Nov 24

 Today was mostly a wash out. I slept. And felt like shit. And slept again.

So didn't get out. Didn't get to see Hazel. Blah.

I had an evening date arranged with a friend for 7pm, one of the people I got in touch with last week. Dragged myself out of bed for 4.30pm, felt like death warmed up. Took Athena out. Felt bad. Had to just sit down and rest when I got back. And time marched inexorably on.

Dragged myself into the shower, and barely, just barely, pulled myself together, got in the car, and pootled on over to my friends house in time for 7. Honestly. An absolutely heroic and terrible battle. Just to get in a fucking car. For 7pm.

Had a lovely dinner. Played a cool game. Felt mostly alright. Went home after a really nice evening.

My friend always makes the best dinners. Former chef. Always hits it out of the park. This evening was slow cooked beef tacos with home made salsa. Awesome.

He was genuinely happy to see me, and ended up lamenting that he wasn't as positive, welcoming and happy a person as me when responding to others.

I can see what he means. In the context we were talking about. But how wonderfully ironic. People see, what they see in you. Positive. Negative. Happy. Sad. Whatever. This is something I have riffed on here a number of times. What it means to be something. Or not be something. And how mostly it is just a thing held in the eye of the beholder.

I wonder how many people truly see who I am ? I think most people only ever see one or two sides of me. And rarely the opposite. For some I am the positive, friendly, bold leader. For others the withdrawn, negative, hermit.

I didn't say otherwise to his observation. He sees that in me. Thats ok. It's probably better he doesn't see the darker things. Doesn't need to really.

But then again. Who am I truly. As I have said before. Who has the right of it ? I tend to think I am the deity in training of misery. A dweller in the dark and seeker of all things suffering.

But clearly that's not only what I am. Other people can see different things. Who is to say I am right and they are wrong. Or vice versa.

I don't think you can ever truly pigeon hole anyone into any one thing. Depending on the situation. The time. Context. People can be different things. Heroic leader. Foolish idiot. A greater evil. A greater good. All wrapped up in one.

What is it they say about two wolves inside you. One light. One dark. Which one wins ? Whichever one you feed.

Uh huh. Good days, bad days, I think we change like the weather. And some people bring out the best in us, and others the worst. Sometimes its just about what environment you are in. Stick a flower in a gloomy basement and it will die. Stick it in the sun, with some rain, and it will thrive. A basement flower might be known for its sickly look, and ugly growth. The same flower might win a prize when in the sun.

Which is the real flower ?

As bald boy in the matrix says. Try to see, that there is no spoon. No real flower. Just context. Snapshots. Time.

And don't be fooled into thinking you have the right of it. As I said above. "I wonder how many people see truly who I am ?". Almost certainly a nonsense. Everyones judgement is subjective, and prone to being flawed. Including, and perhaps even more so, yourself about yourself. The inner misery. The inner critic can be a mind bending prejudice against yourself. But then again, so can the preening importance of the narcissist.

Perhaps. In the end. The sum of everyones view on yourself is closest to being correct, if not perhaps the deepest. And who you are. Is a wide array of things, rarely the same twice, ever shifting.

Just.

Stop.

And enjoy the breeze. Enjoy what you enjoy. Let others enjoy what they enjoy.

And do your best.

Everything else is just over thinking. There is no true final word on self.