Aug 18

 The last couple of days the deathgrip of the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome has slightly lessened, meaning I am not spending almost all the hours of the day lost to oblivion.

Which is nicer.

But it's on a knife edge. I can stand up. Do something for literally 2 minutes. And it dips. Wham.

Part of me still thinks it's a cardio issue. Not calcified arteries - which they checked for. But some other problem. Inflammation. Glooping up. Something. Who knows. Just. Leave it. Stop trying to chase your tail and find a solution you can't get to without the help of tests and specialists and a methodical approach to your healthcare. Which we know is never going to happen.

I will say the headaches have been near continual over the last several weeks. Frontal lobe grumbling around, one side or the other. And the left side of my face has been on a real tear as well over the last few weeks. A lot of tingling and ant crawling.

Something it would seem is not happy.

A little background reading of this reveals that long covid can attack the nerves over a prolonged period of time ( 15 months or more ). Basically. Auto immune fuckery. Constantly chewing on parts of your physiology.

Which I think in the end is basically the root of all post viral syndrome malarkeys that last from months to years.

Your immune system gets fucked. And turns on you. In fact, this is exactly what something like MS is. It also attacks your nerves and brain. Eating away at them and deleting a person bit by bit. Eyesight. Mobility. Speech. Toilet control. And finally, thought itself. You. 

I wonder in future, if they ever get to the bottom of this - and it looks like they are getting closer and closer - whether they will have some method of resetting or tweaking your immune system. Certainly in the case of MS they've never been able to do that ( other than the dangerous nuclear option of wiping out all your bone marrow and giving you a bone marrow transplant ). There surely must be better ways of tinkering with the immune system. Tricky.

The fatigue has been monstrous to deal with of late. Even just sitting doing work at times is a monumental effort. An enormous weight of tiredness sitting on me. Getting through a day like that has been excruciatingly difficult. Don't go to sleep. Don't go to sleep. And then. On a rare occasion. Like suddenly opening a window. It passes. And you get your energy back. And function kinda like a normal person. The shift is dramatic and weird. And just underlines how fucky a thing is going on.

I have to say that in the last few weeks I have been forced to realise that I have got worse. This is a decline. But wait. The CFS guys said it would relapse. And not to freak out. Ok. Relapse then. Perhaps. 

Don't freak out.

It gets to be a lot.

Even at the best of times, pre physical health bullshit. I could struggle with mental health. Sometimes almost terminally. With the health on top. It's hard. I had a weepy moment a while ago. Nothing too dramatic. But I teared up. Just. Hard. Tired of fighting. Tired of suffering. Tired of always being on the defensive. Tired of coping.

Ho hum.

Hazels dad and nephew went home at the end of last week. She related a small conversation they had had about me. Which she was frustrated with. Her dad said to her that I did a lot for her. That she was lucky. And not many guys would do that for her. And the bit that annoyed her. Without. You know. Being in a relationship with them. He likes spending time with me. Hanging out. It was her defensive reaction. Sure. But. Also. I am not helping you out and doing a lot of shit because I enjoy it. It is, in many cases, very unenjoyable. That's not it. 

Ironically here - where she is sticking up for her self worth - she used to have a terrible opinion of herself. No one would just value someone for being them. There always had to be an angle. In Hazels fucked up case, she believed the only thing she offered - and people might want - is sex. I got her out of that thinking rut some years ago. We had a few deep and sometimes emotional conversations about it. She would get very distraught about why someone would bother with someone else. No value. Worthless. Must want something. So I explained to her my thinking. How everyone was unique. Even the most unexciting person. Unique. It's ok just to chill without there being an ulterior motive around people.

I find that transactional nature slightly fucky. I get it. And to some extent it forms the push and pull nature of the world. And for some people, it is all there is. Nothing but transactional. We can be so mercenary when it comes to valuing others or ourselves. What do you bring. What can you do. And yet. At the same time. We can appreciate a tree. Which. By and large brings no value to us. Or a grassy field. Or a pretty set of clouds. Or the stars in the sky. Or a lazy cat or dog. Dogs are an easy sell. They don't go to work. They don't do house chores. They don't pay bills. If it was a human. Most people would riot and say how terrible of a person they were. But. It's not like that. Most people just appreciate a dog for itself.

It is peculiar we are very indoctrinated not to do that for ourselves or others. Yet by default most other things we can appreciate for just being them. Everyone* loves seeing a dolphin swimming for instance.

Personally I find you can quickly dial in how sociopathic someone is by their level of transactional thinking. It's obviously not an actual test of sociopathy - although it absolutely will show up those people - but I find it very useful to see how selfish someone is. And underlying that how possibly traumatised they are. If they hold no value in themselves but are transactional, thats hardcore trauma instilled into them. You. Are not worthy.

Which I guess in a Nietzschean world is true. Pull your weight, plant the crops, contribute to society, else you are a dead weight. The hard limits of evolution. Obtain enough calories or die.

But. We moved past that hand to mouth living on the edge requirement a long time ago. Specialised. Society. Civilisation. And arguably. In the modern age. We are on the cusp of a non labour utopia for many things. Where once there was a field of people every summer harvesting the crop. Now there is a combine harvester. Driving itself by GPS. Up and down the field. Zero people. That's a good thing. Very good. Don't listen to the idiotic capitalists that require slave labour to work out worth and wealth accumulation. Anything that makes life easier. More survivable. Efficient. Is good. Utopian end point of people wandering around doing as they please, whilst all the machines do the repetitive chores, the necessities, the dangerous bits, the horrible things.

Anywho. Long waffly digression.

I think Hazel still finds it hard to come to terms with just how helpful I am to here. She takes a lot of it for granted. Complacent. It's human nature. But in her. Also something of a trauma reaction. She is conditioned to see the world as a shitty place where no one does good deeds. Examples of that in her life threaten to make her have to reassess her world view. Her comfortable place she mentally sits in. And throws trash at passers by.

But she is improving. Slowly.

I am aware of all the complex things going on in her head about this. I don't push it. At all.

As ever. The only thing I said.

Was that she would have to say something nice at my funeral then.

This is, not entirely jokingly, my response to almost everyone these days. Say something nice about me when I'm gone. It's complicated for me I think. That response. A low key, low bother way of saying. I am here. Or rather was here. A person. With feelings. And who hurt. Please be nice. And awfully. Something I cannot say when I am alive. Because. Just like other fucked up people. I don't think I matter. Which. I know. Double standard. I could talk to myself about how that was wrong. Heh.

I guess. That statement from her dad. Even though it wasn't at me directly. It was nice to be acknowledged. I must have done good somewhere. Not a total waste of space. Even bumping along fatigue shitsville.

Also. Weird meme relevant. Memes. What wisdom do they not encompass ??