Mar 4

 Didn't really sleep.

Went to the vets feeling very ill and sick. Vague nods towards passing out, but, I kept it under control.

We have a probable diagnosis.

Not a dodgy front right leg at all.

Neck.

Either, a slipped disc, or, a tumour on the nerve. Either way, lots of pain down the right leg - nerve pain.

The prognosis, as feared, is very bad.

On the small offchance side. It heals on its own over time. Lots of painkillers. Maximum painkillers. Everything you can throw at her. All other concerns are out of the window. Just. Maximum painkillers.

You do major surgery. Go in through the neck. Sort the disc out - if its a disc. But first you need to make sure its not a tumour. Athena would likely not survive this surgery. And even if she did. Her lifespan would be very short.

Tumour on the nerve. Terminal.

So. Small chance it heals on its own. Otherwise. Terminal. And terminal.

We are already there really. But. We are giving a little more time to see if it heals on its own with lots of painkillers. How long ? A maximum of 2 weeks the vet said. We are going back in two weeks. Unless she declines before then. If she has not improved. Then in two weeks she will be put to sleep.

Last night she was barking in her sleep. Woof woof woof. At peace. Chasing things in her dreams. I watched her for a bit. At such times it seems utterly bonkers that she can be so close to dying. That. Is the very horrible thing about dogs. In some ways, they can act normal on their very last day. They are the absolute masters of always finding the positive. Of not letting injuries hold them down. They will keep going even through pain. It makes it very hard. Surely. You say to yourself. If they can enjoy a dream. Enjoy their dinner. Then give them another day. Another day. I do not have a good answer to that.

I know however that Athena can no longer go out. No longer go sniff the trees, jump in the river, and do the things she most loved. She cannot chase balls or race around. Her life at this point has dwindled down to sleep, and dinner, with hobbling pain inbetween.

The vet noted her condition had declined a lot in two weeks. That she seemed to be in a lot of pain. It was he who said that euthanasia would have to be considered. In a way that meant, it's not considered. It is. He tried. Went through all the options. I think. To be honest. This last two weeks is just a stay of execution for two weeks. Rather than a then and there.

At least I now know what's going on with her. What the prognosis is. And what the right choice is. It's going to be hard.

I carried her around a lot today. She was relaxed and comfortable in my arms. She trusts me. As Ares before her trusted me.

The amount of meds she is now on are liable to make her very sleepy. She may just end up snoozing two weeks away. Lost in dreams.

End of life is cruel. Taking away a unique soul. Their experiences, personality, their light. No two the same. It is a monstrous waste, a terrible loss. Be it person or animal.

I reflected whilst sitting waiting in the vets. Feeling ill. Sick. Shit. It would be a blessing for me to go out with Athena. Shoot me up too doc. We can then fall asleep together. And never see another cruel day. No more suffering, physically or mentally. Our last moments would just be snuggled with each other. And that's all we'd finally know.

It seems. Less cruel to me. That way.

Not going to happen.

Vets don't euthanise people.