Sep 6

 Diabolical day today.

We've had a little heat today, nothing too dramatic, but the humidity has been very high with it.

It appears my health stuff really struggles with the heat.

I tried just dying today. I really did. I felt so awful. So tired. I dozed. And everytime I stirred my heart would twinge. An ache. Then gone. It's been doing that for a while. Everytime I kickstart from sleep to awake. An ache settled in all over my torso. And in my dozing state, every single limb so heavy. I just waited. Just. Die. Already. Don't fight it.

And obviously it never came. Just hovering in some quasi awful place instead. But I tried. Slow your breathing. Drift away.

In some ways it reminds me of a few years ago when I was horribly ill and used to lie there absolutely suffering, going out of my mind. And yet. Still clinging on. Despite my rational desire to do the opposite. The animal in me is not keen to let go it would seem.

Ho hum.

Today, finally, the work day arrived that I had been predicting since June.

Work has ground to a halt on one of our clients changes that Andy and one of our devs was working on. The delivery day is now blown, and the little white flag has come up, and all of it has now landed in my lap. Apart from me providing some pointers about what data you want, or why some thing isnt working, this major project has been nothing to do with me. I gave my guidance at the start - long, costly, going to need new tech. And other than that. It has been Andy's baby. And now it's fucked.

Every single thing I predicted has happened. And just for a little irresistable foreshadowing I said to Andy a week ago that it was the blind leading the blind. And here we are.

You have to stop and think a little about this. How is it I can predict the outcome of something months out before it has even properly begun. What does it mean about the failures that were hit and their predictability and how common they are.

Despite all that. It's not really fair to just wash my hands of it all. Well. It is. And it isn't.

The predictable fuckups and situation is caused by apparent - to me - severe shortcomings in the business. Andys inability to grasp the technical and make good decisions, both technical and business. The tendency to silo everyone into a single work pool. The bad processes.

All of which gets you a repeating failure point.

And for me. I should step in and fix all these things. Right the ship. Provide the technical nous where applicable, kick Andy up the ass when he looks like he's going to make a terrible decision. Clean up after people. Wipe asses. Clean faces. And basically pull it altogether so that it works. In a better world I shouldn't have to do that. It's a very bad sign I need to. I shouldn't have to peddle so hard. Problems in processes would get fixed. Andy would get better. Or learn to not make decisions he isn't qualified for. But. That never happens. And I always have to make the super human effort to keep everything relatively smooth. And very luckily. I can do that.

And I've been doing that, for at this point, well over a decade.

But I'm not doing that anymore.

My health. My energy. Yada. I signalled that I was done with this more than 2 years ago. I can't keep covering asses.

And as of this year - because of course that message gets basically ignored - another bullshit set of failures in the spring pushed me.. well.. in hindsight... probably over the edge healthwise and into the same do or die situation.

And after that failure. Really. This time. You need to stand on your own two feet and learn how to do stuff.

But here we are again.

It's not terribly surprising. It's not as if those lessons are absorbed overnight. But. I guess critically. It's whether they can ever be learned or are you doomed to continually fuck up. I think. Perhaps. It's the latter. Andy is trying. But he still defaults to terrible decision making. Perhaps at some point in the future, with the right people, he can learn to stop doing that. But. I've been trying to do that with him for the longest time. And he still does it. And he has taken months to think about this. And has taken on new people around him. And has still failed in the same ways again. Indeed it is from my experiences with him and others that have lead me to change my mind on peoples limits and capabilities. Before hand I would say almost anyone can do anything if they are inclined to do so. Now. I don't truly believe that. People hit their limit. And like a glass full of water, they can add no more water. No new learning. Doing so ends up with something lost. And more often than not, it's the new things you're trying to add.

And sometimes. It's not just about the technical. It's just. Questionable decisions. Greed. Vs Anxiety. The old battle in Andy. We have charged the client for new tech. Because that's what I said needed to be done. Andy has charged them for it. But decided to go with old tech - with the problematic limitations inherent in that. No one twisted his arm to do that. He could have sought advice. Or even come clean with the client about changing focus. A different approach. And explain why he's doing that. But he did none of that. This is no one elses failure or responsibility at that point. Even at a stretch. His greed wanted the money. His anxiety wouldn't let him tell the client or think things through or trust his devs. Bad call. And now we are all in the boat with him where we have to cover that lie. Which just makes everything so much worse. 

And during all of that. He has just stuck his head in the sand, the dev has followed suit, because that's what Andy is showing him. And we hit the release day wall. And cry for help.

This has happened in the past. Exactly. Same setup. And ended up destrying devs along the way. Turned them into nervous wrecks. Because the psychological payload is a hard one to deal with. Questioning your professional capabilities because you failed. Not being able to get satisfaction of a job done. Feelings of being a disappointment. Of being out of control and slippery specs and ever changing demands and expectations. It grinds devs up into pieces and spits them out.

I said I would just let this project fail. Not get involved. It's nothing to do with me.

But here we are. And at this point I've basically taken it out of the hands of both Andy and the dev and to an extent the client themselves. It's now all on me.

But I'm not going to bust myself doing it. Well. I don't need to. I am already hard busted. I am struggling hardcore any given day. And today was terrible. Without any work shenanigans.

So I will noodle along with it. And it will be done when it's done.

Unless I cark it first.

Always possible. Supposed to be warmer as the days go on.

Ho hum.

But evening has arrived. Cooler. And I have come out of sleep. Slightly better. More alive. It will last for some hours now. Before I slide back down that hill of awfulness.

Peaks. And troughs.

Just like my poor old mom.

It's not the peaks you have to worry about, but the troughs.