Apr 21

 Hazel has left under a cloud of rage.

I got up yesterday not super wanting to go downstairs and walk into a snarl. The coin flip of whether Hazel was approachable or in a quiet bubbling rage.

Not a big deal. But. I just didn't want to stick my head into that mangler. So I avoided her.

Got some breakfast and very slowly woke up from an awful sleep. Two black eyes, and my right one, bruised and hurting to the touch.

Ibuprofen over night seems to take a real edge off of any swelling in the right foot and also helps out the pains in the left foot ( which have got worse, can't tell if this is gout related or just general squealing in line with the rest of my body ). Walking about on my feet is painful.

Middle of the afternoon I figured it was time to get moving and get Hazel back home so she could spend some time there, sort stuff out, yada. We had agreed to do it mid afternoon the previous day.

I discovered her unmoved from the sofa. Stuck to a device. Are you ready to go ?

No she said, entirely unready, didn't know what we were doing etc. Ok. Well, we had agreed mid afternoon. But. That's ok. Get your stuff ready and we can go.

As is Hazel's way, she then started giving out orders.

She often does this. When she has to do stuff herself. Will typically wait until you are doing something then do something herself meanwhile giving you marching orders. It is, I think, another one of those anxiety foils. She doesn't like doing shit, so, she pushes out her discomfort onto those around her. By giving orders.

I dunno what it was. In the scale of things it was utterly inconsequential. But I had had enough of tip toeing around her particular moods, rage and marching orders.

I balked when she started giving me orders with Athena. Open the back door. Do this. Walk with her down the garden. Do that.

I had opened the door. Athena had gone out. Then come back.

This wasn't good enough for Hazel.

She has been like this in the past with her own dog. Obsessive about Poppy's peeing. To a crazy fault. It was only after I had looked after Poppy for a month without Hazel being around and everyone had got on just fine without the constant nagging and obsession over pee, that Hazel had relented in that regard.

In any case.

I had had enough.

I held my hand up. Stop Hazel.

Athena has been out, she's come back, she's fine. Get yourself ready.

Hazel started to fight. Of course. Her emotions went up.

Stop taking your anxieties out on everyone else. It is not cool I said.

At this point I realised we were probably into meltdown area.

Whilst Hazel is more than happy to give everyone else orders, she reacts to any pushback to herself with aggro.

I lost patience. Told her I was sick and tired of tiptoeing around her. That she took her anxiety out on everything around her. She started shifting around. It wasn't anxiety. Wasn't anything. She started shifting around. An excuse next. Was operating on low amounts of sleep. I didn't say anything. But. You're either blameless and clueless here, or you're operating on low amounts of sleep which is an excuse for being a pain in the ass. Which is it ? Whichever gets her off the hook.

She then, predictably, countered.

She had to deal with *my* outbursts.

An outrageous bullshit line. But this is her to a tee. If you know how she works, and what her demons will lead her up to ( you get to the same ballpark as her screaming at you that you have no emotions or you don't love your dogs, or, you're just like your dad, or in the recent effort against her step parents, that her stroke wasn't bad, that she made it up, and so on ).

This pushes my buttons. And I have to actively keep a lid on from reacting to her. This is what she wants. Escalation. Say increasingly heinous shit.

She is a nightmare.

I said I had tried very hard with her. Doing all I can. 

Oh I don't she says.

Nothing was said. But demonstrably, no, you fucking don't. Forgetting all else, number one, you take your bullshit out on everyone else. Which you will not stand for in anyone else. But for you. No problem.

She then flipped to Athena needing constant care, falling over so often.

Athena is at the end of her life for sure. And is a partial invalid. And not good.

However. Hazel also transfers her anxiety and everything else to her. Making molehills into mountains. Again it's that sketchy anxiety trauma demon romping around. Crazy.

