Aug 7

 Had a pretty good weekend all in all. Staved off exhaustion. Didn't hurt too much. Noodled around.

But then I feel guilty. About not doing much when I feel a bit better. A wasted opportunity to do things.

I put up with it. But it nags at me.

As a couple of better days drift past, my hilarious sub conscious decides to torment me and turn my dreams into sadness and longing and grief.

Sigh.

There are repeating trends with them. Unhelpful parents - but my mom is still around. Combative relationship with my dad. Ares that occasionally pops by. And a shifting girlfriend type figure that is never the same thing twice, but always centers on it slipping through my fingers. A deep connection. And they are comfortable and happy and then skit away from me.

Which in one way or another has been if not always the thing, then often the thing with my relationships or near misses. I think one in particular was like that. Someone who couldn't commit because of fear of commitment. Fear of being vulnerable. But at the same time desperately wanting that. She was, of course, nuts. But there are others who have been similar to that too. I don't grasp. I don't pin down. I let people float as they will. Which perhaps then leads you into situations where guess what, people tend to flutter away. There's a saying that echoes in my head at times, love things enough to let them go when they want to go. And if they come back to you of their own accord, you know it's meant to be.

To be clear it's not some fucked up new school test that some people put others through. It's just not pinning people down with jealousy or other negative bullshit. You can love someone - and communicate that - but not have some bullshit control over them. Be it through moralising or guilt - how dare you do X - or even more darkly through legal commitments like marriage and divorce making it harder to squirm out of that agreement.

There is some wisdom in pinning stuff down like that. People can be temperamental. And flighty. And sometimes pinning people to deadlines or agreements or the like can bring out a better version of that person. At least in terms of consistency. And in the long run they may be happier with themselves for it. But it's a really iffy dangerous line. On the other very close side of that line is forcing people to do things they don't want to do. Getting them stuck in places they no longer want to be. Coercion.

It's a tricky balance. Discipline. When enforced by others. And there is one school of thought that says it's always a negative influence. That discipline and direction should always come from an internal place. Your own wisdom. Your own path. Not directed on you by others. But the - possibly unpalatable - reality is discipline from outside can work. And can be useful. And can overcome weaknesses in the person.

Perhaps ultimately it's about choice. So long as you are the one choosing to be under that kosh or not. A conscious decision. Then it's ok.

But then you run into the problem of choice itself. People are rarely good at choosing free of all ties and emotional baggage. And more often than not a choice is influenced by some form of coercion. No choice at all. An arm twisted behind your back.

Anyway. Long digression.

Personally, wrong or right, I come down on the side of zero coercion. Let people decide for themselves what they want. Which after many years wandering through life, I fully admit is probably more wishful idealised thinking than is the reality, ie, people tend to do better with guidelines, some form of coercion, than left completely to their own devices. In me treating people to be completely free, they are I think more likely to just float away. Because reality does not meet my wished for expectations of people being able to cope with that.

Even though. In theory. That should be the ideal.

But. Right or wrong. That's me. I am not going to control someone else. Ever. It's not in my bones. It's less of a choice. And more of a nature. It's not something I sit and consciously decide upon. It's just how I am. And like asking a fish to fly, controlling someone else doesn't come naturally to me. There are times when I am asked or have to do it. And I don't like it. And sooner than later I will seek to give that up.

Perhaps you could argue it means I am poor at responsibility. I don't like being responsible for someone else. I don't think that's it though. I am ok with having to support someone. Or someone being dependent on me.

At my age. Most of this is now a backwards conversation. What has happened before. History. I don't see a future for myself.

Moving on.

Today I come out of sleep with the mists of longing and sadness clinging to me. It has severely impacted my mood. Coloured the entire day. Quiet. Introspective. Sad. Resigned.

Depressed.

Today also anxiety decides to show up. Nothing specific. But that sketchiness. Non specific worry. At times edging into panicky. Don't want to go out. Don't want to do anything. Everything seems complex and hard and inviting pain. Would much rather go back to sleep. But the thought of that too is sketchy and guilt ridden.

A thought occurs to me a glimmer, perhaps much of the anxiety comes from being hurt one too many times. That thought about everything you do being a potential to cause pain. The shying away from sticking your hand into the fire. Anxiety. Every move you make. Will be like putting your hand into the fire.

A gun shy horse.

Is that what my scarred psyche is like ? Too many beatings with a stick ?

Maybe. But for today. My anxiety chemicals and sympathetic nervous system are all in stress mode. The rational bit doesn't get a vote. Run dude. Hide.

Anxiety. Up.

Today is going to be a hard day. Fighting with the mental demons.

Tomorrow is work. Which is no doubt also feeding some of the anxiety fires. I am not looking forward to it. And I can foresee major fuckups on the horizon. Ho hum.

How can I shift todays narrative. How can I move my space from sad anxiety ball. To something more normal. I don't know. Wait. Time. Is there something active I can do ? I've not been swimming lately. Weirdly it has just not matched up to the times I am free. An annoyance of the local pool is that it is available only in very small very specific parts of the day. Miss the hour slot and you're fucked. But also, it is summer holidays. And even if you hit it. It would be full of kids and parents of kids.

I am still somewhat loathe to talk to people at the moment. Ish. If they talk to me I am fine. But I am not seeking people out.

I seem to have decided that I am going to let most of my friendships in Norwich just fizzle out.

From social butterfly. To hermit.

But it's not terribly conscious. Not a 3 point plan written down. Just. A flow. Subject to change. Maybe.

I don't know.

The irony is. Many people would love what I have. A roof over my head that is mine. Money in the bank. A job I can work in or not as I please that pays well.

And for sure they are important. And if I didn't have them it would be a huge problem.

But I do have them.

And there is no pot of gold at the end of that rainbow.

It's empty.

I have fulfilled some obligations that allow me to actually live. Ticked the boxes that allow me to survive. Shelter. Food. Stability.

And on achieving it. Been welcomed by a yawning empty warehouse. Full of cobwebs and the cold.

I think so much of society struggles to get their bare minimums. Being able to survive from one day to the next. That that becomes the meaning of life. Just to survive. Our capitalist system has made it that way. It's a false scarcity. We could easily cover everyone on the planet. But. The truth is. It's not life. That survival thing. Yes. It is a requirement for life. But it is not life itself. Not being happy. Or fulfilled. Or whatever it is. That's just about running from the forest fire quickly enough to not be consumed in the conflagration.

In some ways it's like getting to the end level of a game. Congratulations you won. And finding a black screen. Empty. Void. No meaning. No purpose.

I have no real answers. Just plenty of observations.

Perhaps the human animal always needs to be put in a place of stress. To give it a meaning. Because we can't handle, and aren't designed for, bigger questions beyond mere survival.

In any case.

It's probably just me. Unable to enjoy shit. Depressed. Those happy levers don't work anymore. They broke off sometime ago. Hard to be objective when half of the inputs no longer function correctly. Like being colour blind. To happiness.

Ha.