Sep 8

 Slept an ungodly amount. Close to 15 hours.

I went to bed earlier to pull my hours back and loaded up on meds. Anti histamines. Vitamins. Asthma. Mentals. 

At some point in the early hours something woke me up, a loud bump or some such, and I dragged myself out of hideous sleep. Eyes welded shut. Groggy as hell. And. As ever. Precipitated by a an ache of heart pain as I kickstarted.

I went back to sleep aware that this was not a good state.

And slept. And felt like I could get up at some point in the morning. But slept instead. And the afternoon rolled around.

And I feel a bit better. No false starts. I woke up slowly. And took an hour to get out of bed.

Walking through the kitchen I can feel my mind scratching away at reality. How weird it feels just to be awake. Also waiting for some element of suffering to start. When will the exhaustion kick in. Bordering on disassociation. It's a sign of just how sketchy my mental state is under the weird existence I have.

But so far I am ok. And I think I'm going to maintain.

Perhaps this is a routine I can repeat. Load up on meds before sleep. Sleep early. Sleep long. Don't force a wake up. And see how we do.

I have stuff to do around the house, but it has receded into the distance. The effort to do even the smallest thing seems monumental. Impossible. Getting up to slowly mooch around. And do nothing. Play a few games. Seems like a horrible waste of time. Then again. If this is me trying to recuperate. A stupid idea given how I am perpetually in some sinkhole or other. Perhaps I should again just give myself a break. Get from one day to the next. Don't sit and bemoan how you do it. Just be thankful that you can do it.

I went for a walk with Athena yesterday in the dying of the light. It had cooled at that point. And a lovely cooling air was sitting over the meadow. It was lovely to be out. And have a gentle walk. I enjoyed it a lot. Between too hot days, and shifting physical health, it can sometimes be tricky to get out of the house with Athena. Just. Never the right time. It felt good to get out. It's been a few days since we managed it. Athena continues to slow down. I suspect she's actually better now every third day out instead of every second day. But it varies a little. She gets tired out fairly quickly. And now rarely runs. But she's still content.

We shall see how I do today. I could really do with a few more gentle days. To let me get back up on my feet a bit. A bit of confidence return. And yada. Next week however I have difficult work to do on short timescales with Andy going to be fretting constantly because it's a blown project. Not great.

I am half considering taking a holiday.

Nothing extravagant. Somewhere very local to me. More for the change of scenery than anything else. As an experiment in getting away from the house. Does my house contribute to making me feel ill ? It's an open question. I find vacations to be an extravagant waste of money on the whole. Pointless. I know that's controversial. I've just never really seen the point despite having been on many in my time. Actually I think you can count the number of times I've been on "holiday" in my adult life on one hand. And the number of times I've been on holiday for no better reason than to just go somewhere even less than that. In fact. I think that number might just be one. Scotland. One summer. Ironically. I enjoyed Scotland. Which does rather tend to pop my bubble about no point going on vacation. Went once. Liked it. Conclusion. Don't go on vacation. Ok. Well. That makes perfect sense.

I think more than anything I'd like to go somewhere for a while where I can sleep. See if it changes anything in my health. Everything else is negotiable. I am not sure how to do that however. A holiday cottage that welcomes dogs is the obvious answer. I think also I'd like to have company whilst doing it.

I dunno.

Still thinking about it. I wonder if during very bad spells whether I can interrupt it by doing something like going on vacation. Throw a spanner in the normal schedule. Change of air. Change of bed. Perhaps it changes nothing. But if it does change things. It gives you a tool. A piece of light.

Wishful thinking perhaps.