Oct 13

 Greetings from the bunker.

I am up. Awake. Feeling tolerably ok. It is 7pm. I went to bed at something past midnight. I have been asleep for getting on for 18 hours. I fall asleep in the dark. I wake up in the dark. My waking hours are short. The bulk of my days, time, passes in a blur of sleeping oblivion.

The exhaustion dogs my heels.

And so it feels very much like a bunker. A small amount of time to do shit. Before slamming the lid shut again and letting the world pass.

Strange kinda form of living.

Eh well.

It's been bucketing down with rain today. All day. The sound of the drumming rain has filtered into my sleep. And Athena has turned up, soaked, from having been in the garden. On getting up I have her a dry off. Which she thoroughly likes. Sometimes if I don't dry her quick enough she will come and ask. Sidle up. Paw. Hey. Heyyy. Then turn her butt on me. Ok ok.

There are a whole bunch of things I should do. They lie unattended. It doesn't seem important. And I don't  have the energy for it. I can't hold onto people. They drift away. Because I am forever asleep. Or awake but exhausted. My window for normal interaction is so tight that I end up just never talking to people. Absent. Gone. Awol.

The days are passing in a blur. Days to weeks. Weeks to months.

It has been 4 months since I went to Oxford. 4 months since I kicked my days down to 2 working days a week. It feels like yesterday. I guess, spending so much time asleep, my sense of time is now perhaps a third or a quarter of what it was. A day now passes to me in a quarter of a day. Those 4 months feel like 1 month at most.

Despite this. I have been trying hard to Do Something About It.

I have girded some energy when I have had it. Tidied the bedroom. Hoovered the floors. Experimented with meds. Timings. Resting more. Resting less. Eating this. Eating that.

It doesn't seem to make much of a difference. Some blips. The anti histamines seemed to help for a while. Now they have little to no effect.

The problem is not in everything around me or what I do. The problem is me. And I have no fix for that.

Ah well.

Today, fresh from getting up, I gathered my energy and have made a chilli. Slow cooking in the ninja. At least I will have done something today.

If it ever stops raining. I will take Athena out. In the dark. We don't do that very often anymore. Once upon a time it's all we used to do. Midnight walks. Time turns. Things change. Everything fades. As ever, I find myself looking backwards. Forwards there is nothing. Not a good way to live. Melancholic.

Never mind. Take it easy. Be content you are alive, fed, housed, no immediate threat of death held to your head.

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