Dec 17

Tired. But doing a smidge better. Sleep is still a major downturn in wellbeing. Docs tomorrow.

Coincidence or not - my ass has also stopped being an awful mess of gloop and seems to have for the moment knitted together.

I do wonder how tightly tied together my general well being and Other Bullshit is to that most obvious of open wounds. There definitely seems to be a very obvious connection in state between the two. Of course whether its correlation or causation I have no clue.

Yesterday I found the energy to make a chicken stew. And gasp. Also make mashed potatoes. No mean feat for my sorry lack of energy ass.

I am frail and fucked up, but, doing a tiny bit better than I have been. Everythings still there shit wise, just dialled back a little. And things shift in the sands. My symptoms do a slow pattern movement, from one thing to the next, but never right.

Eh well.

Hazel pinged me yesterday, a message I didn't get until hours later, I was - of course - asleep.

She has had a "massive argument" with her dad and step mom. She has left and gone to stay with a friend on that side of the country. Would it be ok if I looked after Poppy for a month when she went to the US.

Oof.

That's ok I said. Because. You do what you can.

After thinking about it some I realised how precarious a state I was in, pondering some days if I was going to make it. And here I am guaranteeing looking after a doggo for a month. Ho hum. I guess I need to make sure I don't cark it for a month.

Hazel didn't go much into what happened other than to say, people "didn't take account of her plans in favour of pointless shit". I dunno what that means. She's not doing anything down at her dads - they are pretty isolated out there. I would make a very educated guess that perhaps they wanted to go out, but Hazel wanted to stay and play games online. But I don't know.

She did describe some of the ending. Her stuff was thrown at the door and she was told to get out. And take "her fucking dog with her". She was called a liar multiple times. Her dad called her a shit person. But didn't want her to go. A lot of shit came out about the past. Which would only have come out because Hazel dragged it out, likely as a weapon. There's no other way it would have come up.

I am 99% sure this was a borderline personality disorder melt down on Hazel's side. She had reported a few days ago that she was continually angry. And then today, things have kicked off. And as is the way with her, she has reached for every knife available to her, and starting cutting everyone around her ( albeit this time only verbally ).

Hazel does not do de-escalation. At her best she can absorb shit and just be ok with it. At her worst - when her bpd demons are in full swing, she becomes a monster.

It sounds like I am blaming her for the situation. Victim blaming. I am not. I don't know what happened. She could well be justified in her responses ( although given the past muck raking, that starts to become highly dubious ). But a lot of it sounds exactly like one of her meltdowns which I am very familiar with. This will also be the first time her dad has experienced it first hand. I don't even think he really knows her diagnosis, or the implications. But here is the brutal in your face raw reality of how that works in practice. It's pretty devastating.

Stepping back from it, and looking at it from orbit, in my estimation such an event was overdue. Hazel has spent a few months in the company of her dad over the last few years, most of which has been in large chunks of time. It's my experience that the longer sustained amount of time you spend with her, the more chance there is of you seeing a bpd meltdown first hand. Until now, I believe she's either controlled it, or has been lucky. Yesterday her luck ran out.

It would also seem from what she's saying that her recollection of events differs from her dads - about the past. This is tricky. According to Hazel her dad used to be an alcoholic. Something that yesterday he flat out denied. The reason this is tricky is because I am sure that her dad doesn't have perfect memory of the past. And what Hazel says has a lot of ring of truth about it. But. Here's the killer. I know for sure that Hazel doesn't have perfect memory of the past. I have seen her first hand invent memories and rewrite the narrative of past events. So much so. It made me go research borderline and memory to see if there was a connection there, and whether it had been reported that those with borderline could suffer from false memories. As it turns out. Yes. It can happen. It has been reported those with borderline have fake memories, and this can be a major problem in their fiery relationships with everyone else - because what they remember is a fantasy, often coloured to favour themselves and denigrate everyone else, with grudges and perceived sleights littered everywhere making it impossible for even an understanding person to deal with them.

I've seen Hazel do it multiple times. And in the least of these cases, it's about trivial things. Telling me facts about one of my Uncles that has absolutely no basis in reality whatsoever. But. She was convinced. No dude. That's not true. There are many examples of this. I have found you can talk to her about the less prickly ones. And, last time we talked, there was an inkling there on her behalf, of wait a minute. What I remember isn't true ? The problem comes to when you talk about more emotional things. Things that matter. Then she will dig her heels in. Defensive.

Difficult.

How do you deal with someone who can invent a backstory to fit whatever narrative they have ?

In my opinion, I am fairly sure she doesn't do this just to manipulate. Get an easier life. Win arguments. I genuinely think she can't filter fact from fiction. Reality from the imagined. I think she truly thinks her memories are what happened. But somewhere in there, it's gone wrong. Her memories are manufactured. Stories she has told herself. To be honest. This is a lot of her mental defence mechanism. Hardcore rewriting and retelling of the narrative to remove any sense of blame or responsibility from herself, and put it on everyone else. At it's worst, it's always being the victim. I think there is substantial overlap here from what her memories tell her and how she can twist events to suit herself. She is accustomed to living in a half fantasy world, but, even to her, she loses grip on reality and cannot tell when she has "lied to herself" about stuff.

