Feb 22

 Work is stressy and ongoing. A never ending problem both large and small. Not good.

Worse still.

The heating is still not fixed. Guy turned up for the third time today, replaced valves, couldn't fix the issue. Left with one rad buggered, where before, it was not. Gunk in the pipes.

I don't have the bandwidth to deal with it. Fine.

Because worse still.

Athena has deteriorated. Took her to the vets yesterday for a once over. Some pain meds. Hopeful return to herself in 5 days or so.

But it doesn't look that way.

Today she is worse again. All round. Not just one thing. Many things. She is suffering. She occasionally squeaks with pain. Mostly spaced out. I think she knows. Or is spacey. She has wandered a bit around the house in small bursts. Stared out the front door for a while feeling the breeze and slowly falling over. Checked out the back. The bathroom and her blue ball she hasn't played with in years. You could almost be forgiven for thinking she is checking things out for the last time. It's probably me just attaching meaning to it. On the other hand. She is seeking me out where she can. She is fragile.

As it stands. It can't go on.

Giving it some time to see if the winds change. The meds do their work.

But.

They should have kicked in well by now.

I think. She is finally failing on many levels at once. A sudden terminal drop.

So now. I wait. A day. Or two. And then. Make that awful decision. My baby girl. Hope for the best.

I am not doing good. Many things. Just like Athena. But I will see Athena through. I am in a hyper state of focus. In and out of fatigue slump. Maximum stress. Tears keep creeping out. I keep finding myself sitting there with shoulders hunched up to my ears, all my muscles clenched before I consciously ease them off. But. Do what I can for Athena. Hazel is helping. In this, she's a good nurse maid, and spends time with Athena.

We shall see.

But I'm pretty sure I know the outcome already. I know Athena.

I fear the clock has finally run out. The next 24 - 48 hours will be critical.

I have done all I can for her at this point. I need sleep. Hazel is watching over her. There is nothing to be done but wait. 

Miracles do happen. Never truly count out the capability of things to heal, even in the worst. But. Yeah.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feb 29

 Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful...
Read more

May 9

 Athenas back left leg is limp. Lifeless. Just. Gone. Her right one is only vaguely there, still trying to walk a bit at times. But. No strength. Folded. We have got her up a few times today, to drink, pee, poo. She has got accustomed to being carted around in a sling, her front legs still working. She still looks up. Wants to know what you're eating. She is, as she ever has been, still Athena. Still interested. Still awake. And tomorrow at 11am I take her to put her to sleep. Her legs are gone. Not just an overdid it. They are gone. I do not know or understand how they suddenly went from fine to not fine in 15 minutes. But it has happened. And they show no signs of reversing. Today I made the stupidly hard and fucked up and awful decision to put her to sleep tomorrow. I have crucified myself over it. Today ? Tomorrow ? Monday ? Next week ? Tomorrow. There is no hope. She will not recover. And I will have to snuff out her good life, her beautiful soul, full of curiousity and confid...
Read more

Nov 6

 Wake up at 8.20AM with the sound of next door replacing their bathroom. I cannot begin to describe how deathly awful I feel. Shit scraped from the bottom of the barrel. I check the laptop. Set it up for work. And then collapse back to sleep. I worked for some hours last night. I felt a little better, so, I worked. Midday. Awake again. I come out of a horrible horrible place. Everything aches. My eyes are sealed shut with gunk. A wincing pain somewhere around my stomach like a squeeze accompanies my waking. I often get this now. I feel utterly terrible. I have run out of options and coping strategies. So Trump wins with a fairly convincing win. What's the message ? America really hates women presidents ? If nothing else it's clear a large part of the US is fine with all that Trump represents. It was always going to be this way, if not now then soon. The rump of the US is morally bankrupt, happy to occupy a devoid of principles space, large on religious bigotry and hate. The US ...
Read more