Oct 30

 I've been thinking a bit about this over the last few days.

I could be off here.

I've been thinking about the whole nephew thing. About the very matter of fact no emoting reaction of my sister. About how our whole family is that kind of deal. Locked down. Clip round the back of the ear. Everyone has to suffer, you're not special. Get on with it soldier. Have you tried this solution.

Perhaps one way to classify this is a general dearth of sympathy.

I've thought about it.

My old man has no sympathy. At all. Zero. Zip. Nada. He rarely - if ever - thinks of anyone but himself. In so much as either directly about himself, or just about how others interact with him. But I have never ever seen or even seen the hint, that he thinks about others entirely, like from their perspective, how they are feeling, if they are struggling.

My mom was similar, but more complex. At times she could absolutely be that. To a tee. Perhaps even more hardcore, more smacking around the head. But there were also a few times when she did care. Not overwhelmingly. Not poor baby have a hug. Hell no. But she would acknowledge it. Sometimes. But not often.

As I've said before it is I am pretty sure, this background, this environment of which me and my siblings were exposed to that has to a lesser or greater extent shaped us.

I have, I think, escaped from that grasp. I am empathetic. Perhaps too much so - maybe an overcompensation, or maybe just an acute awareness. I care about others suffering. I don't like to see people suffer. I try to help. I am a lot of the time generous in spirit. I will be vulnerable with people and show them I care and walk with them through their hardships.

This is absolutely not what our family does.

And I realise, to some extent, I put a lid on it when I am with my family. It's complicated. But I am definitely muted with my family. You learn not to emote. You respond how you are reacted to.

And I realised it's somewhat like being put in a sensory deprivation chamber. It's all about the doing. The solidering on. The solutions. And absolutely not about what you're feeling. Are you happy. Are you sad. Those questions are never fucking asked. Ever. I do ask how people are. I tease out how people are feeling. But yeah. Interestingly. With my family it has a lid on it.

With others. It does not.

There is an odd feeling I have when I am with my family that I have never really been able to put my finger on. I feel less me. Constricted. Locked down. Put in a corner. And everything about it. Feels locked down.

Don't get me wrong here. I am not bemoaning it as a terrible thing. Horrible people. Absolutely not. I like seeing my family.

But now I think I have had a piece fit into place.

It's that whole conversation with my sister.

It has finally made everything click properly.

There is no sympathy in our family. No warmth.

Which is not to say those people don't care. But. It's locked inside them. It struggles to get out, if it's even there.

I think. Oddly. In my sister it's actually the most developed. 

When I went bonkers when I was ill, Andy was quite angry about my sisters / brother in laws reaction to it. They were dismissive. It was probably just his meds they said. And left it at that. Andy was incredulous that they didn't super give a shit.

And then. When my brother came to pick me up. And I shakily told him that life was shit. I didn't want to be here. And he said. That no one wanted to hear it. Basically. Shut up.

But it's not really about that.

It's just the general approach to everything.

Muted emotions everywhere. Don't emote. Just problem solve.

It makes for a reasonably effective family. Of doers. Which we are.

It makes for a horribly cold emotionless environment. Where there is no sympathy. Only a steely eyed stare towards the horizon.

And then I start to think of all the generation below. How they react. How have they been affected. And you absolutely can see that shit in action.

And the generation below them - the wounds healing... to some extent.

Where our family blends with other families - who have not had that dysfunctional upbringing - you can see conflicts. A strange mix of caring and not caring.

I can also see the pattern of this with my brother and his kids. And the relationships he has had. And their failures. It fits a definite pattern. And you can see how if my brother is cool, trouble emoting, it has run into some major problems with people that do emote, that cannot cope long term in a void of that. I suspect. This is what caused his first marriage to fail. Or rather. It was the seed of it. That then blossomed into infidelity and anxiety and yada. Seeking love and validation where there is little of it.

In my sisters case, her other half is pretty much a perfect fit for this. And it makes him withdraw a bit from the world and such things. Another non emoting monster.

In my brothers case, his other half is emotional. Again perhaps too much, over compensating. But there is friction there. And. I think. She also struggles with validation. She looks for it in her own kids.

Ok.

Summarising a bit here then.

My family is cold. I wish it weren't. I think that's one of the reasons I have never super been drawn to it. And yet I am drawn to others. I crave close relationships and warmth and sympathy and care. To some extent my family feels like putting a suit on and going to work. It's not that extreme. And I am myself. But. It is muted. And also. It's clear they don't know who I really am. Because. A good half of me is that warm, empathetic monster. Which is outside of their wheel house. So. They have this picture of me. As quiet. Anti social. Loner. And this whole capability of being able to be the life and soul of the place. Warm, friendly, very social. Is alien to them. For sure I can be a quiet loner. By default. But I am also very much not that as well. And no matter whether I am being quiet or not, empathising with people, being warm, absolutely is my thing. Always. Caring. Which again. Is alien to my family. Worst case examples being my parents. It makes sense why they would never get it. Question it. Think of it as being gullible. Trusting - used as a dirty word. Like you're a fool.

I also think. That I can't change my family. There is no healing to be done there. Too late. Too long. Too far. It is, what it is. The damage has already been done and set in stone.

This also makes sense why I can feel drawn to other peoples families and can feel part of their warm group. This was what I felt as a child when sometimes we would visit other families that weren't as fucked up as ours. But I definitely experience it as an adult.

It seems very clear to me now.

How cold and fucked up our family is. And it's not just our parents. The damage is wide and deep in my brother and sister. And then carried on in their kids to a lesser or greater extent.

It's also clear that I can't really talk to them about it. Perhaps my brother. He is I think wandering into the borderlands. Healing a bit. He has changed in the last few years. Perhaps I could talk to him about it a bit.

I cannot take what I have learned and what I have become and turn bad to good in our family. I cannot fix our family. I cannot thaw it. It is beyond my capabilities. For the second time in my life I am encountering a psych problem that is beyond my paygrade to sort out.

I have been channelling stuff to my sister. It's apparent. It's not good. That's never going to work. I also realise that part of my excitement and happiness with her in her learning therapy stuff was some unspoked implied thought that she would understand more. Empathise. Warm up. Which. She sort of does. But also. Horrible. Just treats it like a math problem. Which to be fair, is what a good therapist should do. Don't get involved. Treat it like an equation. So. It's not going to turn her into an empathy beast. It's not going to fix that distance. That coldness. Far from it. If anything. It's going to give a reinforced path of having solutions that are purely rational. No emotions. No empathy. Just. Do.

This is also why when I have spoken to her about just talking with my nephew. Of doing the very basics. It has been so very hard. Like I am speaking a different language. Of course ! She may have learned a thing or two in therapy. But she still doesn't know how to be vulnerable. To emote. To show affection without having to hide behind a mask or be defensive.

Should I even bring it up with her. Experience tells me that when you start poking around peoples deep dysfunctions and insecurities you get nothing but pain. Punches. Kicks. And whilst it may in the end be better for them. The path is rocky, and your own relationship with them may never be the same again. Burning bridges to get them to a better place.

Perhaps selfishly at this point in my life, I am not sure it is worth the price to me personally. I've done a lot of burning for other people. A good deed rarely goes unpunished. I feel like I've done my bit. Done my time. It's not that I've never done it. But. I feel more like resting and taking it easy these days, than sticking my head into blenders.

But all of that is quite sad. We have a family that doesn't really bond. That doesn't stick together. And is crap at emotional support and helping each other through life. Perhaps that's why so many of the nieces and nephews struggle so hardcore with their lives. All but one struggle bus.

Hmm.

Fucked up.

My parents did an epically shit job. A poisoned well.