Jan 29

Super tired. Not been able to sleep properly. And the punchy eyes and yada blah have stacked up.

Making me feel pretty ill at times.

Hazel duly arrived on Friday. Picked her up. She's staying with me a while til she feels up to going back home. In the meantime she's helping a little around the house and with Athena. So. That's good.

We had a chat about how it went in the US. She talked. I listened. In the end she acknowledged the whole thing might be a bust. But. Seeing how it goes. I said, brutally, on paper, if this was a set of tests someone had handed me.. I know she says.. you wouldn't pass them. Yeah. Pretty bad. But eh. People make mistakes. Learn. Change. Who knows.

As it turns out the boyfriend is thousands in debt. Has a committed behavioural problem with spending huge amounts of money on onlyfans and fastfood. And despite being 32 is maturity wise, probably somewhere in the low 20's. At most. Depending which generation you are comparing to. He's just not had to grow up until now.

Athenas eye has taken a turn for the worse.

The worrying swelling then growing on the side of her eyeball has as of today become very much more pronounced. A pea sized lump right on the side of her eyeball. Not good. We are back at the vets  on Wednesday, and not a moment too soon. I think we are 100% in referal territory, and, at this point, I am 99% sure the eye is done for. It needs to be taken out.

All in all I am wavering with Athena. The sads about how old she's getting, wobbling around. And everything. Plus myself and my once again super shittily failing health. And all. Struggling. I have been in something of a not great mood for days. Just. No patience with idiocy. Young people spouting their utter bullshit like they were there when they weren't. Just. Tired I think. Symptomatic of everything starting to get on top of me again. I mean, it figures right, it's not rocket science. I need to be aware of that and really make a concerted effort to take it easy and make time for myself. Something I have not been doing.

The ill health is creeping up on me. I have been flaking out mid afternoon the last few days. Yesterday was so bad, I felt so ill, I had to stop playing a game with a friend to beg off. I felt so shit. I took a break. Of four hours.

As ever. I remain in that weird waiting lounge of just wanting a break in the clouds, sunshine to fall on me and feel better. But never having that. And just feeling worse.

I'm kinda ok though. Not. Hopeless. Kinda. Yet. I mean I am hopeless. But not. Suicidally hopeless ? Hmm. Ok. How about. Not highly motivated suicidally hopeless ? LOL !

Ho ho.

My dreams are studded with desires and burdens. Wanting a simple smile and a touch. And full of the knowledge of impending horror. Uh huh.

No shrink required there to figure that out.

Where. Are the good things.

I lost them a whiles ago. And now I can't find them.

One small thing still giving me joy. Pulling the clothes out of the dryer. Toasty. Satisfying.

On the other hand.

I am seriously wondering once again whether either me, or Athena, make it out of this year alive. And as for poor Athena. I can't see it.

Still.

Stop it. Don't think like that.

Very destructive.

Cross those bridges when you need to. No use in suffering with them before time.

Snip.

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