If IT Support was Healthcare

 Imagine if IT had the same response as healthcare. Or, as I like to say, if I did my job the way healthcare professionals treat me, there would be two potential consequences. Either no one would have a decent computer system running anymore - they'd all be fucked. And or. I wouldn't have a job anymore because I'm basically not doing my expected job, just fobbing people off.

Anywho.

If IT were like healthcare.

1. You're Crazy 

Oh. You have a problem with your PC ? Well. I've run an AV scan and it shows nothing. Have you considered that you might have a mental health issue ? I think you're imagining your computer not working. I will schedule you a visit to a therapist.

2. Don't bother me

You're having trouble with your mobile phone ? Hmm. I suggest you drink lots of fluids, and if you're still having trouble with your mobile phone in 2 weeks, get back to us. Repeat this step as necessary. Indefinitely.

3. Ain't got time for that

That does sound like a problem with your PC alright. I've performed an AV scan and come up with nothing. I think we'll just chalk this up to One Of Those Things rather than do more diagnostics. Don't you agree ? We could methodically step through things investigating this problem, but really, that would take a lot of time. I suggest you just live with it. Have you considered just not using those bits of your PC ?

4. Stock Answer

( To be fair IT does do this ). You have <insert any reported problem whatsoever>. Have you tried turning it off and on again and not bothering us ? Thanks. Go away. By the way we close in 5 minutes.

5. What else can be done ?

Well, I've run TWO AV scans now and it shows nothing. I mean. What else can we do to figure out what's wrong ? We've run TWO AV scans. It took us 30 minutes. Incredible. We've done all we possibly can and spent all the time we have. Now that I think about it... are you crazy ? See 1. No I dont know of any other way to diagnose a computer problem other than running an AV scan.

6. If I don't know it, it's not worth knowing

As a dedicated telephone support operative I can honestly say I've never heard of a "driver conflict error" and neither have any of my colleagues. I think you're just making it up. Our guidelines clearly state to run an AV scan which will show up any known PC problems. What do you mean you want a second opinion ? I'm the expert here.

7. Out of Office

Your call is very important to us. Unfortunately we have no appointments for today, and, just because we decided to, we don't accept appointments for the future either. Only same day appointments. Please try ringing us tomorrow at 7am, waiting in an infinitely long phone queue, before we tell you all the appointments are gone for the day, and can you try again tomorrow at 7am.

If you would like an appointment at the weekend have you thought about just quietly dying in a corner instead ? Thank you.

In fact if you just died in a corner fullstop that would allow me to close this IT support ticket. Thanks.

8. Theres an app for that

Oh that sounds like a problem. I recommend you take these two apps and use them twice a day and not bother us again. You've tried these apps before ? Let's try these two different apps instead. And again. Don't bother us. Thank you.

9. Waiting list

We note you have been identified as having your PC on fire. We have scheduled you for PC fire extinguishing support to visit you in 12 months. Don't bother us again.

10. Waiting list lies

We note that your 12 month fire extinguising support visit was due 3 months ago. You have a right as a PC user to have a support visit in 3 months. We're just going to ignore that. We will be in touch when we can get a support visit to you. Also as a polite reminder. Don't bother us again. If you must bother us, IE to report new issues such as, my PC has already burnt entirely down whilst waiting for you, make sure to start from the beginning of our support ticket system and repeat everything you've already said.

11. Sounds expensive

Your PC problem sounds complicated and may require multiple steps to diagnose. Unfortunately we aren't going to spend any money on you and have scheduled you for just one diagnosis pass. Who knows if it will find anything, but probably not. We'll get back to you in 12 months when we think we might be able the schedule you in.

12. Gaslight Diet

Well that sure does sound like a PC problem. But I don't think that's the real issue here. I think your issue is that you consume too much web content. Have you considered going on a web consumption diet ? Let's get you some information on how you can limit your browsing habits. What do you mean FATAL DRIVER ERROR has nothing to do with too much web content. Let's be honest here. Browing less web content is going to be better for you. Perhaps it will help with your FATAL DRIVER ERROR. Thank you. Good bye.

13. The unicorn

Wow yes, that does sound like a problem. We've run an AV scan and some other tests but they have come up inconclusive. I am passing you over to one of our developers who is going to debug your system for you and find exactly what's wrong. We'll find out the problem and get that patched asap. Wow yes, it does sound like you've had crappy IT support in the past. I am sorry you experienced this.

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