Aug 14

 CFS has been majorly kicking my ass lately. Wiping days out and pulling me down into exhausation - alarmingly at all points during the day and evening.

This week I pootled around with work until a scheduled release of a system during the middle of the week, and then, suddenly, things popping up our lead dev couldn't deal with, and just like that, I am working through til midnight again.

Eh. It was ok. And work is evolving into me being way more hands off. But it's apparent there are still plenty of gaps there. I'm sure they will get covered.

The exhaustion and brain draining is alarming. Thursday, Friday, Saturday were all wipe out days for me. Thursday I roused myself to go out in the evening for dinner with Hazel, her dad and nephew. But either side of this I collapsed. Sunday was a little better. A little. Until I had to go shopping. And within 5 minutes of doing that I crashed hard. Came home. Fell into a non restful sleep for 3 hours. Got up. Felt exhausted. Struggled to make myself some rice for dinner.

Bad.

My tinnitus has flared recently to go with it. And the left side of my face has joined in, crawling, ants under the skin, feeling slack at times. Yikes.

Once again I find myself struggling to come to terms with my limitations. The less shitty moments can lull me into a false sense of being better, or more copeable with, a little more normality. And then the hammer lands and I become useless, and days fly past with me not being able to do anything. Get up. Pee. If I am lucky feed myself. If I am very lucky take Athena out. Not much of a life. And the mind fuck of being ever surprised that oh. I can't do shit. Oh. This is really bad. Oh. At times I feel on the edge of just never waking up again.

Each time I have to come to terms with it. And slowly get some kind of detente with it. Before it all resets. And I do it all over again.

It's like constantly reliving a goddamn trauma.

So I have achieved fuck all this week. Zero. Nada. Slumped into sleep and exhaustion. And no better for it. Just time skating by. In a very real way I am losing enormous chunks of my life to fatigue. Lost in dreams.

I reflected today, that I suppose there are worse ways to go. And if I could choose a bunch of lesser evils. This wouldn't be terrible. Fade away into longer and longer sleep.

I just have to stop my sights coming up and thinking I can do things. When I can't. I can accept things when my focus is on just getting to another day. At that point. It's ok. I made it through a day. Maybe I even watched a bit of youtube. But if I slip into thinking normally. I can do this. DIY that. Make this. Go here. And I can't do that. I flake out. Fatigued awayfor days on end. And so I become frustrated. Upset. Sad. Worried.

It's difficult.

Oh well.

One more day off then back to work.

Work, despite being only 2 days a week, feels like too much. In bad phases like this, it's too much. It takes me multiple days to even begin to see daylight. And by the time that happens. I am working again.

Ah well.

Earn your money. Pay your bills. Be thankful for what you have.

Today I was thankful that past Johnny had worked and saved enough to let present Johnny be in a place where I could be flaking out, and not in immediate danger of being broke or without a place to live. Thank you past Johnny for your sacrifices.

Nevertheless. Part of me is sad that is has come to this. I can do so much. I know so much. But I have lost the energy to do it. I know how to do it. But my physical side fails me. How ironic. I suppose that is in general aging all over in a perfect world. When youre young you have the energy but none of the knowledge. When you're old the knowledge but none of the energy. I find it frustrating that I have been robbed of my capability before my time.

Anywho.

Who knows.

Rest. Give it time. Better days perhaps.

Sleep in the meantime. Do the best you can.

This week was also a major Athena scare. I thought I was going to lose her. She was very ill end of week. Listless. No interest. No appetite. She didn't respond. All off.

I thought that was it. Nothing wrong with her per se. Not panting. Not in obvious pain. Nothing. Just. Super duper off. Faded. Unresponsive. And her hearing has declined significantly in the last few months. She has better and worse days. But mostly, she's now deaf.

It is two years just about to the day since I lost Ares.

The thought loomed in my head.

Fucking August. A warm day. Stressing my poor old lady.

But after a day of worrying about it she perked up. Back to her usual self. Interested in stuff. Tail up. Wagging. The shadow passed.

But it's a worry. At her age. You know the hammer is going to drop. Probably suddenly. Probably for good. Not if. But when.

Just don't think about that. Enjoy the now.

Impossible to do when she's fading before your eyes however.

And when she goes. 

I know that everything will change. Not just the loss of her. Everything. Will change. And I don't know if I make it out of that change. I am not sure I want to. I do not know what the future holds at that point.

That slow rolling tsunami coming towards me.

It's ok.

Just wait.

And let the water hit.