Difficult.

Hazel is someone who has very clearly in the past exceeded my capabilities to help. Above my pay grade. I am not sure to be honest, that she is anyones pay grade. And certainly, if you judge the patchy mental support and therapy she's received via the NHS over the years, they haven't even scratched the surface of who she is and are a damn sight less informed than I am. Then again. I've spent a lot of time with her.

So it would seem, like all borderline personalities are doomed to do, Hazel has burned through another relationship. Definitely her step mom. And very likely her dad. Although he seems keen to help her, but obviously not beyond calling her a liar. And a shit person. Which. When the monster is out. She is. But this is the difficult bit. How much is her. How much is the demon on her back. Can you in fact split the two at all. How much leeway do you give the mentally dysfunctional. That we do in society is a given - we make a lot of accomodations for autism and other problems.

This to me starts to boil down to the very poor pigeon holing we have in psychology and worst still in society itself.

I believe these things are not switches. On. Off. You're either autistic or you're not. You're either ADHD or you're not. You're either a borderline personality or you're not.

To me. All of these various attributes. Are scales. Everyone has this shit to a lesser or greater degree. Where you are on that intensity spectrum will inform whether you reach a tipping point and get an official label, or don't quite reach it, and don't get a label. And yet. I think two people can be very alike in many ways, but one is a step away from another and gets that official designation, and another doesn't.

Consider it like meeting a 6 foot tall requirement. The person who is 5'11" fails to get it. The person who is 1" taller gets it. But the actual difference between them is negligible. The fault is the arbitrary bullshit line that has been decided to be at 6 feet.

We do this all the time. We set up arbitrary lines, counts, categorisations. Because it helps us understand things quickly. Pigeon holing. Classify. Move on. Easy. Looks good on a spread sheet.

Except so much of the world doesn't work like this. We're trying to classify into neat little boxes what something is that is actually an analogue wave. How do you capture the smooth rise and fall of a wave in a series of boxes ? You can't. The analogy of digital to analogue is apt here. Turning something with an infinite set of grades - analogue - into a fixed set of finite steps - digital. In computer terms, the approximate answer is just to make more boxes. Make so many boxes that you as a human, can't tell the difference between the stepped digital boxes, and the original analogue smooth curve.

But for things like psychology. Or medicine. Or intelligence. Or anything. We don't have that. We tend to have a few boxes. Are you this. Yes or No ? At the very best we might have something that says, on a scale of 1 to 5, where are you ( in fact some psych assessments do just this ). But even that is a shittily crude measurement, when the scale should probably be 1 to 1,000 and also come in a variety of colours and tangents. Of course. That makes it ferociously difficult to categorise. To then decide what to do. But that's the point. It is messy. It's a spectrum. No two things are the same.

So we end up with a cack handed system. That in order to at least do something puts people and things into boxes. And then treats them accordingly. And mostly turns a blind eye to the fact that this initial categorisation is woefully bad at actually representing reality, and a lot of things slip through the cracks.

So.

Back to Hazel.

Where do you mark those lines. Between genuinely her. Her mental dysfunction. Defensiveness. Trauma. Etc. Can you even start to prise them apart, are we in fact, just the sum of our dysfunctions and weird shit ? Difficult. That her borderline has a monstrous effect on her is clear. What's also clear is that she has endured so much trauma and shit, that it has also warped her personality beyond the borderline diagnosis. She has picked up habits and routines that are not good for her. That can make her combative. And. In the end. All these terms. And boxes. And lines. Maybe for shit. When you're just talking about an analogue cloud of things. Where does cruelty end and dysfunction start. Are they in fact the same thing.

I think back to general terms, that in life we like to brand people assholes. Or not assholes. That dude is an asshole ! Look at his behaviour. I think, in general, this isn't actually reality. I think once you start looking, almost all of that "asshole" behaviour has a root. A trauma. An anxiety. A fear. A fuck up. A dysfunction. And what you're seeing is a bewildering array of dysfunctions and fuckery play out in people that causes them to be "assholes". I think most people are not assholes. When I say most people, I mean the only truly shit people like that are sociopaths or narcissists. Of which there is always a certain percentage. But then, they too, you can trace the origins of their dysfunction. The lack of empathy. Or the self loathing.

I find when you look at the world through this lens, it doesn't become about assholes or not assholes. It becomes about trauma. And mental problems. The weight that people are carrying or have endured in the past. Everyone has a demon on their back.

Sure you might say. But not everyone takes it out on others. For sure. Some learn to curb those tendencies to lash out. To moderate perhaps their public voice. To pay heed to the rules. To play nice. But know that this isn't easy. It's a discipline. And one that many can fail at. I find it hard to be entirely unforgiving of people who fail at this knowing that the task can be very hard. And depending on their circumstances, impossibly hard. And also know, that even when people are trained to rein in their demons, put them under enough duress, enough pain, and that control will likely vanish. And their demons will run amok hurting all those around them, because I think ultimately, there is a deep human need to communicate pain, and one way to do that, is causing pain in others.

