Oct 4

 The days pass in a blur of trying to stay on the right side of upright. It's a constant battle. But I've got into something of a routine with it. Limping along. Some hours of quality time later in the evening. Sleep and garbage the rest of the time. The usual random bullshit of symptoms.

I think I am oh so super slowly, regaining a little stability. Certainly better than I was. And I have shifted my sights downwards, so that 10 minutes of a chore for a day is better than 0 minutes of a chore for a day. And I can do that before I collapse. Pacing myself. Even though. It's hilariously shit. 10 minutes. Give me a break. Useless. But not quite zero useless. A teeny tiny positive.

Of late, the very small number of people I am talking to, I seem to be doing a fair job of upsetting them.

I find I have no patience for bullshit. For the usual human failings of confusing opinion with logic, of writhing around a point rather than admit something, and obstinate inability to learn, but rather, a desire to just spread ignorance instead.

I should do better. And just. Nod. And agree. And parrot back what they want to hear.

But in a few cases it's important not to do that. Results are on the line. And they want a solution.

Or at least. They say they want a solution.

Pfft.

But I have no patience for the very human touchy feely nonsense you have to go through to even be able to communicate a solution. Zero. Nil. Nada.

There is a requirement to unstick them first from their absolute commitment and belief that the problem is unsolvable. Then a massage of ego and pride to get to the point where they can overcome that hump of understanding that they didn't get it, but you did. Before finally. You get to the brass tacks of 2 + 2 = 4. Which may take repeating and recyling back to the, It Must Be Impossible because I Can't Get It. It is exhausting. And the older and more stubborn they are, the harder it gets. It is far easier just to sit back and say, oh wow, yeah, that seems hard. Who knows ?

I have no patience to do it nicely. And I will get you to the answer. But I will cut you to the bone. No bullshit. No nonsense. It is brutal. A nicer gentler me would take much longer to get to the point, let them slowly unwind their own nonsense in a happy clappy drawn out period of time.

I find it frustrating at best. Life draining at worst.

Today it was statistics, probability and estimation. And having to face problems that weren't guaranteed, but you have to estimate for. And how you can do that sensibly. With math. And caveats. Risk assessments. Projections. Confidence levels. And That's Ok. And by the way everything in life is estimated, there are no guarantees. But we went around and around until my patience was burned out, complaining about why we couldn't have perfect information, and that it was someone elses fault there wasn't perfection information, therefore I'm not going to bother. No. You work with what you have. But it's not fairrrrr. Sigh. The immaturity in dealing with this kind of thing was readily apparent. But they didn't want to hear it. Surely. The system is flawed instead. Not me. Sigh. How. Do you think they estimate anything in life - the NHS running costs, the military, the economy. There are no guaranteed figures. The point whilst intellectually went through, was entirely lost as we started back at point zero. Why can't I have perfect information. And really. The crux of the problem : why do I have to have responsibility for something I am not 100% sure of. Anxiety. Because. That's your job. And you do your best. And you offer an expert projection. Not guaranteed. But educated. But whyyyyyyy, I don't like that. Sigh. Basically it came down to incapability to grasp basic probabilities and how to write a contract, and massive anxiety about having responsibility for something they could not guarantee. Uh huh. Welcome to the real world. Also. This is touching on some of your sore psyche points that you don't deal well with.

This is one of my burn out bits. I am burned out of having to think for everyone. I can do it. I just am sick of people expecting it.

At this point in my life I have encountered it over and over again. Always the same pattern. Always that stubborn, pouty, oh so human, refusal to learn. Adapt. Grow. And it's always easier in the young, and hard to impossible in the old. The young are open minded and ready to learn - to a certain point, after which they flip to knowing it all despite having no experience. The old carry on that knowing it all. But with added baggage of being even harder to shift.

So. Yeah. Burned out of trying to teach whilst fighting against their nature.

That being said.

I am always happy to help.

But I am not always happy to help if you're going to be an obstinate jackass about it.

I think in future. I need to change tack. Either. Shut my mouth entirely. Or try it once, and then, shut my mouth, give up and just nod.

It's a shame that it has to be like that. But the alternatives are on balance probably worse.

Or perhaps. I should fully commit to the Eastern philosophy thing that I always bring up. Which is. If a student is ready to learn. Shut the fuck up. Sit down. Listen. And really really wants to pay attention. Then we can start. Anything else. Go away. Find your zen. Or drop it. Change path. Or do whatever. But just don't bother me. Perhaps that should be my start criteria. Being taught is a privilege. Not a right.

I don't think that sounds unfair. Perhaps I am biased.

Moving on.

Today I finished a bit of code at work that has been kicking around for weeks whilst I have been endlessly distracted.

It's a lovely bit of code. And a rare moment where I am pleased with myself about it.

I have done more edgy stuff than this. I have worked on stuff that has never been done before.

I have done more technical stuff than this. Crunchy stuff that was assumed impossible.

But this is a very nice piece of optimised, mass throughput, delicately balanced functionality, that dances across all the layers, client, middleware and backend, and gives a staggering amount of data, all in half a second flat.

It is, a bit of a wonder. And perhaps unsurprisingly. The first of its kind.

Whilst there's no doubt I've ploughed a lot of technical know wots in to get it working so nicely, it has to be said that really it's a testament to how powerful computers are these days - if you know how to tickle them in the right ways. They can pull off thousands of real time calculations in the blink of an eye. Awe inspiring. But tickle them you have to. Computers and their apps are by and large not optimised for raw speed anymore, but more for breadth of functionality and easy of interface. With very good reason. Speed is often wasted on a human once you get to sub second speeds. What a human really cares about is how many different things you can do and how intuitive it is.

Pushing a computer so that it actually optimises things for speed requires doing things in a different way. A niche thing. For some applications, it's only ever about the optimised speed. Google back end search servers. Database engines. High end game engines. But these things do not make up the bulk of the computing sphere. Most things are about textboxes. And buttons. And a web form. An email. None of which require any kind of speed sophistication anymore.

Anywho.

Waffling on.

Code did good today. Speedy. Optimised. Elegant. Beautiful. And one of a kind. So far, at least. The client gets to see it tomorrow. And tinker with it.

Tomorrow should be an easy day I think.

Burned out. Ill. Exhausted.

But I can still make the machines sing.