Apr 18

 A successful couple of days of work. Andy was most pleased and that he couldn't thank me enough for getting shit sorted and done.

Uh huh.

But, coincidence or not, it has taken its toll. I am exhausted. Full of pain. And if I am sitting up, or doing shit, I feel sick, nauseous.

Without a doubt shit has got worse this week. A lot worse.

The gout refuses to shift. It's back again. My feet in general hurt like a mother fucker. Painful to stand on for any time at all. And the rest of me also squeals in pain. I get this from time to time in prolonged periods. Sometimes for many months if not years. Where every single muscle and joint hurts, a sharp, squealing pain if you move, an ache when you don't. And it particularly sets in around the upper torso. A ring of pain. It's one of the symptoms I had in the past pondered if it were MS. I don't know what it is. But it is breath stealing. And it's *always* worse after sleeping for a while.

Waking up after sleep has returned hardcore to a terrible experience. And it has now also crept into mid sleep - moving at all during the night is very painful, leaving me groaning in pain in the small hours.

Ho hum.

It's just more of the same old shit really. The same symptoms that slowly revolve and chase each other. Just. Ever slightly worse over time.

The undiscovered problem(s) that ail me.

Farting around the edges of this deficiency or that vitamin I think is failing to get anywhere. 

Ho hum.

It's hard at the moment to even being to piece a few moments together to do anything. I am dangerously close to being bed bound all day. I am at this point pretty much house bound, and of that, I can't move around much without succumbing to feeling more ill, or exhaustion or upping the pains.

Today I had my physio appointment. Getting ready for it a wave of illness and exhaustion hit me. I was literally struggling to keep my eyes open and felt sick to the stomach. Suck it up. Do it.

As it turned out I couldn't. The car battery had gone flat. Shitty fucking Kwik Fit and their shitty fucking battery - new in December. I knew I should have refused their bullshit "extra work". They have a reputation for it. And they plucked my relatively new high quality battery out, and replaced it with a bog standard shit one. Which has failed in a number of months.

So. I had to cancel the physio today. And instead called on adrenaline resources to grab the kickstarter, and get the car going again sometime later, followed by giving it a run for an hour. By the end of the hour the adrenaline was gone, and I felt sick.

Hazel has been borderline pleading with me to get the CPAP machine, as she thinks my sleep is currently very detrimental. I have fobbed it off with being too busy and having too much on my plate - a lot of which is ill health. There's the rub. The vicious circle. Too ill to look after yourself. And not looking after yourself makes you feel more ill.

It's stupid of me not to get the CPAP. At least try it. And if it doesn't dramatically improve my shit, I can cross another thing off the list.

Athena is ok. Ish. Stable. Ish. She has had a couple of minor nose bleeds over the last few days. Under normal circumstances this would be very worrying. She's never had a nose bleed before. Nor had Ares. Best case. "Best". Is that its her shitty eye occasionally bleeding back into her nose/ear/mouth cavity. She has in the last couple of months sometimes had a little bit of blood in her eye. Worst case is that it's a spreading tumour. In either case there is absolutely fuck all I or the vet can do about it. Whatever happens, unfortunately, is whatever happens. This is the weight of old age and ill health. There are no options. Just hope. A point that is reached that is beyond the capability of current medicine and knowledge.

She was somewhat bright today however at being allowed to "escape" from the house. Fiddling with the car, she took this as meaning we were going for a walk and "sped" off down the road and around the car, Hazel in close proximity fussing over her to come back. Hazel gets very worried when she starts walking around in the middle of the road ( where I am standing ). For me. I am unfazed. I see a little of her spirit in it. Wanting to explore and go places, and so for me, it's not anxiety, but a melancholy happiness that she is still kicking.

Athena is tired. And in discomfort. Bored. And frustrated at her own frailty. You can see it. But overall she's content enough to doze and eat all the treats. But. Weirdly. Me and her seem to be on an intertwined path. Both stuttering along in ill health and pain.

Ho hum.

Today, when I jump started the car for the second time, I made Hazel do it. I didn't force her. I didn't exactly make it a choice to easily squirm out of either - unless she was very against it. I do this at times with Hazel. I make her step out of her comfort zone and do a thing she has never done before that will be useful knowledge for her in future. How To Jump Start A Car. I don't do it for things I think will make her uncomfortable or are a chore. But I do kind of make sure she picks up skills. Using power tools. How to make bread. How to jump start a car. How to rebalance the washing machine. I think in the long run, it's good for her. Good for her sense of independence and sense of capability. Less helpless. I also do it, as I do a lot of shit now, with half an idea of, if I'm not around - you need to know how to do this, because, I wont always be there to do it for you. Regardless of whether I am in her life or not.

I want her to learn to drive and pass her driving test for the same reasons. More capability. Less helplessness. And. I think. Good for her self esteem and sense of independence.

I don't push her. If she doesn't want to do it. Don't do it.

But this shit is important I think. Adulting skills. I wish someone had done a lot of that for me to be honest.

Popped into the vets today whilst giving the car a run. Needed to pick up some Athena meds. As I stepped through the door I got an unusual greeting. I need to speak to you. Me ? It's like fate. I needed to talk to you, and here you are. Ok. She doubted herself a little. You are Mr Blah right, Athena ? Yeah. That's me.

We sorted a few things out. Reschedule of appointment. Picked up her meds. Worked out the rest of her meds for a couple of weeks time.

They were, as ever, lovely. All of them.

As full of sadness and worry that the vets can be, weirdly enough, for me, it's full of warm happy people that I like being around. Good people.