Jan 6

 Vet visit today.

Eye is still bad. But doesn't seem to have got any worse. Which isn't a super high bar to clear - if it gets worse, Athena loses her eye. It's that simple. The vet seemed to think that perhaps the center had stabilised a little - not better, not worse, and maybe was a good sign. The eye wasn't lost yet he said.

But it remains a delicate tricky space. On Tuesday he said it looked like it was going to pop - go through the last corneal layer - and lose the eye. Today. Doesn't seem to have got that far.

So we're maintaining what we're doing and we're back again on a short follow up. Next week, Wednesday.

The vet is also sending some pictures off to a specialist to see if they have any input. We're pretty sure we know where we are, but, get an expert to look them over.

At the moment we're waiting - and hoping - that the eye improves just enough that steroids can be used and, the vet seems to think at that point a lot of the scar tissue would clear up. But. Doing that too early at this point would result in you losing the eye. Again. So. Eh.

I am still expecting her to lose the eye to be honest. But I am hoping she doesn't. Do our best, see how we do.

In the meantime. I am still on 4 hour med doses with her. Next Wednesday, all things being equal, we will spin more serum from her blood again.

Yesterday I felt ill and tired. Walking the mutts around the heath was hard work and my spirits were very low. As I walked back to the car I reflected that everything was a struggle and what on earth was I doing continuing on. I didn't delve too deeply into it. Not a good train of thought. And it was all too true. That's the problem with negative thought trains - when they're also completely true and a fair representation of your situation, it gets real difficult to dismiss them and trot happily on.

I chatted to my brother in the evening. That helped bit to even me out. Just. Someone to talk to sometimes forces me away from realising how shit things are. And then I did a game stream which did a good job of further distracting me. I am beginning to suspect that in moderation a bit of game streaming is actually very therapeutic. Who knew ?

After a slow and exhausted start to the day I have gained a tiny glimmer of energy. Enough to make me not feel ill. It is a lovely feeling. I'm tired. But regular tired. It immediately makes me want to start doing things - but I absolutely know better than that. Enjoy having a bit of energy. But don't go nuts. Don't burn out in 10 minutes and then feel ill. Avoid the bang and bust. Avoid the bang and bust. Repeat. Probably one of the best bits of advice I got from the CFS clinic. Well done them. Of course achieving that is a different matter. Hard.

I am torn between catching up on sleep and resting. And feeling like it's a waste of time, go do something whilst you feel a smidge better. Good work brain. Turn it into a point of anxiety.

Talking of which.

The friend of mine who has been wrestling with the terminal decline of her mom. And how to deal with being kicked whilst trying to help has continued on a downwards path. Her mom, obviously, has not changed her behaviour. And my friend is increasingly upset and confused about why she gets treated not exactly roughly, but not in a friendly fashion either. She cannot reconcile the fact that sometimes people are like that, particularly when they are pain and scared and wrestling with their own end and what the hell it all means. She continues to demonstrate how young she is in many ways. It's a shit situation for sure. But she struggles to see the understanding of it. Just wrestles with the emotions.

Hum ho.

Things have reached a point where she has now tipped over into a pretty clear mental health issue. She has become always emotional. Prone to bursting into tears. Very sad. Very low. Isolating.

Oh.

We know this.

She mentioned she had a GP booked for a week or so out.

Uh huhhhhhh.

I said in my opinion they are going to sign you off for at least a week with "stress". Probably two. Depending on whether you hide your actual symptoms and how you're feeling.

We talked a little in circles then she asked me outright what I thought.

Ok. Well. A GP appointment in a weeks time or so is not good enough. You need one today. Tomorrow. That shit about her "not wanting to take time off for something that isn't real" is bullshit. And she needs at least a week off or more. That she had all the signs of falling into a depressive state. Emotional threshold down. It also being very obvious. Not rocket science. Mom gets a terminal cancer diagnosis starts being mean to you whilst simultaneously your work fucks you over, demotes you and reduces your wages. 

That's a rough ride.

All of it was, I said. A red flag. And if it were me. And I had done so before. I would drag her kicking and screaming to the GP right now.

She was upset about my unprofessional diagnosis.

As it turned out she ended up getting a more urgent appoint for the following day.

Where they immediately signed her off for a week. Recommended two. And gave her a prescription for crazy pills - if she felt she needed them.

Uh huh.

I Told You So.

So perhaps that small breather from work will do her good.

She is however also one of those people indoctrinated to always be busy, that mental health is at best a second class citizen, and to always stand on her own two feet and push forward.

In other words she's a problem case.

After telling me she had been signed off, I said it was good. And my final bit of advice was to not beat herself up. It's ok to need to rest. Not just muscles. Sometimes the brain needs a rest too. And the heart. And not to immediately fill her free time with Endless Shit To Do. Rest. But also. Don't spend all day staring at the wall, dwelling and stewing on shit. Rest. But don't dwell. Talk to people. Someone.

So maybe she gets better.

The problem here however is that most of what ails her - even the unstated stuff - is a product of her environment and not one of her own making - be that negative thinking or fucky chemistry. The environmental pressures she is under - mom, work and marriage, mean there is no relieving of that stress until something in the environment changes, or, gains a new ability to massively increase her levels of bullshit taken threshold.

Tricky.

There are also, with her, underlying deeper issues than work or her mom. That go right to the heart of who she is and the choices she has made. And when dragged into the light. These are also highly problematic, if not outright rotten.

But eh. One day at a time. And also. People are gonna do, what people are gonna do. And often, sadly, the only way people learn, is by lighting themselves on fire. No end of warning signs or cautions helps until the person is on fire and understands that, well shit, being on fire sucks and not to do that maybe in future.

In any case. I have helped. Eased that transition from angsting I am Not Worthy and putting off getting help, to, ok, Now I Have Some Help and It's Ok To Need Rest.

Mental health / depression steps 101.

Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirts. Got a lot of people their t-shirts too. We have some useful insight and experience here.

My good deed to my fellow humans for the day ?