Mar 29

 The foot remains buggered.

Up til now I've just got on and dealt with it. But as of today. It's beginning to really erode my mental health ( as if I need another one of those weights ). I am sick of hobbling around and being able to do fuck all. Not as if I do a whole lot anyway, but as it turns out, when you are forced to sit on your ass, you realise how much you were doing.

It's just extreme "fed up-ness" with it at the moment. But it is twitching into one of those depressive things too. On steeling myself to get up, go pee, face the pain, do nothing, I reflected once again what the fuck I was doing. I am not enjoying life. It's just more fucking weight and headwinds, struggle on, to do what ? Do the same the next day ? To what end ? ? Seriously ? Fuck the foot. Just. Really. Fucking put a bullet in my head.

So. My fucky foot has now become A Problem. Just one of many Problems in the Problem Bag.

The docs, bless their hearts, have not got back to me. At all. In any way whatsoever. And given it's a bank holiday on Monday, I figure it's going to be well into next week before I can expect anything.

This week I went to the private docs. I had entirely forgotten I had a follow up appointment with the respiratory guy ( because, foot and Athena and everything ). This was not ideal. To say the least. Cancelling the appointment was a probable no go - I might well be on the hook for a payment, and I needed to hear the results. In hindsight I probably could have got him to call me. Derp. Anyway. I tested out whether I could drive on my foot. The short answer is, this is highly inadvisable. I knew it. But. Needs must. After a small test drive it turned out I could drive well enough with it. It helps that modern car pedals are very sensitive and don't need much of a touch, and, with a bit of finagling, I could mostly use a less sore bit of my foot.

It's not something you'd want to go far on. And best of all. Not at all. But. Meh.

So the respo doc showed me the results, said I had at the very least, mild sleep apnea. By US standards I come just under severe, in the upper echelons of mild. On any given day it could be I am worse - or better. The results showed that on average every 40 minutes or so my oxygen levels spike down, then my heart rate goes up. At the very least I was getting a horrible quality of sleep - no proper sleep. On average my blood oxy was below the no problem 95% - which signals an issue, and at times was dipping into the 80's. Not good.

The upshot of this is 2 results. 1. I can lose a lot of weight which the doc reckons in these cases often reduces the symptoms to the point that it's not a problem. 2. Get a CPAP. The doc was happy to do either, however, as he looked my shitty foot and crutches he recognised I wouldn't be doing much activity, and that losing any kind of weight might be difficult.

I proposed the eventual solution which was - to leave it for now. Give me some months to try and stabilise my life ( Athena resolution, foot gets better, yada blah ), and also gather more data from my own device I now have. If that indeed did show a problem ( or worse problem ), then a CPAP would be needed. If it showed less of a problem, then just try to lose a bit of weight.

The doc was happy with that, said I did not need to book another appointment, just let his secretary know when I was ready, and he would sort out a CPAP for me.

So, I am happy with the conclusion of that. I have an answer - I can work on getting more data for myself to get an even better answer, but overall I have a medical professional telling me what's up, and ready to give me a scrip for a CPAP.

This has probably saved me something in the order of 2 years of waiting on the NHS ( according to the doc ).

On the way out the doc expressed concern about my foot. Who's dealing with that he said. No one I replied. Waiting on the NHS. The look he gave me was priceless. He said nothing. His look said everything. Not much love there for the NHS it would seem.

Athena remains the same. Invalid. She bounces between upstairs and downstairs. Wanders around a bit, bored. She gets tired. Her legs go everywhere. But she seems to be doing better than she was, and is fairly stable. Still can't walk with her. Not sure will ever be able to again. If and when my foot gets better, might try taking her out for a short sniff around the woods.

She has cuddled up to me more than a few times of late. Curls up. Sleeps nestled up by you. I get the sense that she is beginning to be fed up with it all. At a deeper kind of level. She's not happy. Content. Getting old is hard.

Next week she has her monthly librella shot. Hopefully I can do the drive again for that.

Fucking life.

Kinda hating it.