Jan 18

 Something I often get told, by those that are paying attention to those things, is that my boundaries suck.

In so much as. I always help. I always put others first. I fuck myself up. To a fault. And my lack of boundaries in being able sometimes to say no, or, this is too much, my incapability to sometimes put myself first, is a detriment to me.

And I don't argue with that. It's a fair.. ish... point. It is one of my many flaws. I am that way because of my history, because of how I was raised, and the environment I grew up in. But that's not the point. I am aware it's an issue. I sometimes try to work on it, but, bone deep, it can be very hard for me to not help. Impossible even.

In the scale of flaws to have, it's one of those insidious ones that actually can benefit society and is seen in a certain light as a Good Thing. As it has a generally positive influence to others. But. Here's the rub. Just like a manically overworking overachieving person seems like a good thing in a workplace, a real corporate soldier, it does in fact mask a pretty serious behavioural issue, that is definitely not good for the individual, and in some circumstances can be too much for everyone else at large - which becomes really evident when you say, take them out of the workplace, and ask them to relax. Nonononono. MustKeepDoing.

Yikes.

One of my friends - who is also a chronic boundary helper problem person - cannot see what the issue is ( because of course they can't they have rationalised their own bullshit ). They have a theory that you need people like that to help grease the wheels of society a bit. The thoroughly selfless types. Because they are a benefit to the community. And it's a Good Thing.

I have to point out that chopping someone up and feeding them to the village is also a benefit to the community, and helps keep everyone well fed, but, must be regarded as pretty fucked up and not at all good for anyone, least of all the poor sod who just got butchered. Technically it looks good. People well fed. One less mouth to feed. Job done. Actuality is something very disturbing. The very same thing applies to someone who is compelled to do something positive. Compulsions at that level are no bueno. The fact that on paper, they are a benefit, doesn't actually make it better. It's fucky at best. And very dark at worst. The difference between compulsion and free choice is the difference between night and day here. Being a slave. And being free. Bigggggg difference.

Anywho. Leaving the whys and wherefores to the side for the moment.

I am helpful. And help.

However.

The point has come up before about what you do when you help someone, but they don't help themselves.

There's an argument there that says, if you're not willing to try, then why should I bother to help you ? This is tricky. And I find can be context sensitive. For instance, I am more bloody minded with this in terms of learning skills and professional things - fuck you if you don't want to learn, I am out. But I am very understanding of when that comes to more personal things.

I am at the very least distrustful of this position of if you're not going to help yourself then fuck off, if not outright contemptuous of it when it comes to the struggles that someone has in their life. It sounds very much like shitty people who never really intended to help washing their hands of a situation by blaming the person who needs help because of some failing, real or imagined.

All too often politicians of the shittier vibe will use it as an excuse to go right on neglecting people whilst being a smarmy superior douchebag at the same time. Narcissists are going to narcissist.

For myself I am keenly aware that people are imperfect. That any solution requires a path to be taken that is almost guaranteed to have missteps along the way. It's human nature. Everyone fucks up here and there. The expectation that someone can tow the line perfectly without any fault is unreasonable. Stupid even. That's not how people work. People cheat on diets. Get drunk when they shouldn't. Gamble their last money when they should eat. Blah.

So. I am understanding of the fact that solutions are often a work in progress. A hap hazard shitty one. People are a bit of a mess. And I accept that.

That being said.

Of late it has occurred to me that this is not an on off state but rather a sliding scale. I find myself hard pressed to continue to help someone who demonstrably does something obviously shit for themself, in direct opposition to what they should be doing - what they want to be doing - and something that gives them pain.

Specifically of very late. Saving money. Versus spluffing it on shit. Spluffing a lot of it on shit. Unnecessary shit. Duplicates of unnecessary shit.

And then complaining of no money. Can't make future plans because no money.

Whilst sitting atop a pile of recently bought very expensive shit.

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

I get it. This is human nature. And also not a little of coping mechanism going on. And there is a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy here in that some of the people that require the most help are the kind of people that can make the most shit choices. Not always. Life. And fate. Can screw anyone over hard. No matter how wise a decision you take. But. There are also people that can delight in throwing themselves out of moving cars, then complaining that their knee is scuffed.

Ok. Human nature. People are, if it's not eminently clear by now, dumb as rocks.

But. This starts to come down to a personal weighing up of my effort and amount of help given.

I will, I think, pretty much always sympathise with someone. Even if they are the worst self sabotaging person. Because that is tragic. And shit. And I'm sorry it's that way for you.

But the further question then becomes.

How much time do you spend actively trying to help them, counsel them, do stuff for them, if they continually just set that shit on fire. Ultimately, it's a waste of time. You can't spend your time placing brick on brick to build a wall, only for the person to come along and gleefully kick it all over, so you're back to square one the next day. In a very matter of fact way, what was achieved ?

This very much goes against the grain for me. I like to think that helping is always a thing. No matter what. It doesn't matter if its acknowledged. Or you get anywhere. So yes. You can do shit. And then go back to square one. But you help.

But it does occur to me of late there is a line.

The person has to, at least, show some willing there. If you have tried, and it's a complete bust, and they refuse to learn or improve at all. Then. I think you have to call it quits. Support. Empathise. But. Give up trying to build walls with them. It's pointless. 

Perhaps at some point in the future the shift to a less destructive behaviour pattern, one that can actually be helped will occur and you can try again.

But until then. The waste of time engaged in helping that is then sabotaged I think is a call that needs to be made. Difficult though. Because sometimes the hopeless cases need time and effort just failing with them before they can start to see even a glimmer of light. But. Also. Stop wasting my time and energy.

This starts to smell like boundaries.

No. I will not do that. I will not help. I could. But I wont. 

So perhaps this is just me feeling out a bit of a boundary. Not to be unkind. But to not waste my time ploughing energy into a bottomless pit of self destruction.

Perhaps it's a fault of my understanding at what point the other person lies. They aren't ready to tackle that shit. Even though they might say they are. Or wish to be rid of their issues. The fact is, they might not be ready. Where they actually are is the step before that. The identification of self destructive tendencies and ways to combat that. 

So rather than help with the issues.

Instead help getting the person to see the blocks with even getting help in the first place.

Perhaps that's it.

Tricky.

Because someone can ask for help. Can you help me row to the shore in this little rowing boat ? Yes ! Of course ! Let's start rowing.

And then you watch them drill a hole in the bottom of the boat.

The fact is. They are not ready to row.

What you actually need to be doing. Is helping them not drill holes in the boat.

Only after that point can you start thinking about rowing.

I dunno. Perhaps I am becoming increasingly grumpy and shitty with people. But it's hard. After spending time talking about finances, and how to do better, and sitting down and going through figures, and plans, and having other people help. To watch someone then just spluff money on shit. A lot of it.

Eh.

Makes you throw up your hands.

Ok. Cool. Good luck.

Take a breath. In. Out.

Ok. We're not ready to talk about financial plans and shit like that.

Let's talk about shitty decision making and impulsive behaviour instead.

I think this then sits better with me. Don't give up helping. Just. Change the focus of what's being helped, back up a step, tackle a lower level cause. And see if that works.

This stuff is not easy for me. It is debatable. And starts to feel like I am not trying enough or even being an uncaring dick. I also know that it can very much be my inner Crap Demon that wants me to have no boundaries giving me a hard time.

Of all of this.

I came across a relevant meme the other day about this. Made me laugh.

Ha. Oof. Yes.