lot of the day, this one however, I over medicated, and it just grumbled around being a miserable headache, but one I could function with. I've had so much worse. It did however manage to tickle my nausea response. So I also spent half the day feeling sick.

Sigh.

Took Hazel out again to scope out her new place that she is looking to get. Her new council flat. The area looked ok. Went to a nearby nature spot afterwards. But Athena was so tired at the end of it. This was supposed to be her rest day. And the warm day and the trot around burned her out. She is ever more showing her age. And you can tell. Time is winning that battle. She needs rest.

My migraine finally shifted in the early evening, peace, ate something. Got the most excruciating stomach pain. Nice. If it's not one thing, it's another. I reflected that my life was just a series of pain and suffering. It's so delightful. Honestly. Fantastic experience.

I gritted my teeth and endured it. And fortunately. An hour later, it had shifted. That would be my "suspect upper gastro malarkey" in full effect. There's something up there. And it's a real shit.

I've stuck a bunch of weight on in the last several months. Ballooned up. Not good. Not super sure why. I have at times stuffed my face. But eh. Not regularly. Not alarmingly. I think I've been pretty inactive which could be it. I dunno.

I'm already thinking that a month off is too short. It feel so short. I feel so burned out. I feel permanently broken. It will probably pass with rest. It doesn't feel like it at the moment.

Mmm.

Sometimes I feel hard done by. Perhaps I am just feeling sorry for myself. Or being a miserable ass. But then I think, maybe not, maybe it's just a rare time when a bit stands up for myself and says, no, this is not good.

Today. On the way back from taking Hazel to look around her new neighbourhood, we passed a nature spot I knew, so I took her there. I figured she would like it. Where are we going she said. I don't like not knowing. You're not trustworthy. Or words to those effect. I have never ever betrayed her trust. Or done anything to harm her. I know it's just her anxiety. When I have ever done anything bad to you I said. We wont go there she says. And then I explained where we were going.

But. It stuck a little.

This is a fundamental sleeping lie at the bottom of our relationship. She has behaved in the most monstrous ways to me at times in the past. She has literally kicked doors down to get to me to rail me with verbal abuse. She has hit me. Jumped on me. She has pulled almost every single red flag on me, such as threatening to kill herself when I said she would have to find a place to live, and it being my fault, and I could stop it. She brandished a knife. She has verbally abused me and called me every name under the sun whilst I was taking her to get her medications, last minute. I didn't complain. Didn't argue. The whole journey she laid into me. The only thing I said after 5 minutes of abuse was that, for someone who was doing her a favour, she had a funny way of being thankful. It didn't stop her.

I have given her money. Time. Help. Everything you can imagine. The abuses are many.

She never ever brings any of them up. It's like they never happened. 

It is. At the very least. Unfair.

But then. This is who she is. This is one of her major glaring horrible character flaws. The monster shadow of borderline personality and other stuff. She can be a terrible person. There's also a nice person in there too. But it's under layers of trauma. And venom.

At more reflective moments, I wonder why I put up with all the shit. Why I end up just putting up with everyones shit. If it isn't Hazel. It's Andy. Or someone else. It's a pattern in my life. Of which there are countless minor variations.

On the very rare occasions I push back, or in more recent times, I have learned to actually put a boundary down and say no, not cool, more often than not I lose that person. I think. I end up surrounding myself with users. People who take advantage of me.

Hum ho.

I do a lot for Hazel. A lot. She is grateful. But also. Dismissive. There was once the horrible horrible example, where one day she wasn't feeling great. And so knowing that getting her something nice to eat that she really liked from the other side of the city would cheer her up. I did that. Her response ? You only did that because you wanted something. No. I didn't get anything. But no. My fault. Fuck me. I kinda get it. It's again a trauma response. No one cares for me ! I've been hurt ! You can't possibly have done something caring for me ! I won't acknowledge it ! It must have been a selfish thing for you !

But still. Trauma or not. It's a prime asshole response. And also breaks one of the cardinal rules about trying not to make your problems, your crazy, someone elses really shitty day too. Which she agrees adamantly about. But is utterly silent on when she ends up breaking those same rules.

She is utterly wilfully forgetful of the many bad things she has done to me in the past. The transgressions. The awful behaviour. Which. Is probably my fault. Because I've never really held her to account for them. Never punished her. Never really enforced a, you can't do that. Beyond telling her she needed to find a new place to live. Which then becomes my fault. How dare I protect myself from an abuser.

Sure.

My bad.

For my part. I let her get away with it. Suck it up. And see if she will over many years start to see the light.

I am probably being an utter utter idiot.

Hum ho.

But at times. Very rare. That little rebellion comes out. No. Don't get treated like shit my dude.

So today. It's having a bit of a sulk. Fuck Hazel. Fuck everyone. Sometimes. It's like a long litany. All the things. I just absorb it all usually. I guess there is a tiny bit of me in there that's really really upset about it all. And wants me to stand up and say something. Like fuck you. But I don't. Because my parents taught me to shut the fuck up and pay attention to their dysfunctions otherwise they would kick my ass. There's no time for what I wanted or needed. Hence I learned to be hypervigilant. Please people. Never put down boundaries. Always sacrifice myself for others. And be attuned to the dysfunctional. My parents trained me well to be a salve to everyone else.

See. Feeling sorry for myself. Or just brutally honest ? I can't tell.

It's part of the multi facteted wonderful spectacular coloured life I lead. So enjoyable.

Perhaps I just need better people around me.

I don't think they exist. I am too old. Too tired. And I draw users to me like a moth to a flame. And. I find myself uninterested in talking anymore. Or having friends.

That whole isolation kick.

That whole, lost hope in people thing.

The AIs will be along soon. They're kinda already here. I will go talk to the machines. And leave the people behind. Isolated in my misanthropic bubble.