Dec 23

 Welp. As soon as I say I'm a bit better for Christmas I have a step back. Nothing too dramatic but.

Went for an early morning shop at the supermarket on Friday. Possibly a mistake. Place was heaving. To be expected I guess. Although. I thought I'd get away with it being early in the morning and still technically a work day.

Wrong.

Still. I needed to get out. Pick up a few bits for Hazel, because sure as shit wouldn't be able to do it over Xmas.

After that, had a rest, took Athena for a walk around the old woods, somewhere I haven't been in years, and somewhere where we haven't regularly been in years more. It was where for many years I walked Athena and Ares together, at night, through their best years. Such is the way with me. A lot of memories in those woods. I can't really walk them anymore without a sense of melancholy. Always looking backwards. Never forwards.

In any case. That walk was enough to make me feel ill.

Nausea. My eyes sucked into my head and felt awfully tired.

Which is interesting in and of itself. That it does that. Unbidden. Not on waking. Not as a result of some sleep thing. Just. Hard excercise.

Makes you think. Options.

1) Just the wishy washy CFS diagnosis. Hitting that wall of exhaustion and ill effects. Which. Doesn't make a heap of logical sense, but does match the symptoms.

2) Heart issues. Notably. Obstructive heart failure. Or in other words, gunged up arteries. Nausea. Weakness. Dizziness. After excercise. Tiredness. Exhaustion. Yep, yep, and yep. I had my heart checked out nearly 3 years ago at this point, and was given an ok. Notably however, they didn't directly check whether my arteries were mushy. Only the secondary effects.

3) Gastro issues. Some level of strain or pressure causes a severe reaction which makes me feel ill, exhausted etc. The symptoms of which overlap heavily with 2). Teasing them apart can be hard, even for professionals. Given my history and sudden flare up of pain there, 3) is a real option.

Or could be a mix of all these or something else entirely. But. It's not just a sleep thing. That's for sure.

Got home. Felt ill. Took a while to begin evening out, and then just slept instead feeling rough.

Today is my last free day. Tomorrow I will need to get a lot of ducks in a lot of rows. I need to sort myself out, Athena, Poppy and Hazel. Provisions for a few days. Bedding. Meds. Distractions. Quite a lot. And just to get there I need to make sure prior ducks are in  a row, things washed, things purchased, bedding, bags, blah.

Not great.

Spoke with Hazel. Her plans are all still up in the air. Not getting a lift now after all. Just a train from Bristol. To Colchester. Mmm k. At that point, to be honest, she could just stay on the train and go home. I asked her if that would not be a better choice having been away from home for a month, and about to go to the US. Not trying to get rid of her. But if it was me. I'd appreciate a few days at home to sort shit out.

Nope. Fear of a meltdown.

Which is fair enough. The thing she is most worried about is having anytime on her own and having a mental meltdown. Which. I very much get.

She apologised for being a pain.

Yeah I agreed, you are a bit of a pain. But it's ok.

I am now not looking forward to any of it, ha ha.

It's going to be a trial of effort, not an enjoyable punt. But then, a lot of social arranged stuff I find to be like that. It's an effort. Not enjoyable. You'll be able to tell the difference when I can just noodle around on my own schedule. No hassle. Easy come easy go. No responsibilities.

Eh well. Try to find the good in the meh. I am sure Xmas dinner will be yum. And I can just sit and relax and watch some TV. I am sure it will be better than I expect.