Dec 29

 Good, bad, ugly.

Back from my jaunt down to my brothers.

Picking up Hazel, getting her sorted for food et al was a faff. A pain. But. Dealt with it. After a long drive down to my brothers with a couple of stops and redirections on the way, got in and I immediately started cooking dinner for Hazel. She was starving. And not about to cook for herself. I had foreseen this however, and taken a bunch of raw materials for a vegetable bolognese cooked in my sister in laws ninja.

Hooray for ninjas.

My nephew came over about 10 minutes after we landed for a chat. On hearing my tired voice, he said it would be a quick chat.

It was not a quick chat.

2 hours.

Ok. During that time, finished cooking dinner, finally collapsed and rested.

Christmas day was on the whole uneventful. Had a chat with my sister in the morning. Had a lovely dinner with Andy, really nice. And probably the highlight of my days down there.

Hazel was good. Nice to be around.

Boxing day, the wheels started falling off the wagon.

It started fine with a walk out for the doggos with my sister, all good.

My nephew had previously dropped off a game the day before for me to learn, because he wanted me to teach his son and him how to play. This is how it goes. He doesn't learn the games himself. He gets me to do it and teach his son. We'll come back to this.

I was tired on boxing day. And taking my time. Have some lunch. Chill. Nephew turned up with my great nephew.

Now this great nephew even on a good day is no two ways about it, a pain in the arse. Loud. Selfish. Socially oblivious. Everything revolves around him. The entire world. He's 12.

So we go about learning the game, all four of us, the great nephew is an unrestrained stream of loud chatter I want to be this, I want to be that, he's excited and enthused. And also a pain in the arse.

Rules learned and taught we start a game. My great nephew is on fine form. I want this weapon. I am going here. You should go there. Oh no. Can I take my move back. I want all the stuffs. I am going to shoot you - that would be bad. Eh. Meh. It's fine.

After that game I need a cup of tea. Decompress a bit from holding off the blur of obnoxious energy. As he gets more animated, my nephew, his dad, gets quieter and quieter. Fades into the background hardcore. You can tell he's not exactly happy with his son. But has singularly no capability or inclination to do shit about it. It ends up as a passive aggressive sulk. In a weird way. You end up with two kids at the table.

Marvellous.

He would like a biscuit. 

He eats 3 before the packet is even put down. He then takes another five and lines them up in front of himself. And literally stuffs those just as the packet is put down.

He then turns around and eats another three. By this point, the packet is 2/3 empty in about 2 minutes.

Hazel checks on Athena. Her eye is not doing so good. Bloodshot. A bit bloody. Her eye isn't great she says.

Ok I will check it in a bit.

It's not great she repeats.

Ok I will check it in a bit.

She. Keeps. On. Needling.

Yes. I get it. Athena needs checking. I. Will. Check. It. In. A. Minute.

We start to play the next scenario. everyone fucks off, does their thing, the game ends quickly, we die. Mainly because my nephew and great nephew are either not paying attention, or running around like a selfish prick.

At this point. Internally. I realise I am done. I am kind of done with everyone at this table. I am worried about Athena. I want to go check on her. As we checked on her, my great nephew burbled selfish inanities loudly over everyone, blissfully unaware of any kind of manners or social etiquette. Have you played this zombie game. That zombie game. Will you play this zombie game with me online. Here's my account details. Play this game with me.

I ask Hazel the time and declare we call it a day.

I had hoped to play more says the great nephew.

And repeats it.

And repeats it.

This is his way. You can't tell him no. He just asks again. Or rephrases it.

So.

I've had this before with him whilst teaching and playing another game a couple of christmases ago.

Can I have this miniature ? No. How about this one ? No. Ok let me do a deal, how about these three miniatures ? No.

No.

No. No. No. No.

So. My nephew and great nephew left. We played about 3 hours or so, so, no slouch by any means. But we could have played more hours.

But I sat and took stock.

Every person at that table wanted something from me.

My nephew wanted me to teach him that game. Babysit his kid. Parent his kid. Basically turn up, be non present, and engage and be the kids dad. Be interested in what he was doing. Do stuff with him. Engage. Like a dad should.

For whatever fucking reason. Out of his depth. Can't keep up. Incapable. Whatever.

It's not my fucking job dude.

The great nephew just wanted all the things. Entertain him. Give him all the shit. Loud. Obnoxious. No fun to be around.

Hazel I have to look after. She's there for company. Feed her. Keep her.

...

I. Am chronically ill. I am tired. I have an unwell dog.

At no fucking point do any of those people stop and ask.

What do YOU want. What would YOU LIKE TO DO. How can we HELP YOU.

No. Fuck that.

Everyone has their hands out.

Johnny. Can you just...

This is the story of my life. Everyone wants something from me.

So.

Nephew gone. Just me and Hazel. I am upset. Wobbly. Sad. I am tired.

