Aug 26
The days go past in a struggle. A few rare days are better. Some days just disappear. But I guess on the whole it's liveable with. New normal liveable.
I once again find myself idly considering the differences between terrible days and less terrible days. The lack of easily identifiable patterns. But despite the incapability to find a smoking gun, the effects are obvious and dramatic.
This Thursday for instance. I had worked the two prior days, tired, always tired. Went to sleep in the early hours of Thursday morning.
And slept. And slept. And slept.
I woke up at 3pm. A 12 hour sleep. Ate something. And collapsed back into exhaustion. And slept.
7.30pm. I woke up. Felt a little better.
I had slept at this point for 15 hours.
Just. Think about that for a moment. In a 24 hour day. Sleeping for 15 hours.
And this is my normal for days that disappear.
The next day was similar. I was awake for nine out of the 24 hours again. Another 15 hour sleep. This one split up a bit more.
A good day is when I get 12 hours awake.
Eh well. Who knows.
Hazel's boyfriend arrived. I met him briefly, we all went for a walk with the mutts. He is very shy and quiet. Seems like a nice guy. But incredibly introverted. And seemingly stuck to his phone. Despite being in a different country. Different experiences. Stuck looking at his phone. Blows my mind. Perhaps it's just a form of anxiety coping. Perhaps this is what all "kids" are like ( he's 29 for the record - putting him as a very young millenial ). They seemed to have no chemistry together. A strange relationship. But I didn't pay that much attention.
I dropped them back to Hazel's flat - ironically the first proper time she will have spent living there - and went home myself.
I am living in twilight at the moment. Most of my time spent asleep. The rest. Nursing myself into some form of awareness. And then perhaps for some hours during the evening I am back to my old self. Aware. Thinking. At peace. The old Johnny. It's a strange existence. It crossed my mind it was like living like a vampire. Awake for a few hours of night time. And having the rest of the time slide past.
Again I find I am struggling mentally to deal with it all. Part of me is content with this twilight life. It's ok. Just. Sink into it. Like my dreams. Disappearing backwards into a dark ocean abyss, the light overhead dwindling and twinkling above as you float down. It is. Peaceful. The peace of the dead. And part of me worries. That I am so tired. And ill. And yada. And that I have missed a chunk of my life. And that everything will be like this now forever. Stuck in amber. Until I finally cark it. My house and things a tomb of what I once was. Which inevitably is the end most of us have. I'm just seeing it. A lot quicker.
Anywho.
Pff.
Life eh.
I read a thing today about grief. Pysch stuff. Studies. The "new" DSM entry about "prolonged grief disorder". Interesting stuff. Some key takeaways. Grief isn't depression. Grief permanently rewires your brain ( but I think a lot of stuff does this. This is my whole, you can't unlearn your times table thing. And also. A reason why we pick up so much baggage over life and it ends up weighing us down so much, like so much scar tissue ). Grief lowers your empathy to others - it shrinks the bit of brain responsible for it. It lowers your oxytocin - your capability to feel love.
Have a read if you're interested. It's long. But had good science in it. How the brain works. What it does. And as ever. The constant reminder. It's not just something you can brush off. Get over. Stick a smile on. It all has consequences. And weight. Yeah. You can learn to cope with it. And work around it. Maybe even learn. But it doesn't go away. Shit happens. There are consequences. That is life.
Until next time blog.
Try and be happy. Hug those you love. And stick together with those that give a shit. It's cold outside.
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