Feb 28

 Athena is still not good. No change. She struggles to stay on her feet. She is due another librella shot on Monday, so, perhaps it being the end of the month, and injured, and everything else is making her super achey and wobbly. I don't know.

Just wait. More days. See if anything changes. Talk to vet on Monday.

Athena is a shadow of herself at the moment. 

I think I am slowly processing the loss of Athena. Even though she is still here.

Today I did not wake up with that inescapable anxiety. Just. Mild anxiety. So. That's something. I am at this point fully medically strait jacketed. Maximum mental meds putting a firm hand on the dampening. And perhaps because of that. Or because of burn out. Or whatever. I am starting to feel numb. An ache inside. But hollowed out.

I was slow to work today. I need to be forgiving of myself. I managed to be useful at work and figure a few things out - a small miracle - before mid afternoon my anxiety started jumping hardcore, being eaten alive by it with a fucked up punched stomach feeling. I jittered on. Checked on Athena. Gave her a hug and a cuddle. And then got ready to leave.

Respiratory doc this evening. He said predictable stuff. The next step was also predictable. A sleep study. Which. Amounts to effectively a fit bit to track heart rate and blood oxygen. And then see what the results are. The specialist thought I probably had moderate to severe sleep apnea. The grogginess after sleep and fog he said was almost certainly sleep apnea.

My only concern now is whether it manifests when I test for it. My anxiety is high, and I am sleeping very lightly. Restless with Athena. We shall see. Shit happens I guess. 

The guy knew his stuff for sure. But he said nothing I didn't know already. His approach is nothing I couldn't do myself. I know all of this. But I don't have the buttons in front of me like they do to make things happen. Frustrating. So I pay someone a heap of money just to tell me what I already know.

But perhaps even if this test shows nothing, it gives me an idea of what *their* monitoring expectations are and is something I can copy to the letter. Perhaps I can get myself the same blood oxy monitor, keep it on for many nights. And watch for a dip. At that point. Take *those* results to someone. And get someone to do something. If it is this at all.


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