Sep 7

 I tried hard today to force some kind of reasonable pattern on my day.

I tried super hard to fight through the exhaustion and shit. Just. Sheer willpower. I will not feel tired. I will not feel ill.

It didn't work. And after a brief period of wakefulness around midday. I slumped back into sleep.

A few times I woke with a start gasping for breath. Odd chest pains dogging me in and out of sleep. Continual odd headaches ghosting around the front of my head. And arms going dead all the time. It was bad.

I'm not sure if it's a bad heart finally kicking my ass, or anxiety ramped up to maximum or both. Hard to say. Although. I'm pretty damn sure if it is anxiety, it's not anxiety alone. The way I tire out. Sometimes eating shuts me down hard. And blah. Meh.

Whatever it is, it's miserable. Black eyes greet me whenever I get up. Dizzies. And I feel like shit. Jeez. If this is circling the drain, there's a lot of goddamn hovering around the edge. Lots of time spent in purgatory, neither free, or yet completely damned. Hanging on in twilight is no fun. Either do it, or do not. That's kinda my way all round. Ho hum.

Andy sent a message today. The other dev has been pulled off the work. It's my baby now. We've already starting backtracking on specs and extra things. Sigh. It's not helping me feeling shit tbh.

It's now 7.30pm. And as ever I feel the tickling of me starting to feel a bit better. A bit lighter. Less ill. I find myself sitting and wondering. What should I do. How can I not die tomorrow. I have no clue. Like breaking through the clouds to see the sun, and already fearing the inevitable dive back into them and into the storm tomorrow.

Meds ? Caffeine ? Sugar ? Can I artificially override this bullshit. At this point I'd try anything. Or die. Come on. Get on with it.

I had half intended to go swimming today. To see if that helped. It usually does. But. I slept through the schedule. Missed the open swimming. That's the real downside to my local pool. Be here. For this hour. Or that hour. Or get fucked. You have to be a schedule monster to hit the pool at the right time.

I'll try sleeping early tonight. See if that helps. I've figured out that I need a minimum of 12 hours sleep. Absolutely ridiculous I know. But 12 hours just about gets me to be upright and stay upright without slumping. To be honest. I think 14 or so hours is my actual sleep required amount. It's not pretty sleeping that long. But that's how long it takes for my body to get somewhere on its feet.

To say that I am fucked is an understatement.

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