Jan 17

 Today started much as yesterday.

Groaning awful pain and shocking tiredness, punchy stinging eyes, and a prolonged death gargle.

Honestly, I think my neighbours probably think I'm dying - I groan an awful lot in this state. It is not, I assure you, something I am doing on purpose. It just happens. As a matter of fact vocalisation for how shit I am feeling.

Such was the case that again I really couldn't make a go of it this morning, and skipped work. At midday, with a few pinging messages floating their way through to my sub conscience, I hauled myself awake, and got on with some work.

I busted out a few things. Which was pretty good. Even though I only spent half a day working.

Today was also Vet day. Again. Checking on Athena's state.

To me, her eye condition has not improved one bit. Same thing. Sometimes a little better, sometimes a little worse, but a mass of opaque scar tissues sits over her eye, blinding her.

Today I had resolved to move things along. Get a referral. Try a last ditch first hand look over from an expert to deliver a final call on the situation. Saveable. Or are we indeed too far gone.

However, I didn't go in cocked and locked. I was chill. And let the vet do his own observations and mulling over.

He thought that Athena had improved a little. Oh really. I am not seeing it. But. Ok. We talked about it. I said my piece about our treatment plan not seeming to get anywhere and was it too late for a referral or an alternative plan ? In the end I was happy to bow to the feeling that my vet had - that some progress had been made, that yes it was frustrating, and yes we could refer right now, but maybe give it a week or two. Particularly in light of him having talked to a specialist already and been given a different treatment path to follow. This time almost the reverse of what we've tried so far, an immuno suppressant. To try and stem an overactive and overenthusiastic immune system from building scar tissue repeatedly.

Uh huh. As long as he thinks we are making progress. And there is a plan. I was happy to defer any referral.

But we're on a schedule here. We are due back in a weeks time - a little short to have noticed any real improvement. In two weeks time he will be on holiday. Difficult.

He offered today to refer. We deferred. He has offered to refer next week - albeit a little early. I think we will defer again.

We will give it two weeks and see if there is any change.

In the meantime. We are withdrawing all the current treatments. So. The four hourly nonsense will slowly fade out. No more antibiotics. No more serum. But. Plenty of eye irrigation. And some immuno suppressant twice a day.

If nothing else, this is more sustainable.

I did note that a high intensity every few hours treatment plan was not sustainable. I didn't mind doing it as long as we were getting somewhere. But a breathless constant hovering and poking of Athenas eye for weeks without progress - yeah. That's just not good on several fronts.

I talked through some more harebrained stuff I had thought of, pondering what things might or might not exist in treatment ( was there a way I asked - probably not - of temporarily closing her eye overnight. Like a securing strip of tape, just like a person would use to clamp their nose down for snoring. I understood this was almost certainly not the case - fuzzy faces are not good for tape securing - but it seemed to me ideally you would want to ensure the eye was closed overnight and lubricated ).

We talked about it all. I pointed out that in a way you needed something to continually lubricate the eye, and you were, basically, trying to replicate the tear duct. He said there was a wacky sometimes surgery they did to split a salivary gland up to the eye to keep an eye hydrated - which resulted in everytime the dog would see food, their eye would flood with water. Ha. Crazy. But. Apparently effective. But not really what we need with Athena in any case.

In a perfect world I said. You'd have some little device that attached close to her eye, would bloop out a little liquid, a little bit of meds, and keep the whole thing in some perfect healing environment. We of course don't have that kind of tech kicking around. Yet. Or at least. No one has bothered trying to do it ( and if stitches and cones are an issue, having some miniature gizmo attached near to a dogs eye is going to be one hell of a logistical problem for a mutt prone to going nuts about something being on their face ).

So. Anywho. Here we are. Meds schedule revised - thank goodness. I have burned out doing it. So perhaps I can get a little rest myself now. And we have a new plan of attack. As ever. Expect the worst. Hope for the best.

In the meantime, whilst digging through the weeds of treatment, he did suggest I look up a particular eye drop that was supposed to give longer relief particularly overnight. So, I've done that, and ordered us some other drops. Yet more drops. But these are better designed to be done just before bed, and then stick around throughout the night. Which I think might help give Athena's eye its best shot at healing.

We are, still, fighting very hard to do the best for Athena. Every avenue is explored. And no effort is spared. I can't do more. Even though I know often times that isn't enough. But. We perservere ! Fuck reality. We are going to bend the universe to our wanted outcome. Or at least try very hard to do so.

I think. I also might try a few very gentle experiments with securing strips on Athena overnight. Just to see if I can nudge that problem eye more firmly shut when she sleeps. You never know. Science is the art of doing shit, and then recording your results.

In other news.

It appears Hazel has tried to rebuild bridges with her boyfriend. They are giving it another go. It all seems a bit tenuous, but, I told her it was positive they were talking about it and willing. I think, from orbit, high level, the relationship is probably doomed. This is just beating a dead horse. But, never say never and all that. And I hope it works out for her. I think however, if nothing else, the dude will indeed go through a bunch of adult like changes now he has his new apartment. And somewhere in there, Hazel will be left behind.

And finally, my friend who has been wobbling with depression et al seems to have turned a corner. Slowly improving day by day. I have when I can been shovelling advice to her when she asks for it. And a good deal of it seems to be sticking. Which is good. I think she is now on a good path out of the gloom. And I constantly remind her to rest on the occasion I send her a message.

It would seem then that perhaps some fires are beginning to go out. And maybe. I can start to rest a bit more.

At this point, I should also probably pull my finger out and confirm with the private health clinic that yes let's get the blood tests done. And start crossing some boxes off.

On a last note. It has been an age since I have been grocery shopping. I have been limping along on bits and pieces. And not looking after myself. I need to sort that out. Difficult. When everything is so busy. Or it seems so hard. Sometimes it really does feel like a looming mountain. Something I am very disinclined to do, despite having arse all to eat. Eh. Meh. The vagaries of stress and anxiety perhaps. The funny thing is, I don't dread being there. Or shopping. Or the people. But somehow. It becomes a task I endlessly push back and avoid. Uh huh. No one ever said this stuff made any kind of rational sense. The animal will do, whatever the animal does.