Nov 29 Part II

 Yeah I know, the blog dates are wacky. I am awake and not awake at weird times, and, the dates are not aligning with my wakeful moments too well.

I feel rough today. But. Not the never ending state of constant malaise rough. I feel. More Normal rough. Less ughhhhhhh exhausted, wheezing, death rattling rough. And more. Jeez I am tired. And have a thumping headache. But am otherwise kind of ok.

I get it's probably hard to tease out how different that is.

The two are like chalk and cheese. This is a very very different rough to what I usually am.

One is a fundamental exhaustion everything is wrong circling the drain thing. The other is just a typical normal person rough start to a Wednesday.

Don't get me wrong here. I am farrrr from ok. And there are definitely lingering edges of deeper wrongness and bullshittery. But I am a damn sight better than where I was. Touching distance of normal people being ill.

Curious. Or not. I am still incredulous the surgery made that much difference. I expect a slump again at some point. Also don't get me wrong. I am not taking myself very seriously either when I am dismissive of my surgery and more positive about my compression socks. I know it's inherently funny that I ignore the major change - surgery - and focus on the trivial - a pair of socks. And stupid. And I can laugh at it. I still think I am possibly right though. Whilst also acknowledging how potentially stupid it is. My friend had fun pointing it out. But also said that I probably wasn't that much of a monster if I was able to laugh about it and admit it might be stupid, if not outright dismissively ungrateful. Ha ha. Sure. Still. It's possible I am right. Over the coming days I am gonna experiment with the compression socks. On. Off. Onoff. Shake it all about. It's just that I am way way more suspicious of general shit things going on circulation wise, than I am a lingering wound in my ass. But it's not easy to tease the two apart, and it could well be both at the same time. Many things wrong. Take one away, and you feel better. Doesn't mean it fixed it all. Or that both couldn't be wrong. Something else to bear in mind, is that as the CFS people say, something as simple as a lingering wound can absolutely cause CFS in and of itself. My CFS absolutely does track time wise with my lingering wound. So does the covid shit. Seeing the wood for the trees here, or there being multiples trees and woods is tricky.

The headache - I am pretty sure at this point - turns out wasn't food related after all. It has very much stuck around and is lifting the top of my head off this morning. In fact it was so bad as I went to sleep, I decided to take my socks off incase they were blowing my head out. I think I've popped something up there. Probably cough related. You know that kind of really sore pressure head you get where everytime you cough, you wince hard.

Again. It is not the usual migraine or long term bullshit malaise stuff that typically creeps through my head. This is a more normal, I've coughed too much and done some headachey thing to myself. Well. Probably. Either that or a dreaded post surgery clot. We'll assume the former. Not the latter.

Anywho, let's have a summary.

I am not exhausted on waking. I am tired. Because I'm getting fuck all sleep. But it's a normal tired. So so different from the usual.

My eyes do not feel like they're being sucked into the back of my head or have been punched.

I do not feel like I need to sleep for a bazillion hours.

It is not taking me several hours to thaw from a state of awfulness into something vaguely functional.

My breathing is better. Not good. But better. Wayyyy less need for asthma meds.

My feet are warm for a change. My hands aren't tingling.

I feel rough. Tired. Not ready for doing shit. But it's an entirely different thing to where I was.

My expectation is that it wont last. But. We will see.

I am going to potter about today. See if I can get out and take Athena for a walk, we haven't been out in a while poor girl. I also need to do groceries. But. Feels like a big stretch. Not sure I am up to it, or that it would be terribly good for me. Feels like it might be wandering into Taking The Piss territory. Feels like I should err on the side of caution. See. I have learned a little bit. Maybe.

So work.

Logged on.

Multiple message.

Aggghhh. Oooh. Heyyy. Buzz when you are on. We need to go live. Whats the plan. What do we do. We neeeeeeed livvvveee.

Uh huh.

Two words.

Fuck off.

This is a project they have been pulling their dicks on for literal months. It was supposed to be done months ago. Delay. Revise. Fuck up. Revise. Delay. Rinse and repeat. I've had to step in a couple of times to either fix it, or nudge it. But it's not my baby at all.

After all the back and forth and changes and yada over months of overun. Now suddenly. Two days after my surgery. Oh my god. You need to give us your assurance asap. Quickly. Do it now.

Ok. My dudes.

You've taken months to get here through multiple delays. Which are tickety boo.

But god forbid I take 2 days off to recover from surgery that everyone is aware was happening has happened.

I am sorry, but no, I will not be looking at it this week.

I am going to value my worth a tiny bit more than just fucking dropping everything for y'all after YOU'VE fucked around for months, and I am in post op recovery.

That shit is not cool.

My worth - of 2 days, is more than the lowest rung on your need for it all to suddenly be my urgent thing to now get done asap.

In short. It's ok for you guys to fuck around indefinitely. It's not ok for me to take 2 days of post op surgery recover.

No.

If you don't agree with that, that's fine. If you think I am unreasonable that's fine. Then I do not want to work with you. And I am out of here. No ill will. Just not willing to put up with, in my humble opinion, that level of fucking disrespect for a human beings welfare.

I would personally add if you think that behaviour is ok, you may want to take a real hard look at yourself in the mirror and wonder if you're being an asshole. Just my two cents.

Your fucking panic over 2 days after several months of dick pulling is not my need to fuck up my welfare for. And fuck you for expecting me to do that, and piling on pressure for me to do that. Have some respect. Have some fucking decorum. Take a breath. Schedule. And if necessary mitigate.

Do I really have to explain all that adult level shit ?

Perhaps I am just in a grumpy mood today.  

Is it me ? Tell me it's me.

In any case. I didn't reply at all. Because. Just having to reply and then stand your case, argue, or even just say, I will not be doing that today, is an effort and guilt trip and all that shit together.

I am not spending the energy or time giving it the benefit of a reply.

Shut it down. Turn it off. Deal with the silence how you will. This is your douchebaggery, I do not feel the need to spend energy even to deflect it. Some self reflection on your half would be good.

Again. Perhaps I am off here. I really don't think so though.