Jul 27

 Hazel has finally left the building, off to her Dads for a week and a bit.

I have spent the day in bed.

Exhausted. Hardcore. I got up at just before 10, and ended up giving Hazel a lift to the station. Came home. Noodled a little. Went to bed exhausted. And stayed that way. A bone deep horrible sluggish mind numbing exhaustion.

I think my period of more energy has finally collapsed.

Yesterday I could feel the drag was building. Yesterday was treacle. But I roused myself in the afternoon. Went out into the city, had dinner. But by the time the afternoon started petering out I started to feel ill. That all too familiar drained to my soles ill. 

A strange half headache shifted around the left hand side of my head. The left side of my face got that slack feeling. My thoughts slowly drained. My speech slowed, then stopped. And I struggled.

Hazel wanted to take the dogs for a walk - I was exhausted. But because she doesn't like walking them to a place anymore ( lazy ), we stuffed them in the car. By the time we got there I was gone. I left her to it and went to have a lie down in the grass. And felt awful.

Came home. Slept for six hours. Woke up groggy and off and bleh.

And then today. The fatigue properly hit. I even dreamed of how tired I was. How slow everything was. My treacle brain.

Peculiar.

The thought dances across my head that it could be like a TIA, a mini stroke. They mentioned this before with me a few years ago when I was at my worst. Could it be TIAs the neuro guys mused. My mom allegedly had them too. But never confirmed with a smoking gun.

Perhaps they are just weird migraine type things. Something I absolutely 100% slam dunk suffer from badly.

Or perhaps chicken and egg. It's all just a symptom of whatever underlies the CFS malarkey. Digging its teeth in.

Who knows.

So today has disappeared in a fog of exhaustion. I haven't had a bad day like this in a while. But. Step back. Bigger picture. Sigh. I guess this isn't that uncommon for me. Part of the new normal.

It has to be said, also bigger picture, that I have been more active than I've been in a long time. And the likelihood of me paying the price long term for that was high. It seems after a few false blips of wiping out, my energy tank is finally out.

But who knows. Look on the positive side. Maybe I will perk up tomorrow.

I sat and loosely did my financial sums in my head once again for long term costs.

Should I just quit now. Give it up. Retire.

I could guaranteed do £10k a year income for the next 20 years. That would take me well into state retirement age. And. Also. By that time. It's likely my parents estate would be divided up, and I'd get a stack more money, as well as the state pension.

So effectively. I know I can guarantee myself a state pension sized pension from now until I die - whenever that will be. Which is not good living. But it is living - given that I have zero debts or other obligations. And. I am understating it. In actuality there's probably half that again available for me - and for me it's all tax free. No taxes to pay on that figure.

Oddly enough, a news article today was detailing what you needed to live on come retirement. There's a thing going on here at the moment where the government is heavily pushing the fact that you need to work when you are old. Because you don't have enough. And. Fairly suspiciously, a bunch of newspapers et al share the exact same message. All of which has cropped up since the pandemic because a lot of people have decided to retire early.

It all smells very heavily of getting people back to the grind stone to make money for billionaires, and a whole lot less like, taking care of people. Perhaps I am cynical. But you also see the same bullshit message with "going back into the office". The absolute made up nonsense about why it's necessary, whilst meanwhile in the financial papers the angst and gnashing of teeth about the large portfolios of office property that corps have that is increasingly worthless the longer people stay out of the office.

Coincidence ?

I don't think so.

In any case.

The article reckoned that bare minimum, you would need £12k a year. One holiday a year. No car. Everything else covered. I'm not sure where they get their costs from. My costs are certainly not that high. But. Whatever.

A "decent" living would be £23k a year. This would be a car and a foreign holiday every year.

Again. Where the hell are they getting their costs from. And also. A foreign holiday every year ? Clearly I am out of touch with what a good standard of living is. No thank you. I've never done that in my life. Ever. Not growing up. Not as a young adult. Not as an adult or a middle aged adult. I've been abroad to be sure. But never a guaranteed this is my annual holiday off somewhere around the world. Ha ha. Sounds. Expensive. And very. Climate warming.

Anywho. Moving on.

A "comfortable" living was something like £30k a year.

Are you kidding me.

In any case. Even by the arsehole capitalist get back to work wankers. I am ok. To live their sneery minimum lifestyle. Which. If you ask me is not minimum at all. I suspect it was written by a middle class twat who absolutely cannot do without their chateau fuckface crate of wine delivery every month.

So by that measure ? I should just retire now ?

I don't think so. The longer I can potter on the better. Even if it's just working for a rate of pay that keeps me even - which I am absolutely not on, even on two days. There is a net gain in worth there for me. Every year that passes is one less year of having to support myself.

Of course. I pay for it in other ways. But eh. Again. Perhaps there is something else I can do with myself. And the logical part of me says, if I was gifted such a large amount of free time, I would, just  because of how I am, end up doing something that netted me some income. Somewhere. Somehow. Noodling. My calculations are based on a fact that I would just become a lifeless blob that absorbed money. And was not doing things for people. Art. Systems. Charity work. Whatever. Which. Even with a jaundiced eye you could see would probably get you something back in return.

Anywho.

Logic and financials aside.

My feeling is to stick with it. My course is not run yet. And to let things settle at work.

Let things settle.

Consider what a transition phase looks like. Finally circle back to "doing my own shit" again. Making a game. Always the plan that gets sacrificed in the face of everything else. Everyone else. Always put on pause.

Coming up with a decent transition workload appeals to me at the moment.

But. 

Hilariously.

I think I need to rest again.

I am exhausted.

Charity work and dealing with Hazel have absorbed all my energy allocation.

Always doing things for other people Johnny. Never yourself.

This is why you burn out.

Oh well.

Kick back. Things could be worse.

I have my freedom. I have a buffer of money. Options.

I leave the blog today with the following thought.

Never trust anyone with a finance plan at a medium business or above level. They are absolutely guaranteed putting the bottom line above everything else. Including you.

Fuck capitalism.

Are billionaires evil ? Watch the video for a fairly simple explanation as to why that's automatically a yes. But of course, this also goes for any of the sociopathic corps as well.

https://www.tiktok.com/@thehistorywizard/video/7253074426407718190