Dec 13

 Yesterday I was up early. "Up". I dozed for a bit then just decided to wake up and stay up.

I pinged my friend at a sensible time that I was up.

He hovered fussing over me in discord for the next hour. Chatting. Making me laugh. I know what he was doing. Keeping my spirits up. I appreciated it. Just one of the many shittier aspects of me. I see you coming. I know what you're doing. I see the meta spinning out overhead. It's that whole, seeing the dude behind the curtain pretending to be Oz. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate it. So much. I love people for doing stuff and giving a shit. If anything, it is the clockwork analyser in me that always skates on the fabric of the matrix, rather than smelling the actual goddamn flower that makes me harder to reach at times. If that makes sense. It's complicated. I don't like that I can do it. That it's involuntary. Shitty fucking super hyped up analyser and breaker down into its underlying parts. Trained over 40 years of computers. And people. It changes you. Ho hum.

I booked a GP. Next Monday. 6pm ish.30 minutes to talk to a GP about... sleep issues.

The rest of the day I pottered about here and there with work. The release finally went live, problems flared up, things entirely untested, problematic bits. I helped advise and nail a few things down. The stress wasn't on me. The stress was on everyone else. A good thing.

Andy said I shouldn't push it. Be around for when I could be around, but otherwise, screw it, let them hang if necessary. He said he was more interested in seeing me get a GP.

Which is nice.

He seems worried.

My friend seems worried.

My nephew seems worried.

I think I might be in a worrying place. More so even than usual.

I think that's fair. I think the worry is justified.

After most of a day of work, I was too tired, and slumped into sleep around 4pm. And slept all the way around until midnight. And for once. I didn't feel absolutely terrible. I felt shit. But not deaths door shit. I seemed to have had not a god awful sleep for once.

I pottered around doing some stuff on the computer. Tidied downstairs for 5 minutes. I am getting into a routine where I try and do something positive in the house each day. Even if its just for 5 minutes before I flop. I am not really living in the house at the moment. Of course I am here. In it. But I am not living in it per se. Not using stuff. Not going into rooms. Not cooking. Not doing anything. I am a ghost in my own house. But. This means. I do a little tidying. It stays tidied. Because there is no one there to mess it up.

I counselled myself to take it easy. Go slow. I am way further down the spiral than it sometimes feels, and only after a while does it kick in and bite me hard. Be gentle. So I did that. Gentle.

Late in the morning, gone 4am, I went back to sleep. This time it was nastier. Much nastier.

My left side flared into tingles and weirdness. Just like 2 years ago. Left side of my face crawled. That tickly gross feeling stone at the bottom of my lungs kicked continually. Cough. Cough. Tinnitus which has been very active of late, squealing away. And none of this was because of apnea. I was dozing. Breathing. And all this chaos was not apnea related.

I am struggling to stay on top of shit. In the small hours my mood plummeted. What was the point of going to the GP. There was so much goddamn wrong with me. I regretted booking the GP. I am too far gone. Problem stacked on problem. And no way to tackle them. No help. No insight. Just suffering.

I realised that my health issues had beaten me. The physical problems giving me a constant reminder that I Am Far From OK. What's the point. Just waiting to die. It's hard to spin a positive mindset on it when you're being plagued by something physical horrible. There is no escaping from it. No la la land of pep talk.

So. Yes. I am struggling to stay on top of the pile. It is beginning to suck me under. At times does suck me under, and I am lost to despair and anxiety and sadness and shit. Which makes everything kick in that bit harder. Being cold in a warm room is one thing. Being cold out in a blizzard is another. The blizzard makes it worse. You're cold either way. But one is definitely worse.

Ho hum.

I am up early today. "Up". Have dozed and then decided to get up. Same as yesterday. And as my body has lurched into being more awake and useful, all the issues subside slightly. My mind calms down. I clambed back on top of that shit pile. I am, for a brief while, mostly back in control of the lashed together raft. The tiredness kicks in. I waver.

I repeated my mantra. Be brave. Hold your head up. Keep doing shit in spite of what's going on. Let it drop away behind you. Leave all that shit over there, by the door. And for a while. Do what you can. Sometimes this works. Sometimes it wilts in the face of shit and I am left with nothing but anxiety and misery. I am trying.

In the cold light of day I can't shrug a feeling of regret and pointlessness about the GP. The monsters beneath claw at me to bring me down from the top spot of the shit pile. Come back down. Into the nightmares. Scream. Suffer. You aren't in control. Think of all the terrible things that it could be, and are to come. Without realising it, minute to minute, I find myself already hip deep in the mire. Oh no. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok. Think. Favourite things.

Yikes.

I am mulling over what to do in the coming days. I am not sure. I don't really want to travel far with a frail Athena. On the other hand. My sister has given me an invite for Xmas. And so has Andy. Andy would be the far farrr quieter one. Same distance. They all, bizarrely, live in the same place. Part of me knows I could absolutely positively do with the company. Because the night is dark and full of terrors. Part of me sees that such a distance is difficult to pull off at the moment. I am worried - probably over so - about Athena. I think, being sensible - not easy at the moment - we could stop half way. And take a break from the car. Let Athena stretch her legs. And that would make the journey so much better for her. And not that big of a deal really to slot in a 10 minute break. Nice even. To stop and have a cup of tea. And let Athena have a snuffle. See. Frame it like that Johnny. And it seems more doable. But then. Athena doesn't super like the other end. My brothers pups. She is subdued.

Eh well.

I don't know.

I have time to think about it yet.

I texted briefly with my sister. Told her I was getting a private GP. Also that I was struggling. She said I was not alone. If nothing else I could come sleep on her floor - no room, but was welcome.

I said I had spoken to my nephew, her son. And he seemed to be a in a better place. She revealed that she had spoken to him. Said he was valued. They would help him with a depost if he wanted to move. That he was welcome to stay. She said she thought that it made him feel wanted and loved.

Amazing. I said she had done a good job. And I was somewhat surprised. I didn't think she'd be able to reach out. But she did. She had listened to me. And been gentle with my nephew. Good on her. And I think the situation is better. My nephew happier.

So, something a little positive in the end.

Sometimes all it takes is an acknowledgement. Hey. I care for you. I am here for you.

It's so easy to get lost in the dark. I think we all do so much better with a kind hand sometimes, particularly when it gets the darkest. Hey. I'm here. Let's watch a stupid movie.

Ho hum.

Fuck this bullshit ride of life. Why is it so goddamn fucking hard. Why am I having to muster every single ounce of strength, wisdom, essence, just to barely stop drowning for the next 5 minutes.

Sigh.

I think I need company.

My friend was keen that I should not be alone in the coming days. Someone. Anyone. Should come stay with me.

I see what you're doing.

You think I'm in that space huh ?

Yeah.

Me too.