Dec 12

 Yesterday was a tiny bit better. Didn't sleep much, which, ironically is a good thing. Also a bad thing. As a result one bunch of problems get a bit better, whilst one bunch of problems get a bit worse. Got up nicely in time for Athenas vet appointment. No rush. Took it slow and easy. And off we pootled.

Noted to the vet that Athena had been struggling more. As a result our next appointment will be with a vet proper instead of the nurse checkover. Afterwards we went for a gentle walk around Piling Park as we did last month. Because that was quite nice. It also meant that I had to rouse myself one less time to take Athena out. Athena perked up a little as we walked about. She stumbles and trips somewhat regularly now, but, at one point she broke out into a bit of a gentle run.

At home, I mopped the kitchen floor again - this absolutely exhausted me. I can't do shit. Very worrying.

And then I slept for four hours or so, went down deep, groggy, foggy. Woke up in no fit state. Turned over. Back into the deeps.

Monday is our regular gaming night. 7.30pm. I set an alarm without ever intending to use it at 7pm. 7pm hit, I flickered out of the deep. Horrible. I couldn't maintain it. I slumped. In a moment it was 7.20pm. I had spent 20 minutes just trying to wake up.

I got online. And slowly over the next hour warmed up. And then had a fuzzy headache settle in.

This time my sleep was not marred by the weird heart blips. The "backing up" of shit. And the proceeding tiny blips of panic that wake you up. Before you roll over, wait 20 minutes and it starts again. Today, that has been missing. Settled. But I was not without the sudden zing of pain on surprise or waking right across my chest. Mmm.

Ho hum.

I am not afraid of dying. And yet. I find myself at times afraid and alone. That's the bare metal of it. At my worst in the dark, half asleep, I am scared of what the next 5 minutes will bring, I know there is no help to be had, and I just have to sit and sweat it out, wondering if I will make it til morning. The anxiety monster in me loves it. Pure mayhem. It's a bad place.

After gaming today, my friend immediately pointedly asked, so, not good lately ?

No. Very bad. Scared. Alone. But not afraid of dying.

He said I needed someone to sort me out. He had some time off. He would come stay with me. He would arrange docs. But. I needed to get movement on health issues.

So. Eh. Today. I will see if I can arrange a private GP appointment. And start with the sleep thing. Rule apnea in or out. Get that ball moving. And. If the GP is open to it. I will give him the full situation and history. The full mess. And see what he has to say. It will cost a fortune. But as my friend said. Your money will be no use to you if you're dead. So.

Today I have promised to ping my friend when I am up and about. He's going to check on me getting the GP done. To be honest this is also somewhat in his wheelhouse. He's used to dealing with people who are anything from entire disasters, to those that need help. So. I guess I fall in there somewhere at this point.

I have told Andy I wont be coming down for the Christmas dinner today. Which is a shame. And I think would have cheered me up. But. I have erred on the side of caution. I am in a frail condition. And I shouldn't be taking the piss. I don't know. What difference does it make. Is is too late anyway. I dunno. In many ways I can't think straight.

More than one person has pointed out that I maybe under strain post surgery, so, things might be more difficult. Maybe. I dunno. My ass has been a disaster of late it has to be said. But I dunno. If so. Then I am hard pressed to judge when someone is working against me or not. I can't tell.

Ho hum. We shall see. Start the private GP ball rolling today. I guess today is the start of detaching from the NHS and finally going down the private route.