Nov 26

 Sleeeeeeep. The very dubious prospect that it is at the moment.

A little better today. All round. Very. Little. But still. It feels like I've stepped a tiny bit enough away from quite circling the drain. I am still mainlining a crazy schedule of my asthma meds and waking up with punched eyes. But it feels a shade better. I'm probably banging half a dozen blue shots of asthma pump a day. And a few less of the brown "maintenance everyday" one. Both have an effect. The blue one especially ( which, it's supposed to ).

Maybe it will continue to get slowly better. Perhaps fixing my ass will help the overall situation. Think positive right.

In any case.

Meh.

I absolutely think I need to go back to the GPs and I dont know, lets tackle the whole black eyes iffy sleep malarkey that crops up. Perhaps a place to start would be a sleep apnea study thing. And maybe rule that in or out. I suspect I probably do have it, but, to date, I haven't really figured that It's A Big Deal.

I'm aware myself that sometimes I do wake up with a gasp for air. Which is neither here nor there. The killer observation is from a couple of exes who both reported that I stop breathing. Entirely. And one of them said it was quite scary and at points she would wake me up. She said that I would stop breathing for an awful long time, then with a burst of air breathe in. But never wake up.

Uh huh.

No idea. I have no awareness of that going on.

But that would be absolutely slam dunk sleep apnea.

I'm not sure what - if any - relevance it has to my current state. Perhaps like a lot of things with me, it maybe a bit of a straw that breaks the camels back kind of deal. Many things wrong. Each one adding a burden.

I think overall my health is shot. Tell me something I don't know. But there are times when my system kicks in a little, pulls me back a little, shoves me back over the healing line. It's a fucky fight. And surprising that it can just out of the blue turn around. It's just about impossible to predict. You end up just having to have faith that something will get better. Maybe.

Surgery tomorrow.

Not looking forward to it. Not from a dread point of view. Oh my god surgery. The thing I am super not looking forward to and fills me with low level horror is the prospect of sitting in a waiting room for hours on end. My record is the 12 hour wait sitting my ass in a waiting room at the hospital without moving once. I don't recommend it. As low end and mild as it sounds, it's a horrible experience. I suspect like water torture. A constant single drop of water dripping on your head every 30 seconds sounds pathetic. In practice. It breaks people.

NHS working or not. Functional or dysfunctional. This is always going to be one of its not great experiences. The social sausage factory treat you like a can of beans social health care experience. Get stuffed in a room. Wait an interminable wait. Then get processed. Like a can of beans. A nice experience it aint. At best it's functional. Which, you can argue, is all you need a social healthcare service to be. It's not about holding your hand. It's just about fixing you and spitting you out. Then again. You'd hope it would actually be nice as well. In a world where we have boxes of crap sent to us in fancy packaging and luxury experiences and flakes of gold in your ice cream that would could maybe do a bit better than rough and ready spit and sawdust for your health care experience. Personally. I'd take a spit and sawdust level of packaging for your crap. And a more comfortable health experience. Rather than the other way around. But I don't particularly hold this thing against the NHS. A more happy clappy experience is not super what they are about. And, I do get that. Imagine instead for instance your healthcare experience being an Apple experience.

I guess that's what private healthcare is for. And the times I have had it. This does stand out. There are no rooms full of packed people. There is no losing track of you. For hours on end. Until you wonder if they have entirely forgotten you. No crushes of cattle. The private experience makes sure you are ok. Makes sure you know where you are at all times. And doesn't leave you in a state of wondering or anxiety. Although. I don't really see that private or not should have anything to do with that experience at all. It's just what society wants out of its healthcare. We've decided - out of a really fucked up economising - that we should treat people as close to the bone as we can.

Ultimately if I had my budgetary way I think my priorities would be less about fucking consumerism. And more about looking after people. I am aware this makes me a raving communist marxist lunatic. And even worse. Tax just a few of the mega corps that don't get taxed. And use the billions you get to supply that nicer health service experience. Radical. And definitely the kind of subversive opinion that gets you put on watchlists.

Roll on tomorrow.

Andy is more than ok coming down and just waiting around for me. It's a lot to ask. Particularly as its the better part of a 2 hour drive for him. He's going to spend most of a day just waiting around on my sorry ass. He hasn't moaned about it. Or commented. Or anything. Other than he is happy to do it. And it's not a problem.

I know many that hear about my tales of work and Andy have a very negative opinion of him. They are I think just trying to protect me. And they get outraged at some of his worse aspects. I tend to defend him. There is, I say, a nice person in there too. And he does things for people when he doesn't have to. It often falls on deaf ears. I get it. But people are complicated. We all have good and bad aspects to us. Some are better some are worse. None of us are perfect, or even close to it.

And this should be borne in mind. Of all the people who could offer. Or think to offer. Or step up. It's Andy that stepped up. I have nothing against anyone for offering or not. It is what it is. But before you completely write Andy off. Consider that none of my family offered. And that someone I work with. Stepped up without complaint without prompt. 

He has done shades of this in the past too. But. We wont get into it. And we will leave it there.

I'm grateful he's going to be there.