Dec 15

 Everything has come down a notch. Eased off slightly.

It no longer feels like I am on the edge of spiky imminent demise.

A peace and calm settles over me. But it is not all peace and rainbows. How deep I dive into sleep and not coming back out of it has increased. Everything has been dialed down. That includes how awake and alive I am.

Today I have slept 15 hours straight. I am slow. And it feels like I am on the deck of a slow rolling ship, pitching one way, then the other. I have to concentrate not to stagger. My eyes are laggy. Each movement feels like it is half a second too slow. Everything is weak. My arms feels heavy. My legs don't want to move. A strange weight sits on my chest, a pressure. And my legs are slow to respond, heavy, asleep. Everything slows down. At the 12 hour of sleep mark I woke up. In that treacle. Asked Alexa what time it was. Midnight. Everything felt wrong. Bad. But. No horror. It was easy to just sigh and slip quickly back into oblivion. Too easy. Another 5 hours passed.

It is not... terrible. There are no immediate warning klaxons going off. It is like being smothered in the deepest of duvets that you can't find a way out of. There is an awareness that this really isn't right. And that your right side being dead, a hiss of static, the fact that everything feels so heavy and tired, and that you feel ready to immediately go back to sleep is very wrong. But it's a rationalising sense of wrong. Not that sub conscious nervous system spike of alarm. And so. You can kinda let it drift away.

If there is an end, then this, potentially, is a kinder way. Lower and lower. Quieter and quieter. Wrapped in a warm fog of cotton wool. Until the flame glimmers to nothing. And everything stops. No drama. No pain. Just a turning down of the volume before the click of the off switch. I kinda doubt it's going to stay this way though.

Scrounged up the energy and leftovers to make something to eat in the ninja yesterday. That thing is honestly keeping me in food on some of my worst days. It rocks. Some rice, mixed veg, stock, a few seasonings, and a couple of neglected frozen sausages gave me a slow cooked rice dish that kept me fed for the day. If I can manage it. I super duper need to go out and get groceries. I got squat. The fact I can do something with a can of tomatoes, frozen veg, and either rice or pasta in the worst case pinch is a bit of a godsend. Of course. I still need some level of baseline energy even to do that. But. It helps a lot that I can do that. From a tech point of view. I know you could do even better than what the ninja does. I think it would help a lot of people who struggle to cook, health issues, whatever. Just making the thing smarter - more programmable - would make it even better. Not necessarily for the average struggling joe. But able to download recipes and cooking timers to it, that others could make. Stick in a sensor or two. And I think it would be a level again above anything.

One of my friends is going through a difficult situation. Their last surviving parent has been handed a terminal cancer diagnosis. And it's getting treated. But it's hard. And. To my estimation, as you'd expect it's tough on all concerned. The drama and fall out. The accusations. The emotions. All run high. My friend is blindsided by them. Hurt. Reeling. Doubting themselves about everything they thought true in the past.

For me, quietly, I see the inexperience in that situation. The realities of such awful things are that it's not only a horror for the person suffering. But everyone else around them is also affected. The burden and pain spreads far beyond the original person. Sometimes it's not like this. Sometimes its more peaceful. Easier. But often it's not. Holding someones hand whilst they descend to hell is no trivial thing. There are prices to be paid. Difficult. Scarring. Life changing.

It is difficult to know what to tell someone in that situation. Other than to say that those things will bring out all the horrors. And that ultimately, the best you can do, is be there, be supportive, and know that it's not really the people, it's not really personal, even though, it can be the most personal thing ever. It is the crisis itself spinning all this chaos out. All the pain. It splashes over everyone. People react. Lash out. Are not their best selves. It is hard. But remember the base line. You care for that person. They are in pain with no way out. Be kind. Even when you are yourself being kicked to death.

Super hard. One of the hardest things in life in my humble opinion. And one you are not guaranteed to succeed at. You may fall along the way. Too much. Too hard. Crushing.

This is life. It can be unfair. Brutal. Uncaring. There is I think a lesson there in knowing when not to take it personally. Being the better person. Being strong. And enduring the withering of the world. Stand. Be kind. No one ever said it would be easy. Do your best.

There are other paths to take of course. You can turn away. Avoid the pain. Abandon the ungrateful behind you. And seek out your own peace. You don't have to deal with anyone elses shit.

It's a choice.

But in my head there is always that echo. What would you like someone else to do for you ? Treat others as you yourself would want to be treated.

But that too is a choice. There are others.

Who are you ? And who do you aspire to be ?

As well as that, my friend is dealing with work woes. Seemingly committed to changing careers. Into IT of all things. They have had enough of not being appreciated. Of putting up with stupid decisions. And bureaucracy. They are very well paid, but believe IT will be even better paid.

They know my background and experience. They have not asked my opinion. I am not at this time inclined to give it. But again. What do you say ?

IF you think any of those issues will be solved by moving to IT think again ? You don't get into IT because you want to be appreciated and away from stupid decisions and frustration situations. That shit is quintessential IT. If you're talking about IT as an interest, you get into it because you like the tech. The computers. The systems. Whatever it is. My friend has little to no interest in this. They just think IT will be a smoother ride.

Oh dear.

This is one of their flaws. Clever enough, and arrogant enough, to think they know. Even when they wander into an arena that is not theirs at all. They know best.

Ok.

Time and experience are going to then be your lessons. And your path is always going to be rougher.

And that in itself will be another lesson. One that probably takes many years if not decades to sink in.

Part of lifes lessons to me is in that not being able to change peoples mistakes no matter what. Even as they make them. You can't tell people sometimes. They have to experience the hand in the flame to understand. Otherwise. They wont listen. And trying harder to do that just has the opposite outcome. You have to sit there. And watch it happen. Knowing the outcome already.

You end up seeing the same mistakes get made over and over. The younger they are. The more repeats you see as they move forwards in life. The arrogance. The assumptions.

People as it turns out, are people. And on the whole. We do a shit line of learning from what has gone before.

It's a difficult lesson. One I still struggle with. Shutting up. It's hard to be that cold. Watching someone drive off a cliff and keeping your mouth shut as they hurtle towards the edge. If you shout at them, they will just drive faster. Cajole them, they will wave you away. Gently try to educate. It doesn't matter the approach. Sometimes people need to just run smack over that cliff.

Ho hum.

We're collectively so stupid. It's painful.

All of us do it at sometimes or another. Some of us more. Some of us less. I like to think I am less like it. But I can be a stubborn ass too, stuck in a rut. Sometimes I even know there's a cliff there, but I drive off it anyway. Marvellous.

We can do our best I guess. Despite the odds being pitiful. Our experience falling on deaf ears. Try. Don't force. Do your best. Life is messy and rarely ends up sewn up nicely.

Attempting to control the chaos is... chaotic.

Life.