August 1st

 One better day, one meh day.

The better day was nice. I didn't feel entirely exhausted, and wasn't in a lot of pain. The day after, eh, meh, yeah. Middling for both. And headaches all round regardless of the day.

I've also realised I do better with distractions. It doesn't actually make me feel better. But it can, depending on the wind strength and direction, distract me from feeling like shit enough that it's ok. Sometimes of course, all bets are off.

Ho hum.

My sister called off the visit last minute. Bad weather was due she said. So. Not coming. Fair enough. Today the weather is grey. Not rainy. Not cold. Just grey. I think it would have been fine to be honest, but, you can never tell with the rainy weather at the moment, so, I get it. And honestly, I was relieved she called off the visit. Given my run of bad days lately I am behind on everything, and not having to cope with my sister and sister in law visiting was a burden lifted from me. I am instead free to collapse quivering in a heap. This is my life. Coming up to the surface to be a passable human is quite the stage act at times. A full on production involving many moving parts and much effort just to pull off a show for a while.

Sometimes it's not like that. And I can pootle along without the grand fanfare of pulling myself together.

Never sure what the day is going to be.

Work this week.

I feel more settled this week. I've stopped fretting about how shit is going. I'm just turning up. Righting a few chairs. Answering a few questions. And moving on. Which. Arguably. Is what the job should be. It's just I am very well used to it not being that.

Despite that, getting into the work thing this morning was hard. Jump starting the coughing shitty engine that is me was difficult. I knew it would be. So I solved one outstanding problem at 3am last night. Like. Doing your homework early because you know the next day is likely to be a disaster.

A debate last night. The at this point worn argument about a difficult subject and political dynamite. In our current age of shit throwing and pitchfork wielding you can't have these conversations without being burned at the stake. The debate was around rape. Or rather the statement that women should not have to be expected to be careful, and should be able to be free to go anywhere, do anything, and not get raped. Which. No one is questioning that this should be the case. In a perfect world. But it's not a perfect world. And precautions are surely wise ? The debate then is. Fuck no. No precautions. It's a societal issue. More than that. It's a man issue. And men need to sort themselves out which means zero responsibility for women ( or anyone ).

Which I do get. And in a perfect world, absolutely correct. But this isn't a perfect world. And precautions like, not walking down dark alleys in shit parts of the world are going to help keep you safe above and beyond a wonderfully high morale horse of, society shouldn't be this way.

People should be free to walk down a street and not get murdered in shady parts of the world. People should be able to park a car and not get it broken into. Or pickpocketed in a crowd. And on. And on. But that shit happens. And for the same reason that you lock your car when you leave it. Or put a chain around your bicycle when you park it. Or police advisories tell you not to leave valuables in a car, or that pickpockets are in an area. Precaution - and talking about that precaution - is a wise step in having to live in the real world and not fall foul of shit. Refusing to do any of this - walking through Afghanistan preaching christianity for instance - ups your chances of a bad outcome. Yeah. It's shit. No debate. No argument. Yeah, everyone should do better. But it is what it is. And ignoring the actual reality for some pissy morale point is naive at best. Entitled self important stupidity at worst. In my humble opinion. Which is one that no doubt gets me burned at the stake for being an asshole.

Being brutal about it. I just see it as sulky self entitlement about how the world isn't perfect and it's everyone elses fault. Sure. There's a point there. But there's also a maturity point there about having to deal with an imperfect world. Strive for better. Absolutely. But don't be an asshole in failing to acknowledge the reality of a current situation.

As a medic, expecting to walk through a battlefield because you're a non combatant is cute. But not bullet proof. And medics wear bullet proof armour and helmets. Because shit is very far from perfect.

It also calls to mind for me the reports of idiotic missionaries who believing God would protect them wander into places they really shouldn't be. And get stabbed. Dismembered. Eaten. By peoples and tribes that really really dislike strangers entering their turf, and are not beyond having a person burger for dinner. It's like some form of deranged hyper belief in your own bullshit. I cannot be hurt. I am in the right ! A sad epitaph. More caution. Less cavalier required.

Of course, a good rebuttal to that in the case of rape is that it's often carried out by people known to the victim. About 80% of the time in fact. Which brings you full circle to the whole, they should actually be doing better, not just in a perfect world, in the actual real world. Which is valid. But walking into shitty places amongst shitty people does not stand. No matter who you are. But also of note here. Murder is also most commonly carried out between parties that know each other. Murdering strangers, it turns out, shares the same stat. Somewhere around 90% of the time, murders are between people that knew each other. Which then circles back to this being a human problem overall. To truly do something heinous to someone else it turns out, we like to know who we're dealing with first. It shouldn't be like that. But it is. And I somehow doubt no matter how many campaigns you run, or educational programs. You're unlikely to shift this statistic.

Knowing this. It pays to be mindful. Not being mindful because you have a superior moral calling is downright idiotic. But don't ask me. Ask evolution. Which will weed you out for your fatal decision making.

Like a lot of things. Context matters. And the simple black and white screaming matches don't do anything except reveal our inability to learn to be anything but tribal and stick with a party line.

Ultimately. Life can be super shit. Bad things can happen to nice people. We can strive to do better. But also know. It's super unlikely you'll ever reach perfection on anything. Plan accordingly. But also. Try not to obsess about it. Because living in fear all the time is no way to live. Which means. You have to expose yourself to being hurt or maybe even killed. Which. Is unfortunately the way life is. A coin flip. Like life and death itself. Eventually it turns to shit and you get ill and die and yada. But in the meantime. Try to enjoy yourself. Same vibe.

I'm not saying it's great.

Just reality.

Anywho. Enough with the debating of political firestorms. Are there problems in society, rape being a prominent one ? Yes. Should we do better. Yes. Does this mean you shouldn't take measures to protect yourself ? No. End of debate.