Of course you are tired my dude. Stop. Realise. You're carrying a whole bunch of shit around. Things you didn't ask for. It's no wonder you're tired. You feel ill. Just existing is a struggle. And people still want to take shit from you. And give you their shit to deal with.

Hazel realised she had not made the situation better.

She apologised for stressing me out. I was just worried about Athena.

I understand.

I am sorry for stressing you out. Do you want a hug.

To be honest, Hazel for the entire duration was fine. Cool to be around. Yes she's another bit of responsibility you have to cater for. But. All things being equal. She would have been fine. Nice to have someone to just chill with in fact. Her anxiety did not do either of us well over Athena. And added to the raging fire of the great nephew, and long days and psst chronically ill. Yeah. Too much.

So I sat.

Roiling, sad, upset, worried, anxious. Angry. That everyone just fucking takes me for granted. I need looking after. Not the other fucking way around.

I tried this Christmas to do something smart for myself. Not feeling well. I thought I would do better with some people around. And someone else making dinner. And that, in itself, was a good idea.

The problem is then everyone else who when I am in a location then jumps on my fucking bandwagon and gives me shit and responsibilities to do.

No. No no no no no. Fuck off. 

5 minutes after sitting down, my friend called out of the blue. From the Netherlands.

Can we. Not do this right now I said to her. Can you call back in a couple of days.

What's wrong.

Just. Stressed is all.

What's wrong. You don't sound good.

I'm not good. Just stressed.

Yes you said that. Why.

Just not a good time. Stressed.

Ok. Explain.

She can be that way. Not going to let it go.

I ended up on the phone with her for an hour and a half. Not what I wanted. But possibly better for me. She did it in purpose. She didn't want to just up and leave when I was Not Good. She decided I would be better off distracted by her.

Hazel poked me frustrated. Get rid of the call.

I know. It is what it is. And. It's fine. The phone call is doing their bit to cheer me up. By the mid point of the call I pottered around and got something shit to eat. Feeling a bit better about everything.

Spent the rest of the evening watching very cool stuff on TV. Splurged on a take out pizza. Because. Fuck it. And fuck this shit.

The following day we left. I had a brief chat with my dad. I'll get into that another day. No big shakes.

On getting back I needed to take Hazel around town, other side of the city, here and there, pick some things up she needed for her flight to the US that evening.

Shopping with Hazel is an experience. At least with me, she goes manic. I am used to it. It's kind of funny. Also draining. She's not mean. Just. Hyper. Over stimulated. Slightly too loud. Super chatty. She wears me out. But by this point we both get it. It's not toxic. And I will flag it. Ok. I am done. Tired. She notes it. And starts looking for an exit. We have an unusual taking account of each others shit relationship at this point. Which is nice at one level. I don't have to fight too hard, or at all, to get things communicated that others might struggle with. My batteries are low. Let's go. I feel sick. My mentals are drained. My anxiety is spiking. Etc. Ditto with her.

She pottered around the rest of the evening a whirl of energy. I on the other hand. Flopped.

At the end of it. I did say to Hazel. You do realise. I am chronically ill right ? 

Yes. I do appreciate you.

You realise I am very nice to you right ?

Yesssss. I do appreciate you.

Ok.

I went to bed. Left her to it. At some point unheard by me, she had sorted her shit, and left for her very long and shitty coach journey to gatwick via heathrow.

The following day I took Athena to her vet checkup. Her eye was not good.

The vet noted her eye was not good. Treatment was not working.

The prognosis darkened.

Athenas time left on this planet darkened.

The possibility of something sinister and final raised as a possibility.

It is, of course. Always going to be like this. In the end. Something. Something will come. And it will wipe her out. Then wipe me out. And the end game plays out.

So we have new meds.

And as a sign of the stakes going on. We are back at the vets again today. 24 hours after our last visit.

And then we may need a referral. Probably. If the eye hasn't improved.

The eye hasn't improved.

I am tired.

And sad.

I am looking after Hazels dog.

I need to go be at her place start of January for a flat inspection.

I have my own health appointments coming in. Respiratory referral in Feb.

I am wavering.

Currently I am in a state of high alert. Adrenaline. Numb. High stress. We Do The Thing. We Get The Shit. We Do What Is Required For Athena. We Follow That Path No Matter What. Paying for it - emotionally et al comes later.

But there's a big part of me here. That is unhappy. Not enjoying any of it. Tired. Ill. The last bit of joy is in danger of going out in my life - as it was always going to do. And a cold calm comes over me. Serious. Calculating. It's not worth it. None of this is worth it. Let it play out. Then end it. The journey is done. You are so not enjoying any of this. People always want something from you. Few truly care. Even fewer help. People expect you to keep on being you. Step up. Be capable. Do the thing. 

So. There is a very icy calm contemplation of it. This would be a good end. Sort Athena out. Sort Poppy out.

Then ? Not enjoying it. Seems like a good line in the sand. Be done with it.

But everyone would be sad.

Sure.

Not sad enough to change their behaviour. Or help. Or look after me for a bit. Or whatever. Just sad.

