Nov 19

 Yeah, sleep is a serious problem right now. This is something that's got worse in the last several weeks, and ramped up in the last couple.

Sleeping now brings on a low end cough, and a weird sensation of liquid shifting in my lungs when I roll over. Sleeping on the right is worse than the left, both lead to sucked in eyeballs, black eyes, and a "skittering" feeling in my chest. Get bursts of dizzy and all sorts. All in all it's very bad juju and at times I wake up feeling like I'm being suffocated with bits of me having lost circulation.

Uh huh.

Very no bueno.

Perhaps it's just a phase. Perhaps it's the worsening of General Shit. Feels like I'm edging towards a finally critical piece of me hardware failing. But who knows. Lingering always an option, as ever. 

Later in the day walk with Athena today. In the dark. Like old times. She was keen to get out. She came and asked me if we could go out. Boop. Boop. Wrassle. Let's goooo. Except her let's go is fairly restrained these days. Once upon a time she would have been bouncing 3 feet into the air.

Was a nice walk. Absolutely flooded everywhere. Was enjoying being out and getting a very small amount of excercise in. Started to feel tired by the end of it. And by the time I sat in the car I felt ill. Ho hum. Got home. Felt ill. Had to sit down. Felt my eyes suck back into my head again - a suddenly super "tired" eyes feeling and general.. sucky... feeling. It passed after 15 minutes sitting down.

Uh huh.

Spoke to my nephew today. He sounded a lot more chipper. Good stuff. I think he has got back up off the absolute floor of misery again and is in a better place. Not a great one. But manageable. We chatted about PCs and 3D printing and miniatures and what was happening at Christmas.

Not entirely sure what I am doing at Christmas. If I make it that far, ho ho ho. I feel like I just want to stay where I am. Rest. Do nothing. But I know that it can be pretty miserable doing that. Depends on my mood. It tends to make the Christmas days just pass in a blur. Yet Another Day. And it feels like more than ever you are out of the loop. Fading away. On the other hand. Christmas can be a big expenditure of energy if you're busy. So. Heh. I think, probably, in a perfect world, having a cup of tea and a mince pie with someone. Or two. And not having to bust a gut preparing anything would be my ideal. The day doesn't pass in a blur. You actually get to talk to - gasp - another human being. But it's also one where you are not burning unsustainable amounts of energy.

Perhaps I have reached grandpa sitting in a chair in the corner age - way ahead of schedule.

I think Christmas can often be a time of year, where the isolation of our modern world can bite extra hard. Sure you can have your family over, or go visit them. But I think for many this can be strained. Or just a thing you do. I think those that do things they genuinely are happy with, comfortable with, and get a sense of peace doing is pretty rare. I could be wrong. But I suspect our modernity is the problem. Always with the plans. And dates. And separation. In your own boxes. Doing your own things. Clashing diaries. Busy busy busy. Easier to send a text. We have, I think, lost our sense of community. We have lost that whole clan vibe. Village dealio. Where a tight knit community comes together. That died many years ago. Replaced by supermarkets. And the internet. And adverts. And with it, a part of our soul.

I think so. I think it's hardwired in our setup to be those clannish social animals. A big group of monkeys chilling out together. Greater than just your family. Less than a crowd whos faces you can't keep track of. We have ditched those community units - one which we had for 99% of our development. And replaced them with our own isolated boxes. Which we voluntarily shut ourselves in. Like a self referring jail cell.

I would like to take a bet. The the people who are happiest, are living a closer life to a community group setup. And those who are least happy are the ones most isolated - be it on their own, or busy schedules, or lack of connection or whatever. You can, after all, live in a block of flats, with a host of other people around you. And still, in the end, be utterly alone.

Uh huh.

Contact.

So, everyone - except one - that I reached out to over the last few days has got back to me. I have done the social thing. A lot are doing good. Some are doing ok. A few are struggling. Life sketched out in a dozen different stories. All of them are nice. Lovely people.

Frodo : What are we holding on to, Sam?

Sam : That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for. 

Very good Sam Gamgee. Wise hobbit.