Oct 8
Exhausted down to my bones. Needed to take Athena out today, so pulled myself into the car, headed over to Hazel's - to drop off her meds - and take a short walk around a park.
So hard. I did 50 yards then sat down on the grass in the deepening evening. Then I just laid down. Exhausted.
How are you ? Asked Hazel.
Exhausted. I said. The CFS is kicking my arse. Or whatever it is.
The usual Johnny things then she said.
Yeah. I am going to be so pissed if they tell me its MS in a few years.
Got back home, every step like a lead weight.
I have rested today. Slept a lot. And I feel exhausted. Terrible. Treacle-ified. I have eaten. I have drank. I have got fresh air. Moved a little. Nothing helps. All I can do in the face of monumental exhaustion is just sleep more. I dunno what else to do.
Found an interesting article on depression and negative belief tendency today. It takes the already well known phemenon that depressed people tend to see the worst of everything, and digs into it to get the data behind it. The whys. The wherefores. It does a great job in neatly setting out the issues, the symptoms, the causes, and why it is that way. It's good to have it so neatly defined. Clearly stating the problems and possible fixes lets you build on it. Move on. Tackle it better.
The TL;DR of it is, that there is a reinforcing loop there between holding onto negative beliefs and being sad. One reinforces the other. And it's an attempt to avoid disappointment later. The point is also made that those negative beliefs are not based in reality - they are almost always subjectively biased. Any positive experience is diminished or ignored. Any negative one is highlighted and remembered. It is the quintessential human experience. Murphys law in action. There is no such thing as Murphys Law - the buttered toast always lands face down. It's just that you remember when it does that. And forget when it doesn't. And thus Murphys Law seems to be apt. Same thing with negative and positive beliefs. It also turns out our brains are wired to do this - negative or positive. Think of something, then selectively build evidence one way or the other. If it's negative. You get into a depression spiral. Monkey brain do bad.
You can see why then something like CBT teaches you to recognise those negative belief patterns and at the very least halt them, if not break them entirely. Remember there is a best case scenario as well as a worst case one. It seems the data really backs this up. It also touches on the importance of journaling emotions - because your daily experience is remembered as worse than actually what it was. You fixate on the negative. Writing it down captures the reality.
The upshot of the advice on how to deal with is basically to keep an open mind. Be open to positive experiences. Don't dismiss them. And keep in mind the sense of the negative is inflated. Also. That withdrawing from people and the world whilst in this state also keeps you from challenging that negative narrative. In other words. You need that contact with others.
The above is something I've known for sometime. But it's great to see it set out concisely. With all the working out, if you will. This. Is a Thing.
It's something I am going to increasingly keep in mind for myself. I often tell myself - and others - that your brain lies to you. Whispers negative shit to you which isn't true. It's more than this. Your brain is geared to keep on collecting shit and putting it on the same shelf. The fact that that shelf is miserable - depression, doesn't matter. The brain thinks its doing good by adding more shit onto that shelf. It's not. Stop.
Easier said than done of course. But good to know. Stop feeding the beast.
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