Dec 20

 Tired. The recurring theme at the moment. Can't sleep properly even when super tired. I have gone from sleeping too long, to not sleeping enough.

Sigh.

Slowly noodled around with work today. This week has been all about helping everyone else apparently. Just helping the lesser devs sort their shit out. Or get advice. As a result things have stacked up. I have a bunch of shit to do. And a steady stream of interuptions. Eh. Could be worse I suppose.

Athena has bumped into a few things today. It's apparent her left eye is not working. She can either see little or nothing at all out of that eye. As ever, she deals with it without any distress. Still excited to go for a walk.

Oh. Yes. Yesterday was her annual booster shot that in the end didn't happen. Instead at the vets we talked about her left eye. Started some treatment for that. Delaying the booster for a month or so. We get to go back next week and see how her eye is progressing. The vet was lovely. She said Athena was "exceptional". She shared some stories of her own boxer. She had a soft spot for boxers she said. It's always nice meeting another boxer person. It's a bit of a special club. The bonkers parents club. Anyway. All of that was a bit of a surprise to be honest. I didn't expect anything really to be done about her eye. Just one of the accumulating issues with her very advanced years at this point ( the exceptional bit ). But the clouding seems somewhat superficial. So. We're gonna see if we can clear it. Which will be good for Athena. But I wont hold my breath.

Despite being bone tired I took Athena for a walk around the heath after sunset today. A heavy sadness settled on me. If absolutely nothing else was wrong with me, my capacity to easily reach into the shittier side of life and thoughts would be pretty appalling. Making myself sad is easy. Meh. Like the proverbial dog with a bone I cycled back to thoughts of loss. And death. And unfairness. And how everything slips through your fingers like sand. Watching Athena slowly fade. Marking the time since Ares had gone. My mom. Friends parents. What. Is the point of it all. Monstrous.

So I traipsed around the heath muttering to myself of unhappy things. A monologue of sadness.

I can kinda see, in theory, you could arrange your life and thoughts all around the positive. Opportunities. The joy you've had. But to me, it's like some far away land. Ridiculous. Deluded. And instead I feel all the pain and loss and horror. How can you not ? Just me I suppose. That inner darkness. It's not a happy thing. It's a shit way to live. On top of the rest of the world also being a shit place.

Heh.

Sigh.

Fuck me.

Work is done. Athena is walked. Fed. Eye drops done. And now she's followed me about and asked for a boost ( paw tap, hey, heyyy ) so she can cuddle up to me in bed. Snooze time. Reassuring furry butt.

And a super bone deep tiredness sits on top of me. A slow deep sadness. A small sense of sinking to the bottom. Be still. Be quiet. Sink.

That visual that often haunts my dozing between being awake and going to sleep. Of falling backwards under an ocean. Floating downwards face up, watching the light disappear above, sinker deeper into the darkening waters, the world above fading. There is something calming about it. And awful. Floating backwards. Down into oblivion. Fragments of light glittering above. Awareness fades. Gone.

I need to rest for a while. Curl up. Stop doing. I can't rest too long though. Shit to do. Places to go. Hazel to sort out. I could do with just curling in a ball and having someone take my burdens for a little bit.

Turn the lights out. Close your eyes. Softly read me a story in the dark. Of other places. Different people. Somewhere there are no memories of loss. Or sadness. Just wonder and adventure. And let me sleep whilst I listen to the buzz of your voice.