Sep 28

 Hmm. Good news or bad news first.

Let's do the bad.

So, exhaustion et al dogging me still. Of course. Today it took on a new face.

After sleeping some 12 hours, I got up, pootled around a bit but rested. As dusk came down I felt warmed up and mostly human, so, took Athena out for a walk.

And it was lovely. I felt pretty good. We had a nice walk. But after 40 minutes or so, I started to get really tired. Very quickly. We went home. And in the 10 minutes to took to drive home I was crashing. Once again I felt very "flu like". A little too warm. Not sweating. Not ugh. But just. Incubation warm. And I felt off. Flu like. And very very tired. Exhausted. Shaky. Foggy.

I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to move. Despite having only been up for maybe 4 hours.

Today my exhaustion was the worst it has ever been. And. It made me feel properly ill - even when I was trying to rest. I don't know where to go from here. There is no more down.

But perhaps it's just a blip for today. Who knows.

Hmm.

Onto good news.

I had a chat with Andy late in the day on Wednesday. Nothing specific. I just fancied a chat. So we talked about this and that work wise. Updated him a little on my health - garbage. And then he said something that surprised me. Was I back down to 2 days a week. Yeah I said. Because I've noted you've been sometimes answering questions on your day off. Yeah, it happens. We're still paying you for 3 days a week.

Really ?

To be honest I haven't checked my bank in forever.

But Andy has been overpaying me. Which is a first.

He said he was worried that two days pay wasn't enough.

Uh huh.

After my month off he had said he was going to bump my pay and yada blah. But we never talked about it. And frankly I couldn't be arsed. These days, everything fades into insignificance compared to how shit I feel.

I figured he had just forgot about it. Or just not bothered. Which in the past he has done a lot.

But as it turns out, he's been paying me more.

I said I sometimes stay up late to get stuff done, and answer a few questions in my days off if it doesn't seem too onerous.

Well, it's probably fair we pay you 3 days he then said.

Uh huh.

Honestly, I don't really think it is. I don't do enough for the 3 days pay. I can barely keep up with the 2 days pay.

But it's nice of him. And I said so.

Perhaps, finally, if the business is doing well, I can get my happy money for having dragged it through all the hard times. The reward for all the hardwork. I'm not sure I believe in shit like that. But. In any case. I am grateful that for the moment it's happening.

At this rate however. It feels like all I am really doing. Is putting money aside for my will. Really.

Eh well.

Could be worse. I could not have any money at all. Don't complain. ( I'm not, it's just ironic that I'm now at a point in my life where money has dwindled in importance, and health is the only thing that matters ).

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feb 29

 Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful...
Read more

May 9

 Athenas back left leg is limp. Lifeless. Just. Gone. Her right one is only vaguely there, still trying to walk a bit at times. But. No strength. Folded. We have got her up a few times today, to drink, pee, poo. She has got accustomed to being carted around in a sling, her front legs still working. She still looks up. Wants to know what you're eating. She is, as she ever has been, still Athena. Still interested. Still awake. And tomorrow at 11am I take her to put her to sleep. Her legs are gone. Not just an overdid it. They are gone. I do not know or understand how they suddenly went from fine to not fine in 15 minutes. But it has happened. And they show no signs of reversing. Today I made the stupidly hard and fucked up and awful decision to put her to sleep tomorrow. I have crucified myself over it. Today ? Tomorrow ? Monday ? Next week ? Tomorrow. There is no hope. She will not recover. And I will have to snuff out her good life, her beautiful soul, full of curiousity and confid...
Read more

Nov 6

 Wake up at 8.20AM with the sound of next door replacing their bathroom. I cannot begin to describe how deathly awful I feel. Shit scraped from the bottom of the barrel. I check the laptop. Set it up for work. And then collapse back to sleep. I worked for some hours last night. I felt a little better, so, I worked. Midday. Awake again. I come out of a horrible horrible place. Everything aches. My eyes are sealed shut with gunk. A wincing pain somewhere around my stomach like a squeeze accompanies my waking. I often get this now. I feel utterly terrible. I have run out of options and coping strategies. So Trump wins with a fairly convincing win. What's the message ? America really hates women presidents ? If nothing else it's clear a large part of the US is fine with all that Trump represents. It was always going to be this way, if not now then soon. The rump of the US is morally bankrupt, happy to occupy a devoid of principles space, large on religious bigotry and hate. The US ...
Read more