Nov 15

 Hospital phoned today. Got a date for my surgery, 27th November. And the pre checkup on the 24th November.

So. That's good.

Hazel said she can't be around for that date - off to her dads to babysit their dog whilst they are away - albeit her step brother will be in the house too.

Ordinarily not a big deal. With a big support network where I live, I could ask around. But. I've let all of that decay. Hermitted up. Not talking to people. So. I don't actually have anyone else to ask. Well. There are some people, but, I don't think it would be fair to be honest.

So I think I might tell the hospital I've got no one to come pick me up. This would probably mean I would have to stay a night. However, that's not really doable either with Athena on her ownsome. So. I think I am going to finagle it somehow. Not sure how. Convince them to let me go unsupervised.

There is also of course the risk that they turn up something in the pre checkup that means I can't have the surgery. Again. In the distant past this would have been a formality. In my current state, far from it. That being said. They seem generally to be utterly shit at diagnosis or even care for what ails me, so, it's quite probable the pre checkup just blithely sails by my issues. Possibly. To be honest I am 50/50 about whether an EKG this time around is going to show something or not. I wouldn't be surprised if it did. If it does. Then no surgery. Eh. Heh.

Work.

So, Andy in passing mentioned that our senior developer had done another project in a way that we didn't want it doing. We have had this conversation. Twice. I've explained it to all. Andy just said he told him to do what he liked. And the dev promptly did what he liked. Oh says Andy. At some point you're going to have to talk to him about why we want things done the way we want them done.

At the time I just hand waved it off. Great. Something to look forward to. But in hindsight. Andy told the dude to do what he liked. The dude has then done what he likes. Both are well aware of our strategy. Neither of them decided to follow it. Or talk to me about it. And you want me to then talk about it ?

No. Don't think so. If Andy is just gonna say do whatever you want, and then be surprised when people do whatever they want. The expectation of me then going in to say, oh, you shouldn't have done what Andy said is ridiculous.

In the long term it will hurt our capability for support and costs et al. Andy is shit at this stuff. He doesn't even know the core techs anymore. And our senior developer is on the quiet a sulky fuck that will do whatever he pleases. Which to be fair, is a lot of devs. And Andy has put him in an ivory tower where he gets to do what he wants - because Andy cannot deal with upsetting people or putting down boundaries. That old chestnut.

From one point of view. The position is utterly shit. I have to fight to basically make people do the right thing for the business. In another world, this kind of thing would be untenable. And you wouldn't be far from the mark in quitting. Because. At that point. Why bother. If you're going to come up with a plan only for it to be tore up and ignored. Then why bother. Of course. This is Andys absolute MO. Where we can talk a plan for an afternoon, take one literal step outside the meeting room, and he makes a statement that completely destroys the plan. It survives all of 5 seconds in the face of anxieties.

As it stands. I am just gonna earn my money. And go on for as long as I can. I won't be saying shit. I will tell Andy he said what he said. That's been done. He's made a decision. Even if he didn't think he did. When he opened his mouth and said do what you want. There are consequences. And now you have to live with those consequences. I will not be repeating myself or trying to rein in a sulky subversive employee that is enabled by the boss saying - do what you like. Fuck that. Take responsibility for your actions. And if it burns you. All the better. Perhaps it will make the lesson easier to grasp.

I am debating telling him just to do whatever the fuck he wants. I am not taking responsibility for any strategy anymore. I will do what I do. Everyone else can do what ever they want to do. And Andy can try managing that. Fuck it. I am not marking his homework. Make a decision. Stand by it. Sucks to be an adult doesn't it.

It's amazing to me that no matter how I limit my time with work, it finds some way to be an utter fuckfest. It's such a dysfunctional fucking setup, honestly. Everything about it is wrong. And largely, it stems from Andys on the fly decision making. Something he is terrible at. And those, of course, being driven largely by a looming anxiety that has never been addressed, and as he gets older, seems to be getting worse. Which. Makes sense to be honest.

Ah well. Roll with it. Earn your paycheque. Let the consequences roll. Not my problem.

In other work-ish related news. I've released a new version of the charity software for them to look at next week. And it's looking pretty swish. Photos and documents and all sorts of good things. I've been noodling with it in my spare moments of lucidity - usually in the early hours of the morning. The one problem with it all, is it continues to give me a baseline of what sane IT development looks like, compared to the dumpster fire that is what I actually get paid for. There's no doubt it's a horrible place to work for in IT professional terms. In other ways, it's nice. Perhaps you take the good with the bad ? Heh. Mmm. At the rate we chew people out. The consensus seems to be. No.

