August 3rd

 The days are zipping by. Mostly living in a state of pretty hard meh, aches, pains, at times forcing me into bed and sleep. And pootling around when I can, which is to say, getting up, mooching about the house and returning to bed.

Today I made it out to give Athena a walk. Which wasn't terrible. Wasn't great. Wasn't terrible. I realised on the walk around the forest that I just put up with a constant background scream of terrible now, and that it's a good day when I actually have some space not to be entirely distracted by how terrible I'm feeling right at that moment. But even then. Like today. My head spins the entire walk. My eyes feel "off". Like everything has a "screen lag" of half a second. And I get waves of feeling ill and needing to stop and sit.

But. In places I can actually take a moment to look at a tree. Or a bit of grass. It is fleeting. But. I can take in some what of I am walking around.

Once upon a time it was not like this. I used to go for a walk. And be absorbed in things around me. No thoughts about how shit I felt. No pains or aches or unwellness.

Now it's like being in quicksand with just my face above the swamp. Pretty much all your thinking goes out of your head and you focus on the next breath.

It's like that. When it's not quite that bad. Head out of the swamp. It's better. But it's never good.

I am doubtful it will ever be that good again.

Ho hum.

The sadness is heavy on me today. A fleeting thought passed about Ares and it made me sad. I watched Athena walking and it made me sad. And it stayed. And hurt. Oh. Today is one of those mentally unstable sad days. Ho hum. I do my best to slowly steer my thoughts away from it.

But. I couldn't help thinking. I don't enjoy life. Let's make that very clear.

I am sure for some people life is a series of things they are looking forward to. Things that they enjoy. For sure there are probably periods of tedium and irritation, work amongst them. But the plan for things. Vacations. And kids activities. And friends activities. And relaxing. And yada. And they have a positive thing, and enjoyment of life.

I don't.

Life for me is an excercise in endurance. Not happiness. Cowardice and spite and willpower and suffering to keep trekking on. 

Perhaps it's a point that gets easily missed. People think because you are kicking around, still alive, that you must be enjoying life, pootling along, smelling the roses.

I assure you, it's not.

I think perhaps that marks a difference between some people. You can see the same status quo. But whilst for one, they imagine this as a resting point of little effort with lofty highs above them and perhaps some lows. For others. This is their high water mark. Nothing above them. And deep lows below them. And a monumental effort to reach that high water mark - their no effort resting point is somewhere deep in the gloom below.

Those two people can have a very different opinion on the value of life to them. And what they're getting out of it.

So no.

I don't enjoy life. Life to me is an unending miserable battle. I am not glad to be here.

But you plod on. Some days I am distracted. Don't look too hard at it. The pain lessens. I watch a cloud float by. And for a moment, I forget how shit everything is. It's not life though. It's a distraction from life.

Eh well.

Today whilst walking around the woods, I also contemplated that I have no clue what I am doing. I don't really know what makes me feel better or worse. There are no real plans because.. there is nothing you can plan. I am just bumping along feeling randomly shit at times. To be sure I have tried all sorts. Diet. And rest. And no rest. And work. And no work. And excercise. And no excercise.

The underlying fact remains persistent.

It sucks.

All of the stupid fucking off the cuff advice you get about, ooh drink more water. Oh avoid sugar.

It doesn't fucking matter. It's like window dressing for the apocalypse.

Meh.

We don't know enough about how we work. Medically. We know some tricks. And some simple a then b type things. But we are clueless as to how shit works at a deeper level. Holistically. Forget it.

We live in an age where we are still effectively dancing around naked waving chickens about and asking for the bad humours to be released.

Except with a white coat. And a professional manner. And a pretence of knowing shit.

Meh.

Roll on tomorrow. I've had worse.