Aug 28

Real bad health days.

Went for a walk with the mutts in the early evening, recently rained, very humid, not hot. The air was thick with water vapour and forest rot and spores. I could feel it settling on my chest but thought nothing of it.

That night. I was constantly pulled from sleep not being able to breathe. Asthma kicking in hard. In the end half asleep I did an old trick, and propped myself up slightly, and this was enough to let me sleep a little better.

I haven't had to do that in 40 years.

The last time it was that bad was when I was a kid, and one of those times, which, now, come to think of it mimics my recent day exactly, I nearly carked it. This was when they diagnosed that oh boy, I have asthma.

Nearly dying from something tends to focus the minds of health care professionals. Sometimes.

Back then I had gone to a botannical garden in Spain with my parents during the day. It was hot. And humid. And the air was filled with pollen. And thought little of it.

Until at night. Where I suddenly couldn't breathe. Really, really badly.

Uh huh. But that was then. And I thought I had left that stuff behind. Apparently not. As my asthma starts to get worse again, I am revisiting old states.

Anyway. After my bad asthma, I loaded myself up on all the asthma drugs and it got better, not perfect, but dealable.

Ate something. Immediately hit by a wave of exhaustion. Super hard. Tugging me down.

Mmm k. Perhaps it's because I didn't get much sleep.

A few hours later. The exhaustion had retreated slightly, only to be replaced with a migraine.

I gave up. And retreated to bed to sleep through the worst of it.

I woke up feeling like shit and pondering my shitty fucking current existence. Not living. Just bouncing from one shit thing to the next.

And that's not to get into all the other shit, the tinnitus has been raging, hands going dead, the dizzies, the all sorts of bullshit.

Like an old banger on the verge of giving up the ghost.

As I rolled over for sleep last night, I wished I could just die of something peacefully in my sleep. I realised that my only quality of existence was within sleep, and sometimes not even there. But in there, as often as not I don't hurt. It's not a struggle. I'm just longing for oblivion really. Sad. But true.

Eh well.

Today I need to rouse myself and drop Poppy back to Hazel.

Hopefully this week will be quiet. Andy is away. I have a SQL problem to solve that I am kind of enjoying. All of that being said. One of our developers is still struggling hardcore with the bit of work that he's got. Not really his fault. Andys fault for giving him something stupid to do. It's one of those tasks that has always relied on my just doing it. And it's not going well. I haven't even looked at the implementation of it. It's probably awful. Andy had made a deal with our client for a new system, has ended up not giving them a new system, and bodging it to try and do what it needs to do. It's complex. It has put a lot of stress on our new developer. And eventually. Andy is probably gonna get caught out in his lie and will also see the work currently done be unmaintainable if not break entirely.

This is the way he works by default. Bodge it. Continue to bodge it until it has stopped working. Then run away.

In his heart he wants to do better. And likes to think he does better. But this is one of those leopard not changing his spots things. And it's tied into his anxiety and short term people pleasing malarkey.

Eh well.

At the end of the week I will need to look after Poppy again as Hazel accompanies her bf back to Heathrow.

And then after that. All should be quiet.

I've lost count of the number of cross city trips I've made of late getting Hazel settled. Enormous. 45 to 60 minute round trip each time. I don't mind helping. But I have to admit the trip is now dragging. I think I am done. Some of her stuff is still scattered about my house. She is in general pretty shit at moving things. I will see if I can gather up a final car full and take it with me this week. That should then be it. Done and dusted. And all will be quiet.

Not that quiet particularly makes things peace and light for me. But it does make curling into a ball easier.

Positives.

There are no positives.

On the way home from a super quick trip to pick up the bare minimum grocery supplies, the evening was once again lovely. The roads clear. And I wasn't immediately hurting. I once again got that brief glimpse of how lovely things could be. Should be. A roof over my head. Money in the bank. No debts. Freedom. Life should be amazing. I could almost taste it. Like. Oh. And then it was gone by the time I got home 5 minutes later. As I creaked out of the car. And slumped into bed, exhausted.