Mar 10

 Athena's condition remains pretty much the same. Somedays she is a bit better. Somedays a bit worse. I talked with Hazel about it. The result is still the same. She is living her last two weeks. And it's as comfortable as we can make it for her. It is very hard though because she is fighting every step of the way. She has not collapsed and given up. She wants to get up. And see what's going on. And ask you for food. She hobbles around and tires herself out. But refuses to lie down. I think at times when her meds wane a little she cannot quite get comfortable enough to sleep. Eventually the painkillers kick in. And she sleeps.

Today I lied down with her in the dark and quiet front bedroom. Waiting for her to relax and sleep. She kept shifting in tiny ways. Constantly looking around. And I was thrown back to a forgotten memory. Of when she was the smallest pup. And she would not sleep on her own. She used to cry the house down for an hour. Too much. In the end I would go down and sleep with her for 20 minutes. She would settle with me there. But she was always cunning. Would open her eyes, are you still there. Yes I'm still here. She was difficult. But I would fall asleep with her in the kitchen. And at some point then get up and go to bed myself.

In the end she wasn't on her own for very long. She got her own way, properly toilet trained or not, once she wasn't a complete pee monster, she was allowed to come sleep with me.

That memory was jarring. So sad. So it was at the start, so it is at the end.

The tears have come back. My sadness has come back. My low point has come back.

We now have one week left.

I have been exhausted the last couple of days. Sleeping very long. Lucky to have 8 hours awake out of 24. Bone deep weariness. It crossed my mind yesterday that if nothing came of these latest tests, I was done. Too tired. Too exhausted to bother anymore. And of course. Athena is not going to be there. So. Yeah.

As stupid as it sounds, a few grounding elements. In short order I will be bouncing around my house on my own. For the first time in. 20 years. Without anyone around, no counter balance I will lean hard into the negative. For the last 14 years my mutts have been the better part of me - the light to my darkness, the joy to my misery, and they have made me a better person for it. Without them there is no counter balance. No need to be silly. Or be enthusiastic about a stick. the crushing weight of my serious adult brain will have no opposition. And I will spiral. My ill health and lack of energy means I have little capacity to get out and about. And with just a nudge into the negative, I will not have the desire to do so either. I have no kids. No one dependent on me anymore. Not enjoying myself. It's pretty bleak. A different person might be positive and be able to grasp possibilities and new things. But I am burned out in all sorts of ways.

But who knows. The future is murky.

Hazel had a bad day yesterday. We were I think in the staging area for a borderline personality meltdown. She had showed the signs of it the day before. "Tired". It's not tired. It's the rope beginning to fray. I picked up on her signals immediately. Anything I could do let me know. The following day - yesterday - was worse. Her mood darkened. And she started to look to pick fights. About nothing. Irritated. Dangerous. A little more and she has a major meltdown at these points, and out comes the monster that will do and say anything for maximum damage. I contemplated what would happen if she had a meltdown. Figured I would just need to soak it up and absorb any abuse she dealt out. For the sake of Athena.

Today, after a shaky start, Hazel has improved a tick. Backed away from the edge of a meltdown.

Better.

But part of the minefield of dealing with someone with borderline.

I was thinking about picking up work again this week, but, with my mood and anxiety bottoming out again. I don't think I will. I will perhaps see how I am on Tuesday.

Feeling very sorry for myself.

For the millionth time, I wonder what the point of it all is. When I was younger I knew. And as time has passed it has all turned to dust, and none of it matters anymore.

Lastly. A few snips from one of the test results. There's a lot to the full report. Interestingly some of the alarm bells that I've not included here indicate a high likelihood of brain fuckery - probably depression. Interesting that the various chemical mix highlighted it. Truly, the brain soup chemicals are not good. And it's giving me the miseries. Note that for the ones I've shown here, they all tend towards exhaustion and lack of energy. Uh huh.

For the full whammy, I've included the PDF, with some of the personal details wiped - Test Results