Feb 20

 No day is a reasonable day anymore. Everyday is a rough day. With windows of opportunity and not ghastly where maybe, sometimes, I can do something.

My sleeping seems to have eased out a little. The punchy eyes have got slightly better. Which is something. I am slightly better on waking up. But I still need so much sleep. 8 hours absolutely does not cut it.

I am struggling with staying upright. And when I am upright. I often then have a battle of mental wills. Against the hopelessness. Add in work stress. And other shit. And it's not good.

I am not having a good time.

Today was a very shit day.

The last few days I have been doing my samples to send off. Pee. Poop. Four days of buggering around. And then trying to get the courier to turn up. Which they fucked up. And we had to put back a day. And they fucked up again. And I demanded they come out, because, this shit was time sensitive. And I absolutely did not want to bin it all, and start another shitty 4 days of fucking around with can't eat this, can't eat that, shovel through your shit and stick into 7 different tubes ( literally ).

Also during that. Perhaps not sensibly. I decided that I really really finally needed to get the heating fixed.

So called a heating engineer.

Which only added to my stress.

Not sure what I was thinking to be honest. It was in one of my better moments. Ooh. Let's do this !

I know what it is. Very slowly. Inbetween gritted teeth. I have been tidying the house. It's up to a half presentable state. And therefore some of my anxiety about letting anyone in to do something like fix the heating has dissipated.

But getting that fixed turned out to be a palaver as well. Hassle. Faff.

At one point I told the guy I was going to have a lie down. I waved vaguely at myself - chronically ill. And let him get on with it.

Anywho. Back to today.

Work was a constant stream of must do. Why this. Do that. Stressy. Busy. And fucking around with the stupid courier picking my samples up. Also. I had a doc appointment today. A catchup with the asthma nurse. So I was juggling that too. All of which put me on super stressed edge.

And then finally.

Athena is not doing well. She has hurt herself. Hobbling around. Not good. When I got home from the docs, Hazel was flapping with her a bit. But in the evening. Athena struggled to come lie down in the computer room with me. Usually a bad sign. That she wants to be close. Somewhere she doesn't usually sleep too often. It means she wants security. Isn't feeling good.

I bugged off the computer. Sick with worry. I can't help it. I am definitely not one of those people that just shrugs off my dog being properly ill. And you know the difference. There's a difference between walking it off. And not being able to climb up a step without half collapsing. I've seen Ares hit a tree at full speed, take all the air out of him and force him to the ground for 2 minutes. And you don't worry. Because he's not worried. And a minute later he is up. And trotting. Like a dufus. But you know when it counts. When Ares was ill. And his tail goes down. And he tries. But he's tired. And sick. And you know the difference.

So Athena is not good.

I carried her down the stairs. Took her to water. Took her to pee. And then to bed.

I have, on balance, given her 1/4 of a paracetamol. Paracetamol is not great for dogs. They do actually prescribe it to them - I forget the brand name. It takes a toll on their liver. As it does on ours. Ares was getting half a paracetamol a day at the end. I gave Athena  1/4 today. I figured. On balance. It was probably for the best. Give her an anti inflammatory. See if it helped overnight. Always a risk. I've been here before. I know what the vets say in this circumstance. If in a tough spot. A little bit of paracetamol. Not great. But better than not.

I will see how she's doing tomorrow. If there is no change, I will take her to the vets. And see if there is some other pain relief we can do. It's a conversation that is overdue anyway, but her eye has got in the way.

But it is. Of course. That clock running out. So close now. You can hear the ticking of it.

Another thing to handle and slot into my shitty life.

I don't begrudge Athena the tiniest bit.

I am just aware of that slow approaching tsunami.

In other news.

I am managing to get a bit of gaming in here and there. Sometimes its a spot of enjoyment in the blur of shit. A laugh. So. That's something.

Part of me just longs to slump to the ground though. Push it all away. And sleep. Forever. Tired. Sad. Hurting.

Life blows.

Hazel is still here. She has stepped up to the plate a few days. Actually cooked once. Been keeping on top of Athenas eye meds. Helping me with my own samples. I think perhaps it has kicked in a little just how far down I am. Between the two of us we are keeping on top of things. And where I can. Any extra energy I get. I tidy a little more.

Still.

All I want to do is slump.

I cannot absolutely help thinking that when Athena goes. I am going to slump so very hard. I have no clue what life looks like at that point. If there is even life. It's not so much the grief of losing her, as great as that will be. But more, the accumulation of everything. It's not just one thing. It's so many things.

Ho hum.

Sometimes I think perhaps a total reset of everything would somewhat help. A new me. A new home. A new place. Everything new. I suspect it's just the urge to flee though. Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. For wherever you go, there you are. I'm the problem. Not the wall decor.

Who knows. I have no clue what I'm doing. It's that funny thing. Competent and knowledgeable about so much. And yet the big picture. Where it counts. No clue. There is no answer.