Apr 11

 The foot pain has eased. At last. It's far from right and I still can't put my weight on it, but, it's finally moving in the right direction as opposed to just getting worse and being extremely painful overnight.

I have largely stopped taking painkillers and - gasp - am not waking up due to a shortage of pain relief.

So all downhill ( or is that uphill ? somewhere other on the hill ? ) from here I think. Albeit the crutches are still a massive pain in the ass, and if I try to walk without them, the foot quickly lets me know that that's a really shit idea, and how about we zing some nerves for a while. Ok then. I guess that recovery is going to be slow. Next week I have the GP scheduled appointment with a physio. Who I guess will get to address the crap going on. I have been trying to gently move it around a little since it has been easing off as I know this kind of stuff you can seize up pretty bad and it can heal with less flexibility. Again, I guess this is a physio area.

Athena is ok. A little worse the last few days, but nothing super alarming. Just an up and down of some days better, some days worse dealio. She hasn't been able to get up on the sofa the last few days without a significant boost. The day prior to that she scooted up at least once on her own.

Work was a nightmare this week.

Work has become an extremely unenjoyable head in a blender thing, where I turn up, struggle to just right all the shit that has been put wrong, and a whole bunch of stuff gets landed on my desk, that to be honest, everyone else has just been a lazy ass with.

I am not getting to see anything through from start to finish, so, no satisfaction of doing a job. I am not getting to design cool things or work on new stuff. It's just all shit shovelling from everyone else fucking up their job.

My job has become entirely high stress homework marking, correcting, and fixing.

It's miserable.

I guess I am earning my pennies. But. It isn't worth it. It's a shitty mind fuck job at the moment. At the stage of life I am at, health et al, it's just not worth it.

Short term I will try and grit my teeth through it.

Long term. Sigh. I need to do something about it again. Only working 2 days a week has at this point failed to stem the flow of absolute shite. All that's happened now is the shite has been concentrated and people are still fucking relying on me to fix the shit they can't be arsed with or can't figure out.

It's laziness for some stuff. And lack of ability for other stuff.

Ho hum.

I will try and ease back a bit at work. Just do my hours. Don't try and fix it all. 

If I had a good deal of money, I'd quit right now. I could quit right now, but it would be financially hard. Compromises would need to be made.

So for the moment. I will endure. But. The whole thing is on very thin ice. Again. The perpetual state of affairs.

Our experiment of me stepping back and let others get to grips with stuff seems at this point to be failing. 8, 10 ? months in, and we are worse, not better. I still have lots of shit to do but now I have lots of fuckups to fix too. At this point I have to say I don't rate any of our devs. According to our employment consultantcy, this is normal at the moment. The market is short on resource and in their own words "a lot of very mediocre devs are being paid a lot of money to do work they can't handle". Uh huh.

Ho well.

Sister visits tomorrow. I am hoping my foot improves to the point I might get away without crutches. This evening. It isn't there. It's a long shot it improves that much overnight given the rate of healing that's going on. 

I can't wait until I can move about freely again. I have plans. Albeit today, in a healthy reminder that even with a good food I have Other Problems, I spent most of the day feeling sick. Ill. Shit. Marvellous.

There used to be a super fucking annoying and shitty thing one of my former friends used to say.

It's not what cards you get in life, it's how you play them.

Which. At a high level is wonderful. But also really fucking belies that the person stating that has never actually experienced situations so shit, or continually so shit, or trying to work their way out of massive underprivileged state that that nugget of wisdom becomes at best misplaced, and at worst a fucking entitled arrogant patronising insult.

Someone stuck at the bottom of a well drowning in literal shit is not going to be helped by shouting down to them to "look on the bright side" or "it's not the cards you have, but how you play them ! " - before you saunter off for lunch at the bridge club. Have you thought about thinking positively about dying at the bottom of a well ?

So sayeth the middle class entitled twat whos biggest worry in a day is whether the quinoa in the fridge is really what they want for dinner this evening.

Such bullshit tends to lose its shine when put in real world shit situations.

Tell the drowned refugee kids at the bottom of the mediterreanean that they would feel better if only they learned to deal with dying from drowning in a more positive way.

I do believe I said something like that at the time to him.

Dude was sometimes an utterly clueless twat living in a middle class bubble.

Same shit you see rich people espousing when they are talking about "the poors".

Fuck those people.