Dec 11

 Still alive.

Mostly asleep. Sleep is diabolical. I'm permanently groggy / woozy at this point. If you were a worried person, there are worrying details. Left arm keeps going cold. Blips in my chest.

Eh meh.

Spoke to my nephew a little today, he's been trying to get through for days. He was alarmed at my state. Sure. But. It's alright. Is what it is. We talked a bit about his new computer. He reckons he's going to build a new one bit by bit - he's just bought himself a "new" one. Now he seems somewhat keen on building another one, piece by piece.

Other than that.

Nothing to report. Athena is frail. She has often stopped hopping out the back door flap and pees on the kitchen floor next to the door. I've cleaned it up a few times. And got into a routine when I am awake of opening the back door and nudging her out there. She has a shot tomorrow. So perhaps her shot has worn off early this month. Maybe.

Part of me is highly concerned about my state. I seem to have - finally - reached some awful kind of tipping point. I am, as ever, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and something terribly final to happen. I don't mind. I just mind the lingering and the potential pain in between. I am also aware it is very sad and a huge waste. But eh.

Oh. I spoke to my brother the other day. Listened to how he was doing. He's had a small op lately to remove a couple of bits of cancerous skin. And then been quizzed about his general health, blood pressure et al. The docs seems to be fussing about not much imho. A high, but, not exactly 140bp mark. He asked about me. I related how bad I was doing. He was sorry to hear that. Hoped I had been getting better. That was that. Heh.

From my point of view. In the end. You're on your own with shit. Deal with it. Don't deal with it. If you don't deal with it, you'll maybe get a sad post death note from someone. Life will go on. It seems cold to me. And something I don't entirely get. I always try to be there for people. Or have done. Eh well. Whatever. It is pointless debating it, or thinking about it. The world is as it is.

As ever. Think optimistic. Maybe I slowly get better from whatever fresh-hell this currently is. It feels rather like something critical has tipped over however. Stepped up. Very bad. Hovering over the red button of doom.

In the meantime. I sleep the awful sleep of the ill. And if I'm lucky in a day, have a few hours of somewhat lucidity to do shit like this, and write a blog. Or play a game.

If the world and life were different there would be no doubt a different outcome. This is also probably why single people die a lot sooner than couples. No one there to nag them into doing something / physically picking them up and carting them around to things that need to get done, and shouting at people when they dont.

Works do this week. I have already forewarned Andy I am very ill and theres a chance I wont attend. Chance being - highly probable. We shall see. If I do go. Andy has got it in his head again to take "nice" pictures of everyone. He likes doing this once in a while to stick on the company page. I suspect it's probably inspired by me turning dressed up to the nines last year, whilst everyone else was less so, and it got commented on a lot. This year, I could do with the opposite. But eh. Somehow. I doubt I will go.

I really need to pull myself together and put a bunch of info together for the charity people. So they have access to all the source code and everything for their stuff. So that if I do indeed pop. They at least have it to work with. Don't want to see that work wasted, that would be a shame.

Be brave Johnny. Head up. Keep going. You'll know when you can't keep going because you'll be on the floor. Until then. Be brave. Keep going. I know it can be scary. I know it can be lonely. Be brave.