Apr 13

 Hazel's mood has shifted significantly for the better. The snarl has gone. The continual search for a fight has gone. She is back to being more balanced.

12 hours was what it took. A shift from one thing to another. A dramatic change. She literally goes from pillar to post. The moodswings are challenging.

In other news, Athena took a tumble down half the stairs. Nothing screamingly bad. But still. She bumped a lumpa thumped down the bottom half. Not good. Ares did that too on his last day. And ended up lying at the bottom of the stairs. A bit stunned. Worried. Poor baby. It was at that point. Crouched over him. Tears in my eyes, I realised, his time was up.

A very, very bad day.

And that day for Athena which I thought was a month ago, hovers again, ominously, awfully, right there.

It's hard. It cuts me deep. Athena cuddles up to me. Still soft. Still so pretty. And I stuggle not to be sad at the slowly dimming light in her. Still my baby girl.

Sigh.

And my gout has started to return. Same place. Not fully kicked in yet. Maybe I will be lucky and it will pass. The gout has been gone properly less than a week - the tendonitis is still there, my foot has been permanently swollen for a month at this point. And it looks like it's going to get worse again.

Perhaps this time the docs may take it a bit more seriously when I poke them.

Probably not though.

Last couple of days after my sisters visit have been hard. I've felt very ill at times. Sleep has shifted into that horrible groggy phase once more, pains have spiked up all over. I wonder if this is the CFS paying me back for being active on Thursday whilst my sister visited. Oh. You're going to pretend to be normal for four hours ? Sure. Have several days of wipe out then. You're welcome. I have felt today like I am once again, just hovering in a place close to just kicking the bucket. Too many issues. All layered on top of each other. The hope dwindles to hopelessness. A long deep sad and tired and ill feeling settles in.

I am struggling to see any kind of positivity. And the return of the gout. Just nails the lid shut.

Ho hum.

Can't catch a break.

Yay for fucking me.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feb 29

 Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful...
Read more

May 9

 Athenas back left leg is limp. Lifeless. Just. Gone. Her right one is only vaguely there, still trying to walk a bit at times. But. No strength. Folded. We have got her up a few times today, to drink, pee, poo. She has got accustomed to being carted around in a sling, her front legs still working. She still looks up. Wants to know what you're eating. She is, as she ever has been, still Athena. Still interested. Still awake. And tomorrow at 11am I take her to put her to sleep. Her legs are gone. Not just an overdid it. They are gone. I do not know or understand how they suddenly went from fine to not fine in 15 minutes. But it has happened. And they show no signs of reversing. Today I made the stupidly hard and fucked up and awful decision to put her to sleep tomorrow. I have crucified myself over it. Today ? Tomorrow ? Monday ? Next week ? Tomorrow. There is no hope. She will not recover. And I will have to snuff out her good life, her beautiful soul, full of curiousity and confid...
Read more

Nov 6

 Wake up at 8.20AM with the sound of next door replacing their bathroom. I cannot begin to describe how deathly awful I feel. Shit scraped from the bottom of the barrel. I check the laptop. Set it up for work. And then collapse back to sleep. I worked for some hours last night. I felt a little better, so, I worked. Midday. Awake again. I come out of a horrible horrible place. Everything aches. My eyes are sealed shut with gunk. A wincing pain somewhere around my stomach like a squeeze accompanies my waking. I often get this now. I feel utterly terrible. I have run out of options and coping strategies. So Trump wins with a fairly convincing win. What's the message ? America really hates women presidents ? If nothing else it's clear a large part of the US is fine with all that Trump represents. It was always going to be this way, if not now then soon. The rump of the US is morally bankrupt, happy to occupy a devoid of principles space, large on religious bigotry and hate. The US ...
Read more