Nov 29

 Didn't work Today ( yesterday ).

Ended up not sleeping, stayed awake, so, all told, was up for something like 45 hours straight. Which, of course, the middle of which was a surgery.

Why am I like this. Always doing it the hard way.

Anywho. Today I have felt much better. I had a pleasant day. No pain. Nada. I didn't feel groggy. Or exhausted. Or ill. Just. Alright.

I can't remember the last time I felt alright.

How curious.

I told my friend I thought it might be the compression socks I was wearing still. Helping out my shitty circulation.

He pointed out I had just had surgery. And that, maybe, just maybe, getting something somewhat fixed in surgery had made me feel a whole lot better. But sure. Blame the socks instead.

Put it like that and he has a point. I just don't think the surgery would have had that effect. Maybe I wrong. But also this isn't my first surgery rodeo.

I dunno.

Today was pleasant. Which was nice. I did get a headache in the evening. But that was almost certainly my fault because I only ate a single apple all day.

Smart.

I also had a deep raspy voice all day with a tickle cough. The old intubuation throat working its way out of me.

We shall see what tomorrow holds. I am reckoning a slump back into malaise. But who knows. Maybe I will stay feeling better.

For the time being I am keeping my compression socks on. It will make a good test when I take them off and see if I change - for the worse.

Don't think I will work this week at all. Rest up from the surgery and all that. Or whatever it is I am doing in my not sleeping bit. I slept today for around six hours, before again, doing another long haul stay up. 16 hours so far. So. Uh. Lets see. In 57 hours. I have had six hours sleep.

Yes. I am awesome like that. The worlds worst self carer. I think I tend to need sensible adult supervision sitting on me to actually behave in a way beneficial to myself. An overbearing mom basically. Literally. Sitting on me.

Busy week next week. MOT. New washing machine. Work. Stuff. Nonsense. Uh huh.

Off to bed. Roll on tomorrow.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feb 29

 Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful...
Read more

May 9

 Athenas back left leg is limp. Lifeless. Just. Gone. Her right one is only vaguely there, still trying to walk a bit at times. But. No strength. Folded. We have got her up a few times today, to drink, pee, poo. She has got accustomed to being carted around in a sling, her front legs still working. She still looks up. Wants to know what you're eating. She is, as she ever has been, still Athena. Still interested. Still awake. And tomorrow at 11am I take her to put her to sleep. Her legs are gone. Not just an overdid it. They are gone. I do not know or understand how they suddenly went from fine to not fine in 15 minutes. But it has happened. And they show no signs of reversing. Today I made the stupidly hard and fucked up and awful decision to put her to sleep tomorrow. I have crucified myself over it. Today ? Tomorrow ? Monday ? Next week ? Tomorrow. There is no hope. She will not recover. And I will have to snuff out her good life, her beautiful soul, full of curiousity and confid...
Read more

Nov 6

 Wake up at 8.20AM with the sound of next door replacing their bathroom. I cannot begin to describe how deathly awful I feel. Shit scraped from the bottom of the barrel. I check the laptop. Set it up for work. And then collapse back to sleep. I worked for some hours last night. I felt a little better, so, I worked. Midday. Awake again. I come out of a horrible horrible place. Everything aches. My eyes are sealed shut with gunk. A wincing pain somewhere around my stomach like a squeeze accompanies my waking. I often get this now. I feel utterly terrible. I have run out of options and coping strategies. So Trump wins with a fairly convincing win. What's the message ? America really hates women presidents ? If nothing else it's clear a large part of the US is fine with all that Trump represents. It was always going to be this way, if not now then soon. The rump of the US is morally bankrupt, happy to occupy a devoid of principles space, large on religious bigotry and hate. The US ...
Read more