Oct 24

 Time flies. Weeks feel like a day. Navigating between feeling shit at all times and slowly coming up to the surface perhaps, for a few short hours a day, some days, not at all, but just, getting through it.

My ass exploded again this week.

Despite finding nothing at the start of the year when it started playing up again, my ass has decided that there really is something going on there.

It would seem the pattern now is, slow dormancy for 8 months or so, followed by rupture of puss and blood and loveliness. So. Like it always was. Just way wayyyyy slower.

I had a thoroughly wet ass for a few days. Sticky clear liquid. Tinged with blood. And a sore ass. It seems to be slowly healing itself again. So eh. For a split second I debated getting in touch with the GP. Then realised how stupid that would be in practice. So I didn't.

I'm assuming it just ups and goes away again perhaps after a period of instability.

Spoke to my nephew this week. It has been a while.

He's not in a good place again. Thoroughly hollowed out by the joyous experience that is life. His thoughts have turned way darker again, no point in life, no joy, no money, no prospects, an ex who takes all his money, a kid that demands his money. Just a daily grind of a job that has slowly turned him into an invalid.

I am not the best person to give pep talks about why life is sunny and amazing and look on the bright side.

It's not. And it isn't.

I admitted as much to him. I am not the best person here.

But I did my best.

I pointed out he wasn't alone. He had family around him. People around him. That come what may would always be there.

And that life could be hard. But. Identify the small bits where its ok. Doesn't have to be an enormous thing. A full on fanfare. Just take a moment to think. Perhaps sitting in the sun with its warmth on your face. For that moment. Right there. No one making demands of you. Nowhere to be. Nothing to have to do. Just enjoying the feeling of warmth. And for a short while. That's alright. Not too bad at all. Enjoying a cup of tea. Something to eat. Watching something on the tube. All those little moments where it's actually ok. Wow. What a nice.... cup of tea. The little things.

And also remembering that life is up and down. Some days, weeks, months, years can feel awful. The world is cold and miserable. But know that eventually the day turns, and you feel a bit better. A bit brighter, a bit happier. Anyone that has survived a "dark cycle" knows that to be true. Eventually it gets better. Do it a few times and realise that it is like clouds passing over the sun. Sometimes its miserable. Sometimes its better. Don't judge the whole experience based on those rainy days alone.

He worried about money. About no house. About being out of a job in some years time. All those oh so familiary anxieties that most of us have. And he was struggling to deal with them. Struggling and losing. I understand. It's not easy. I asked him to look back at his work life so far. Pretty much always working. It always worked out somehow. A job here. A job there. None of which he could have predicted before it happened. He had skills. He was a hard worker. Trust in the future a bit. Hard to do. Ridiculous to do perhaps. But. History showed it to be true. It's a mark of the misery controlling your outlook, when to date, all you have done is broadly survived and coped and actually done shit, but your misery wants you to see that tomorrow, you will fall flat on your face. It lies. But it's no guarantee you wont. But it underestimates the capabilities you have. To work things out. Even when everything seems hopeless.

Misery is... miserable. It loves wading into the hopeless and waiting for it to happen. Dwelling in the dark. It is its nature.

He was hopeless about his future.

Imagine this I said. Imagine pottering around with some work, just enough to keep you going. And you fill your time noodling around painting miniatures or making a few things. Sure you wont be going on fancy vacations to the med. Or hosting grand parties - he wouldn't do that even if he had the money he said. But noodling around like that was ok right ? More than ok. Content. He agreed. It would be alright.

And best case, worst case. You've considered the worst case. In 3 years or so you lose your job. You're out of work. No money. No prospects. Miserable. Consider the best case. You decide to branch out and paint some minis and sell them online. You get some money. You do more. You end up renting out a workspace. The business expands. You end up making decent money doing something you like. You buy a place. All is good.

For every worst case. There is a best case.

It's important to remember that, lest you let the misery demons just have their unadulterated way with you.

You may scoff at the best case. Impossible ! Ridiculous ! Nothing good ever happens ! But sometimes it does. And also some of those worst case scenarios can also be accused of being impossible. Ridiculous. It's just we tend to lean towards the negative rather than the positive.

Finishing off our conversation I moved it onto happier topics. Things he was doing. Happier about. A joke or two. It may sound contrived. But sometimes finishing a conversation in the right way is important. Like a 3 course dinner, starter, main and dessert. Don't finish on the deep or the miserable. Finish on something light. And sweet. And the chances are you'll walk away more content. Life is not just about the deep and crunchy and dark. It's also about the frivolous and fun and comfy. Sometimes we need a reminder of that. And some gentle nudging.

He sent me a text after the conversation. Thanked me. Said it had helped.

Being such a cheerleader is not an easy fit for me. I too am a darkness dweller. And I can see the world is very shit. But I do my best. I can try and take what I've learned - in a positive way. And show it to others. Even though really I am talking to you from beneath the swamp. But in a way it doesn't matter. Wisdom is still wisdom. No matter if the ship is afloat or at the bottom of the ocean. And sometimes a sunken wreck can be a warning to others - don't go this way. Reef ahead. Try something else.

I have little doubt that my nephew is going to struggle for a while now. I hope my words gave him something of a different mindset. But. It's hard. Life is hard. I might talk to my sister about it. See if I can talk to her about some of the problems on his mind that he doesn't talk to her about.

We talked a little about that.

About how our family is at arms length. Not close.

And where it comes from. And how shit gets passed on through the generations. He understood. And he saw it. He hadn't quite put the pieces together. But he saw it and when I talked with him about it he could put them altogether so it clicked into place. Sad. But true. But not necessarily a forgone conclusion.