All of that doesn't excuse behaviour. It doesn't make all of it "ok". There are consequences to damage. Regardless of whether you view it as asshole intentional, or just a product of complex trauma and fuckery. And in the worst of cases, it means people need to start to be restrained - just to protect everyone else. It's one thing to understand a murderous person, to empathise with how they got there, to understand and offer support. But that doesn't mean you continue to let them go around murdering people. At best you pop them in a box. Where they can't hurt anyone else. Or themselves. And that itself, that worst case scenario is a scale. How damaging is that person. Not murderous perhaps. But maybe horrible to people. Rude. Abusive. Manipulative. How much protection does that person require - in so much as how much does everyone else need to be protected from them, and how much protection they themselves need. Often that answer is I find very tricky and something you can't easily dole out. How do you ward against someone who can have spates of being abusive ? Relationship destroying ? How. Do you deal with someone with severe borderline personality disorder ? At worst, they are going to get thrown into a deep dark hole - one of socities tipping point label solutions. But what about all the other cases on that sliding scale ? That person roams around throwing out damage here and there ? I think you can perfectly see this in action with people like Trump. His narcissism causes damage everywhere he goes. And at this point has damaged an entire country, an existential threat to the existence of the US itself. And yet. He goes unchecked. The damage he does is not mitigated. He is allowed to roam around destroying everything behind him. This is a grievous indictment of how poorly we get to grips with the complexities of people and their dysfunctions. Of how we do not know how to approach people, unless they have that happy little tipping point label. If he had been diagnosed with some psych evaluation, people would be far better able to cope with him. Throw him in a box. Oh disregard what he says. Don't you know he's nuts.

In any case.

Whilst the approach of seeing everyones dysfunction doesnt excuse any of it. It does make it all very understandable however. And very human. For me you can absolutely see how this is just the same pattern of the human condition. Imperfect. Trying to correct. Enduring pain and damage. Trying to adapt. Trying to survive. Not knowing.

And if it's understandable. And you can see why someone is struggling. To me. This gives an element of empathy. Even for the most hardened of "assholes". Even for the Trumps of the world. Take a second to imagine what he has gone through to end up such a twisted individual. Poisoned. Awful.

I think. Bottom line. Everyone should be viewed through this lens of portional trauma and dysfunction. Realise that everyone is bumping along with damage. Headlights out. Windscreen wipers no longer working. And that it has consequences in how they behave and respond to stuff.

I see it everywhere I look. That spectrum of spectrums. Once you start looking you can see where people stand on them. Higher or lower. A series of scales that determine to a large degree what their personality looks like. That can shift over time. And you realise that the more extreme ends of these scales we label. But the rest we ignore and fall back to a binary, asshole, not asshole. It's quick. Easy. But terribly inaccurate and unfair.

So we get back to Hazel.

How do you deal with it all ?

This is a problem I have been gnawing on for years at this point. My initial usual ways of helping and dealing with people did not work on her.

I have slowly settled into a space of being supportive of her. Understanding. And rolling with some of the punches. But also - nicely, trying not to escalate - pushing back when she is at her destructive worst. Because. She can't be allowed to just destroy everything around her, dysfunction or not. At those times she needs a time out. Cool off. Reflect on yourself - away from others.

But also to understand. Understand how that works. Be slow and gentle with her. Don't expect sudden miracles or changes of personality. Learn the rise and fall of the problem. And try to ease her path through life.

Because ultimately everyone who is struggling, whether they are throwing out abuse or not, is just trying to get by. And maybe with enough trust and space and kindness. People heal a little. Big maybe. Medication maybe needed. And maybe it never happens. But in any case. Be kind. Being kind in and of itself is a worthy thing. No matter the outcome.

Easier said than done when someone is throwing punches.

This is tricky stuff. No hard and fast easy to follow guidelines. No five step path to success. It's context sensitive. Each event its own thing. Each person their own set of rules. You can get a sense of the patterns. A nose for which way things go. But. It's an analogue problem. An infinite grading of a wave. Not a series of stepped boxes. The response has to match that. Think on your feet. Which of course, makes it tremendously difficult, and one that resists leaning by rote, or from a spreadsheet or a coursebook.

It requires emotional intelligence. Difficult at best.

As for Hazel. I am not sure what to do about the situation - if anything. I have considered talking to her dad about it. Having a frank conversation about the realities. In a bid to make him empathise. Understand her issues. Because ultimately I think that relationship is important for Hazel. She has very very few relationships she can rely on. And I think it's important that her relationship with her dad is maintained. I fear that it's broken at this point and, Hazel wont admit this or perhaps even realise, she will do a lot of damage to herself leaving it that way. And she will not make a move to fix it because her reasoning is, the other person is to blame, they need to apologise. Which right or wrong, is not always how life works. Sometimes you have to meet people halfway, or even apologise for the shit you didn't do. Unfair. Shitty. But that is life. And people. And part of being an adult and de-escalating shit and seeing the bigger picture. Pick your battles. Don't end up dying on a hill of pettiness or cutting your own nose off to spite your face.