At some point she then feigned ignorance about having to tiptoe around her. Does she really not see it, or is this another line in her bullshit. She has recently in the past out of her own mouth with no prompting acknowledged that "she is a nightmare to deal with", and that previously I must have been "glad to get rid of her", and just last week said I didn't need to tiptoe around her - hilariously spoken in a snarl of a bad mood and a whole period of stomping around like a fucking angry bear.

At best then, perhaps in the moment she doesn't think of this ? At worst, it's just another line in lying defence. Anything to stop her from having to accept responsibility, or better yet, turn it around on someone so it's someone elses fault, and she is the victim.

I purposefully squashed any anger I had for her. Nope I said. I am not going there. Take your time. Get your stuff together. And we can get you sorted at home.

I left her to it.

Of course in maximum sulk mode at this point, she had then decided to leave completely for good. 

Not entirely unexpected at this point. Predictably immature and maximum drama. 

I didn't react. Ok.

Took her home, helped her in with her stuff. Asked if she all ok, did she need anything else ? A maximum sulky no. That if she needed anything give me a call, and when she wanted to come back, give me a buzz. For the record I absolutely don't expect her to do that. She will now go off and sulk and rage for weeks if not months I suspect. But. I was nice. And calm. I had set a boundary - stop being an asshole. I had pushed back on her bullshit. I had even robustly told her why - sick and tired of having to tip toe around her. But I was not casting her off. Or not willing to help. Just. Stop being an asshole. Or at least try. The default behaviour of being an asshole and have everyone having to accept that is not good.

The problem is, mental health issues aside, there is some level of responsibility to do something with yourself. Do not lash out at others. Or try hard not to do that. And if you do. Apologise. Work on yourself. No one expects miracles. And in the worst case scenario, it might always be like that. But do not use that as excuse to behave like an asshole and just double down on it. No regrets. There is a line between mental health condition, and someone behaving thoughtlessly. Particularly when it's apparent it has become habit.

So. Hazel has left. 

On the way back to her flat she - once again - took out her rage and anxiety on someone else. Poor Poppy. She snarled at her the whole way. Do this. Don't do that. STOP IT. For the record, Poppy was fine. A couple of times she came up to me. Hello gorgeous I said.

Hazel either doesn't see that or chooses not to see that. I think in the case of dogs she is actually blind to the discomfort she hands out to them. For people. I think she knows fairly well what she does. But for the most part, refuses to acknowledge it ( until in a very small way a long time later - see the whole self offered I was a nightmare thing ).

On the whole I am sad that it has to come to that. That I have to end up making a choice of giving up help and care for Athena versus a constant drone of low level rage, moodswings and low level abuse. This has ever been the deal with Hazel. You get a little help. And in trade. You get a lot of mental instability which over time spins out of control ( in fact this is textbook borderline ). I wish she could do just a bit better.

But then that's the point isn't it. If she could. She probably wouldn't have that borderline diagnosis. Then again. I really do think rather than working at that issue, she just piles on it as an excuse to also behave in a bad way. You can resist. Or you can magnify.

Ho well.

I am sad and unhappy about it all. It's not the end of the world. But it's a shame. I have pondered more than once that maybe I should have for the umpteenth time just swallowed it, put up with it, and moved on.

That's the problem with boundaries and someone like me who is shit at either having them or enforcing them. Particularly boundaries that are used to be trampled over. When and if they get enforced. The person running smack into them is not happy. Like constantly thieving from the cookie jar, when the lid snaps shut, they throw a tantrum.

However. I think if I was doing it all again. Replay that situation. I'd probably just swallow it this time around. Don't rock the boat. Leave that boundary on the floor.

In the scale of things, Hazel's response was muted - for her. She did not go absolute balls to the wall nuclear. ( progress ? ).

There is also relief for me. The house is calmer. Less on knife edge. And even Athena has settled down more. But I am mixed about that. I think Athena is a bit more alert with more activity in the house.

Oh well. Life is imperfect. The pieces rarely fit nicely together. You have to make the best choices you can at the time, and deal with the lumps and bumps of that imperfect reality.