I won't be able to give people shit anymore. So sad. No I can't help look after you anymore. No I can't support you anymore. No I can't do your problems for you anymore. So sad.

There's another bit of me. That very rarely glimmers. It's ok. There is still stuff to like. Rest. Even at the worst. And you will lose Athena. If not today then very soon. But it will be ok.

I am not sure who wins.

Certainly. The more optimistic version doesn't have a lot of ammunition. Or help.

Maybe I'm just being a selfish asshole. Grumpy old man. Sulking.

Or maybe I am justified. Everyone elses behaviour always with their hands out. 

Don't get me wrong. I am more than ok helping people. I think helping people is the way to Make Things Better. Helping good people out is a Good Thing.

But I am not invincible. Or infinite. I too am a person. With a lot of problems. People seem to so easily forget that. And just use me up.

I think. That probably bites the hardest.

Ask.

How. Am. I. What. Would you. Like to do. How. Can I help ?

Just. The asking. The empathy.

Sigh.

I am sure some people enjoy life.

Perhaps even life is enjoyable full stop, and I am just deeply flawed so that I can't really enjoy it.

But I don't find life enjoyable by and large. It's shit. Filled with shit things. And loss. And sadness. And at best fucking distractions that distract you from how shit it all is. Even therapy et al, just seems to be one large shell game of methods of distracting yourself from how shit everything is.

Perhaps that's all life and perception is. Not an objective look, a great set of scales that weigh the good and bad and come up with an answer ( shit ). It's a subjective experience. Just. Keep eating the cake. And don't look at the darkness. Cake is good right ? Yes. Then life is good. Ok.

I struggle with that level of subjectivity. I can't pull it off for long before my gaze returns to a wider picture. Maybe that's part of my problem.

Anywho.

What does any of it matter.

It is how it is.

I need. Athena to be better. Or stable.

I need. To have responsibilities off my plate. To get done with looking after Poppy. 

I need to get through the coming days and weeks. It's going to be at least a month of this.

In reality.

I need it all to go away. Everything.

Be brave Johnny. Head up. Foot forward. Keep on going until you stop. It will be fine. This world is just a dream. A fevered imagination of the universe awake and considering itself. Stardust become conscious. There is no fear in dying. Dissipating back to the universe. To star dust. It was always that way. It will be that way again. Just a ride. Just a show. Breathe. It doesn't matter if it ends. Just a tiny chapter, read, done.

This too, shall pass. 

Post Script.

The brutal truths of the run out of patience point of view.

My nephew should never have had a kid.

He has not the first clue in how to be a parent. All he does, is pick him up, spend a weekend with him, and buy him shit for birthdays and christmas. That's it. There is no notion in there of teaching him things. Values. Behaviour. Right. Wrong. None of it.

My nephew doesn't really understand any of these questions himself. Struggling to piece together the world. Struggling to look after himself - and failing. Struggling to come to terms with the world and life for himself.

Let alone a kid.

He is about as out of his depth as you can get. A non present parent. The kid grows up under his own steam. He is shaped by whichever way the wind is blowing. Whatever he wants. So. Selfish. Unaware. Obnoxious. He's a kid. He doesn't know better until you tell him. But he doesn't get told. Doesn't get told no.

My nephew is mortally afraid of not being his friend. Of letting him down in any of his needs. Has no wisdom or clue about what to teach him. Is always 3 steps behind in the uptake.

One of his solutions he has slowly evolved to, is to dump that responsibility on those around him. Can you play games with him. Can you give him a place to say. Can you feed him. Can you tell him no.

Just by default. No real plan. It's a solution. He can get people like me, to teach his son games. Play with him. Engage with him. Which leaves my nephew time to just not engage. Not have to do.

It's a complete dropping of responsibility.

But. He himself in many ways is a kid. He doesn't get it. You'd have to teach him first. Before you could even think about him teaching someone else.

And my great nephew is a distater in motion. He's at an age now where that shit is going to stick. The adult he becomes is now in formation. Selfish. Unaware.

He dropped a few hints that he's a loner. I suspect he doesn't have too many friends. Probably because he's obnoxious. But no one is guiding him. He just thinks that the more things he accumulates. The cooler he becomes. And people will like him.

This is a sideshow to me. I have bigger things to worry about. Living. Dying. That kind of shit.

Meh.

I think if nothing else, I need to avoid my great nephew for the forseeable future. And that probably then somewhat extends to my nephew. Who will happily bring him along to shit. An invite to one, is an invite to both.

Failing the response to actually step up and say, hey, your son is obnoxious, and no one wants to spend time with him. Which is harsh. You're only left with excuses as to why you don't want to spend time with either of them. I'm. Busy. Sorry. The alternative - a first step towards fixing the issue - is too much energy, too much drama, and ultimately, someone elses responsiblity first and foremost.

Meh. Life. People. Senselessly stupid. And damaging. So many flaws and problems. A decreasing amount of time, energy, health and patience.