Dec 14

 3.28AM

I am bouncing between tired awake and tired trying to sleep. I feel super weak. And spacey. And weird. This, in all fairness, is probably at least half my own fault.

I've not eaten.

Yes. I know. I am a dumbass. But somehow. It makes sense to me. Seems alright. Ok. Acceptable. No problem.

Today I have been surprisingly work productive. Problems at work with the release continue. More advice. More fixes. And outright taken control of one of the gnarlier issues - just, give it to me. Plus estimates. Plus my own work. So. Busy day. Up early. Worky work.

Took Athena out for a mid afternoon walk in the midst of the work. We had a gentle walk around the heath, cold, grey, damp, your prototypical December day. It was ok. I didn't start wiping until the end, albeit I felt it all the way round. Tired. Slow. Frail. Athena has perked up a little since her latest shot. Not fully up. But a bit better. All day today she has bugged me. What do. Pay attention to me. So she's had her fair share of scritches and hugs. Honestly a prolonged stretch and a scritch tires me out. That's how shit I am.

Finished work up approaching 6pm. Buzzy. Super tired. Up for 12 hours at that point on the back of 3 hours of sleep.

I rolled over and slept. And woke late evening with a mild migraine. Weak. Woozy. Got up, took some tablets, went back to sleep.

And then have bounced in and out fidgeting since midnight. I am weak and off. Feel ill. I had brunch at 10.30 am, a roll, a wrap, a muffin. And then have failed to eat, and here we are 17 hours later. I don't always do a good job of looking after myself. Eating can be an afterthought sometimes. If its bad, so can drinking. I don't feel hungry. Just ill. And weak. I'm not sure not eating has any effect anyway. That being said. When I'm like this. I often feel better after eating. Which. Is possibly the most obvious stupid statement in the world. But to me. It seems dubious.

There's a bit of a hilarious spiral I can get into not eating. Where you become too tired / low energy to eat. Which means you can't get anything to eat. Which means you become even more tired. Which means you're even less capable of getting something to eat. And round it goes. It's funny. And stupid. And this is the way I sometimes like to run my body. On a redline. Where you can really feel the effects of stuffing a roll in your face or not. It's that critical.

I am still dubious about the link. I know that sometimes if I just sleep, miraculously I will regain some energy again. The need for food ? Pfft. Tenuous. Surely, I can just live off my stored ample blubber.

It has to be said that in the past this has raised the eyebrows of both nurses and ambulance crew. Surely. They muse. Your blood sugar will be very low. Comments like. That's a long time between eating and. I couldn't do that. Start to hint at the fact that maybe, what I consider normal eating wise, isn't so normal.

I dunno. I haven't done the old school typical 3 meals a day thing since I was a kid. I tend to think the old school idea of 3 meals a day is bullshit. Too much food. Perhaps I am very mistaken about that. So you get to 2 meals a day as a standard. And then that becomes a luxury. So then maybe, 1.5 meals a day - your main meal, and small snacks around it. And then 1 meal a day, no snacks, because, eh, who has the time, and also, no snacks left. And then, well, 0.5 meals a day, because thats almost the same as 1 meal a day. And then, pfft, what does it matter if its 0 meals a day.

Easy come. Easy go. Death by a thousand cuts.

And I am fat enough to feed a family of five for six months.

Rather ironically I am aware I think I can lapse into having problems eating. This manifested itself most clearly when I first got seriously ill and found that trying to change my eating habits from basically eating nothing was hard. Sticky. I didn't want to eat. There was an inclination not to eat. A real drag. Fascinating. How To Induce An Eating Disorder.

Say what you like about me getting ill 3 years ago, but its certainly been a ( shitty ) voyage of discovery and new ( awful ) experiences. The scientist part of me is fascinated.

I should eat.

I don't really have anything to eat in the house. And I don't feel hungry. And I don't feel strong enough. And eating just seems so... weird.

As if I don't have enough bullshit going on with my health, I am also up to this kind of bullshit.

Honestly.

Such a disaster.

In some fundamental ways I am a child. Personally. I half blame the shadowy possible might be ADHD that lurks around my character. Consider me like a weird, freaky, neuro divergent, idiot.

A lot of things make sense when you think of it like that.

Ohhhhhhh. Is that why he's good at computers and sucks at, say, eating.

Maybe.

Seriously though, I am pretty fucking ill. And really. I could do with not fucking around with my eating. I am being an idiot. Time and everything seems to slip through my fingers however. And work today has taken up all my energy. It is what pays the bills.

On a nicer side of things, today I have received some more Christmas invites for dinner. Which is lovely. And wonderful. I am humbled that people invite me to their family dinners. Such a lovely thing to do I think. And it makes me feel better. The world a bit warmer. This is the way the world should be. Happier. Warmer. More inclusive. Less divisive. Anywho. I am always slightly taken aback when I get offers. Me ? Really ? Why would you do that ? I'm kinda shit. And broken. So yeah. Honestly. Humbled that I get the offer. For me personally. It also matches up in my head with some wonderful ideal of what Christmas should be as well. Like something out of an old school film. Yeah. That's what I was always shown Christmas was like.

It's nice. The world can be nice and people can be lovely.