Anywho. My mind is focused on letting it go. And just noodling with a few things. And getting paid. Donezo. At some point either my health or the situation will become untenable. But every month I work, is a very slightly easier retirement. So. Uh huh. I did my math again yesterday. Assuming I mortgage off the house. I think I've got around at least 20 years worth of money I can count on ( and a a maximal maybe 30 years of money ). If I get any kind of inheritance from the old man. You can add another 8 or so years to that. And before the minimal case 20 years is up. I get my state pension. And a tiny pittance of a private one. So. I could retire now. In somewhat ugly fashion. Anything more at this point, is just turning ugly into cream. If you looked at a brighter more optimistic set of calculations. Then. I should just retire now. And coast.

But. All of that is theoretical bullshit anyway. In actuality my expectation is to be dead somewhere soon. And once lovely Athena goes, I think my decline will speed up. If not hit a wall. But you never know. Lingering is always a possibility. But realistically, I don't really expect to see even half of my money used for myself. It will probably just be an excercise in accumulating money to give to others once I'm dead. Weird how that works out isn't it ? If you could look backwards over your life. Yeah. I strived and saved. So I could give money to... someone else.

Ok.

Heh.

No clue what life is about. And when I shuffle out. I'll still have no clue. A very bizarre and cruel trip. Still. I got to meet some cool people. And have lots of cuddles with two fluffy butts. Doesn't make it worth it. But that was nice.

Overall, the smart money is probably telling me to retire now. But. My nagging fear of getting it wrong, and or pulling the trigger keeps me from doing that. And to be honest, it's not that bad keeping on getting paid. At times it's insane. But it's 2 days a week. And I am doing my best to firewall the insanity.

Finally. A little, well, duh, bit of science for why you feel sleepy when ill. Probably. Very pertinent to why I sleep a lot now. TL;DR. Your immune system makes you feel sleepy because it's busy producing crap. Also note that "cytokine storms" were the reason that covid was so dangerous. Covid causes some real upset to cytokine reaction. And as they're noting that stuff like long covid exhaustion tracks with triggered immune systems and inflammation... it all makes sense. Long covid = sleep. Hibernation. Exhaustion. Figures.

Why do we feel sleepy when we’re sick?

From the outside, sleep seems pretty simple and straightforward. But under the hood, it’s a complicated physiological process that’s more than simply closing your eyelids. While scientists still don’t know the exact purpose of sleep, we know that it’s crucial for brain health, such as for organizing and consolidating memories. Additionally, getting an adequate nightly snooze keeps the old ticker going, regulates appetite, and safeguards your lifespan. (Weirdly enough, all-nighters may act as counterintuitive antidepressants, at least in mice.)

Sleepiness during sickness is equally not well understood. But we know when there’s a stressor — aka a gnarly bacteria or virus causing infection — our bodies mount a chemical response of which sleepiness is a byproduct, Kimberly Hutchison, a professor of neurology and a sleep medicine specialist at Oregon Health and Science University, tells Inverse.

“When our body is under stress because we’re fighting off an infection, we have inflammatory reactions going on and different inflammatory markers released that are oftentimes associated with a feeling of sleepiness,” says Hutchison.

Specifically, some of these inflammatory markers are called cytokines. These small proteins are like chemical walkie-talkies that immune cells use to communicate with each other, coordinating what needs to be done to clear the infection. Cytokines are produced not only during an infection but in any instance when there’s inflammation, like a cut or an allergic reaction.

One class of cytokines released by immune cells during infection are interleukins, which convey more specific or urgent messages, says Rajkumar Dasgupta, a pulmonary critical care sleep medicine specialist at the University of Southern California Keck School of Medicine.

“If you break down that word interleukins, it means to interact with ‘leukins’ [which are] white blood cells,” Dasgupta tells Inverse. “Some of these interleukins — there are a lot of [them] — are associated with making you sleepy.”

It’s thought interleukins influence sleep in conjunction with neurotransmitters, sleep-related genes, and our circadian rhythms. There’s some research to suggest that there may be special types of neurons, at least in roundworms, that encourage sleep under stressors like sickness. Studies in fruit flies have found a special gene, dubbed nemuri, that activates during infection to beckon sleep.

You can read the full article here - https://www.inverse.com/health/sick-cold-flu-rest-how-much-sleep-science?utm_source=pocket-newtab-en-gb